The ‘L’ words

Here’s what I think happened: Kerry got tired of Bush calling him a liberal, so he needed an "L" word of his own to strike back. Hence his casual reference to the Cheney’s lesbian daughter. Instead of getting angry, Bush and Cheney should say (pardon my French) touch� and call it even.

In the interest of accuracy, Kerry is a liberal and Mary Cheney is a lesbian. In a sea of distortions during the debates, this kind of truth telling should not be overlooked. If there is any offense to be taken from describing the Democratic candidate as a liberal and the vice president’s daughter as a lesbian, it is in the eye of the beholder.

At one time, liberal politicians were not only respected, they were celebrated because they were the ones responsible for Social Security, Medicare, civil rights and a decent minimum wage. At one time we even elected liberals to the White House (admittedly this was before Anne Coulter used "liberal" as a synonym for "treason").

This was a time when being conservative was also to be reactionary, and no one was electing reactionaries (see Barry Goldwater, 1964). Today, after the emergence of talk shows and Fox News, being liberal is enough to disqualify you for office. In national polls, voters who identify themselves as liberals are as hard to find as a flu shot.

So it was only natural that the president, having the impossible task of defending the quagmire in Iraq and achieving the remarkable feat of squandering the budget surplus without creating jobs, has fallen back on his only argument for giving him another four years: John Kerry is a liberal.

(Note: In the scarred psyches of Republicans, being from Massachusetts is also a disqualifier. In fact, there is a Republican move afoot to amend the Constitution to allow the foreign-born Arnold Schwarzenegger to run for president while prohibiting those who reside in Massachusetts.)

Bush equates liberalism with being out of the mainstream (the mainstream being defined as the average voter in Hastings, Neb.). In his typically witty fashion, Mr. Bush remarked that Kerry is on "the Left Bank" (even the average Nebraskan knows that the Left Bank is in Paris, and that Paris is a synonym for the limp wrist).

This might have been a good time for Kerry to remind the average voter how much of what they take for granted in America is because of liberals, but that would have taken an act of courage that would have made the jungles of Vietnam look like Saturday night at the mall.

This brings us to the dispute over Kerry’s use of his own "L" word — lesbian. Note that when John Edwards made reference to the vice president’s lesbian daughter, Dick Cheney was sitting right next to him. Did Cheney punch out Edwards? Did he refer to himself as an angry dad at that time? Did he even do his famous Dick Cheney scowl?

No. The vice president smiled and thanked Edwards for the kind remarks about his — Cheney’s — family. During the last debate when Kerry again made the lesbian daughter reference, did the president get upset? Did the president even say what is this business of obsessing over the vice president’s lesbian daughter when I’ve got two very heterosexual daughters of my own?

No. The president didn’t even use his own famous scowl or scrunch up his shoulders like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. It was not a big issue until the next few days on the campaign trail when Lynne Cheney reacted, as did her husband.

Was it a "cheap and tawdry" campaign trick? Exactly how could Kerry and Edwards benefit? Anyone voting for Bush-Cheney is not going to change his or her vote because of being reminded about Mary Cheney’s sexual orientation. Anyone voting for Kerry isn’t going to care. Anyone who’s still undecided after a year of campaign ads and three debates isn’t going to cast a vote based on the sexual orientation of the vice president’s daughter.

If there’s anything "cheap and tawdry" about all of this upset, it’s the phony way the Cheneys are trying to energize their own base and make those voters forget that the debates allowed Kerry to cut into Bush’s lead. The Republican strategy in the last three presidential elections has been to run against the alleged character flaws of their opponents because the issues — particularly the bread-and-butter issues — don’t favor them. Kerry becomes not just someone whose stance on the issues you disagree with, but a "bad man."

Uncle Nunzi watched the last debate with me and remarked that he didn’t know the Cheneys’ daughter was an actress. I guess he thought Kerry called her a "thespian."

The problem is with those who see something shameful about it — and they’re sitting on the Right Bank, not the Left.