Hot off the wire

Periodically I will share some inside journalistic scoops I have uncovered in the twilight of my mediocre career. Resemblance to real persons or situations is merely coincidental.

Eagles coach wins Wing Bowl

Andy Reid added the Wing Bowl trophy to his considerable accomplishments this year. The head coach of the Eagles, known for his ample appetite, devoured an entire KFC franchise on Oregon Avenue in besting Georges Perrier, another celebrity guest contestant.

Perrier lost when he insisted his wings be served in a confit with a side order of fingerling potatoes. The delay allowed Reid to finish off the wings, two counter servers and the entire left side of the KFC structure before host Angelo Cataldi called a halt to the proceedings in fear that the Dunkin’ Donuts across the street might be in mortal danger. Reid apologized profusely for consuming the two counter servers, both males thought to be in their mid-20s. Police indicated they have no intention of charging the popular Eagles coach for what was obviously an accident.

Reid recently was involved in a similar accident when he ate two of Howard Eskin’s fingers at a dinner when the WIP talk-show host reached across to pick up the check. At the time, Eskin reportedly had chuckled and gotten Reid to promise to go on a weight-loss program in the near future.

Indicted for taste in banal music

A 42-year-old South Philadelphia woman has been indicted on charges that she shoplifted trite music.

Anna Maria Scamorze is charged with stealing the entire collection of recordings by the Carpenters over a seven-week period from the Tower Records on South Broad Street. The grand jury — composed of her peers, all residents of South Philadelphia — in citing Scamorze said they were baffled by her behavior. The jury foreperson, in an unusual statement, said, "If she had included a few by Jerry Vale or Al Martino, I could have understood what drove her to it."

In her defense, the sobbing Scamorze remarked, "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down."

Union praises Street for rudeness

The head of one of the city’s most powerful trade unions praised Mayor John Street for being " … a wonderfully rude fellow."

The unusual reply came in response to a question by Vernon Odom of Channel 6 Action News. Odom asked John Dougherty what unique quality the mayor possessed that made his union solidly support Street. Dougherty laughingly described their last chat together when Street had hurled an ashtray at his head in discussing a possible labor agreement on the troubled Convention Center.

"He missed," Dougherty said. "That’s what I appreciate most about him."

When pressed for details of the "agreement" allegedly hammered out in the dead of night, Dougherty replied, "The mayor basically caved in after I reminded him it wasn’t his people who run the city, but our people."

Man kills computer, self

South Philadelphia man in his early 60s went on a wild rampage Saturday morning, firing two shots into his computer screen and then turning the weapon on himself.

Reports stated that Mario Scallopine lost control after receiving a bunch of computer junk mail, which included the joke of the day (forwarded by 14 of his friends), pop-up ads for a free trip to Bora Bora, a pop-up reminder from McAfee Shield on how to protect his e-mail from viruses, and 22 messages from members of his wife’s sorority debating at which restaurant to hold their next meeting. Ironically, Scallopine had just written out a check to America Online for next month’s Internet service when he took his life.

Funeral arrangements have not been finalized because his wife is uncertain about where to hold the funeral luncheon.

Bevilacqua reverses stanceon Mummers’ skit

Archbishop of Philadelphia Anthony J. Bevilacqua says he’s changed his mind.

fter much reflection, Bevilacqua has decided that the proposed controversial skit by Slick Ducks in this year’s Mummers Parade — later said to be a hoax — helped purge his religious institution of any moral arrogance that still remained after failing to get rid of sexually abusive priests.

"We’re not above the law and certainly as ripe for satire as our other institutions in this country," said the archbishop. With a smile, he reminded his flock of the separation of church and state and freedom of speech. "I should have reserved my wrath for the string band that played themes from opera using banjos."

Tom Cardella can be heard before and after the NFC Championship Game on Sunday on 94-FM WYSP.