1. Pat Burrell is scoring off the field as well as on.
2. Howard Eskin has placed his furs in storage.
3. The rats in Rittenhouse Square are wearing Easter bonnets.
4. The city has decided to clean the street in front of your house.
5. The prostitutes on South Broad Street have removed their galoshes.
6. You start putting back the 10 pounds you lost during Lent.
7. Pressure mounts on Mel Gibson to film the Resurrection.
8. In San Francisco, a young man’s fancy turns to other young men.
9. George W. Bush says he wants to be known as "the baseball president."
10. Vince Fumo has stopped eating at expensive restaurants and is now seen eating at expensive outdoor restaurants.
11. The Easter Bunny announces he’s ticked off at our trade unions and will no longer visit Philadelphia. Peter Cottontail claims the cost of constructing an Easter basket in this city is equivalent to building a shopping center in Des Moines.
12. The Flyers are on the golf course by the second round of the playoffs.
13. The feds are investigating the Street administration. The rumor is the confectioner who got the jelly bean contract for the mayor’s office contributed large sums of money to John Street’s campaign.
14. Teresa Heinz Kerry remarks that sleeping with the senator is not easy because he can’t decide on which side of the bed to sleep. Bill O’Reilly adds with a wink that John Kerry probably has trouble assuming a position, too.
15. An office fight breaks out over who makes a better ham pie.
16. The average cholesterol level in Philadelphia rises to 250.
17. At least 25 percent of the people who attend Mass on Palm Sunday are there for the free palm. At least half will exclaim that they skimped on the palm this year.
18. On draft day in the NFL, a million football fans will argue about players they’ve never seen play and who will be forgotten one day after training camp ends.
19. Some kid will be seen wearing shorts and eating a cup of water ice before the temperature hits 50.
20. Gov. Rendell moves his office to Bull’s Barbecue Pit at Citizens Bank Park.
21. A robin makes its first appearance, unfortunately while sitting on the body of a local crime figure. The Daily News runs the photo with an article that concludes mob hits increase when the weather gets nicer.
22. Residents begin their weekend ritual — rushing toward the shore to beat the traffic, but they won’t. They sit in traffic and breathe in exhaust fumes. Forty-eight hours later, they will try to beat the traffic home — they won’t and, well, you know the rest.
23. Laura Bush gets a role in the remake of The Stepford Wives.
24. Some radio station will play The Beatles’ Taxman on April 15.
25. On the first warm day, a beautiful girl will take off her shoes and dangle her pretty feet in the fountain at Love Park. And she’ll get a fungus.