The Eagles already have had a bad couple of weeks and the season hasn’t even started yet. You gotta feel bad for a team that has your national security at heart and gets nothing but grief from hoagie-eating politicians trying to curry favor with the fans. That’s what you get when your governor is a sports talk-show host.
I’m glad they’ve reinstated the hoagies, but I personally am worried about what terrorists can do with pita bread. Then, after spending millions of dollars of other people’s money, Jeffrey Lurie forgets to put water fountains in the new stadium.
You talk about unfair criticism. Let me ask you something: When is the last time you put your lips on a water fountain at Vet Stadium? Why is this suddenly an issue? You think the Romans had a lot of water fountains in the Coliseum?
And these are the guys who put "Aqua" in that $3.50 bottle of Aquafina they’re selling at concession stands everywhere. How was Lurie to know anything about water fountains? When is the last time, you think, that Lurie drank from a public water fountain? I’ll give you a hint: It was the same day he rode the subway to the game.
Here is a first-class organization that has brought you a beautiful new stadium and a winning team, and at the same time is civilizing you fans by introducing you to sushi and chef salads, and all you do is gripe …
You ever notice that all sex talk is banal? You could be an Ivy League grad with a doctorate in physics and the best words you can muster during sex is, "Do it to me, baby!" Genital contact just doesn’t inspire great conversation.
If you throw out Ovid and the Rubiyat of Omar Khayam, all we do is spout clich�s during sex. Think about it: When is the last time you said something original during lovemaking? Where have our schools failed us?
If I were the Church, I would lay low during this gay-marriage debate. What is this call to arms by the Pope? If you were the Church and you were still trying to explain paying hush money to sex-abuse victims, would you be entering the public debate on this one? Let me see, what’s worse, covering up the abuse of kids or having Adam and Steve get married in the town square in Vermont?
And exactly what is your self-interest in this debate if you’re straight? Why am I supposed to care if two men take a vow to love one another ’til death do them part? Exactly what is it going to cost me? You think maybe there’ll be a shortage of rental tuxedos?
Now even the president is getting into the act. Never let it be said that the Republican Party missed an opportunity to prove its homophobia. You think with all the stuff the president has to think about — soldiers getting killed in Iraq, terrorist attacks, an economy that threatens to bring back the song Buddy, Can You Spare a Dime? — you think he’d have enough on his mind.
This is the party that’s for civil liberties, unless you’re of the same sex and you’re in your own bedroom or if you’re trying to get married. This is the same party that is for states’ rights, except when it comes to letting states decide whether to recognize gay marriage. This is the same party that preaches responsibility in marriage unless you’re of the same sex.
But when the old presidential popularity is dipping a little in the polls, it’s time to stand up and be counted. Next tough issue for Bush: a federal law mandating water fountains in all sports stadiums built with tax money …
Raise your hands: How many of you really believe they will be able to get 12 people to agree that Kobe Bryant is guilty of sexual assault? Now let’s suppose the evidence is the same but instead of Kobe Bryant, it was Roosevelt Robinson, a kid from Watts, who was the accused. Give me another show of hands on the chances of a guilty verdict. And is that why they call it the justice system?
We in South Philadelphia love our independence and freedom. No one is going to tell us how many cars to own or how big a car we should own and certainly not where to park. We are more like Montana than Montana. So what if even our main streets are clogged with two or three cars double parked? So what if I’m in business and I park all my trucks on the public street outside my house?
If you honk your horn because you’re double-parked in, I’ll take my sweet old time before I come out and move the car. And during the summer, I don’t need to get a permit before I close off a main traffic artery to hold my kid’s birthday party. I’m from South Philly.
Three cheers for freedom!
