The latest TV reality show lets viewers pick the two leads in the next reincarnation of "Grease" on Broadway. I always thought casting Australian Olivia Newton-John as the female star in the movie was a bit of a stretch. In her teased hair and hoop earrings, she looked as out of place as I would at a bodybuilders’ convention. But this time I think TV is onto something. Allowing the public to choose the leads in a Broadway show is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Why stop there? Here’s what I mean:
1. Let the fans select the next Phillies left-fielder to replace Pat Burrell. We start out with 25 fuzzy-cheeked prospects in Clearwater. Fans get to watch them hit and field and each week we narrow the numbers until, right before Opening Day, we choose between two finalists. Criteria for Burrell’s replacement will be making contact with men on base and being able to run down a routine fly ball before it becomes an extra base hit.
Note: At first, I was going to suggest a reality show to pick the Eagles quarterback for next year, but I didn’t want to offend Wilma McNabb, because it wouldn’t be Donovan.
2. I’d like to see a reality show where we pick a new police commissioner. The series opens by sending 25 contestants into the mean streets of Philadelphia. To qualify, contestants would have to be able to count to 406 (the number of murder victims in 2006). Instead of the public voting each week to whittle down the number of participants, the street violence would do the job for us.
Note: This series might have to be shortened, otherwise we wouldn’t have anyone left for the finale. Out-of-town applicants will be allowed, so long as they spell their name T-I-M-O-N-E-Y.
3. CBS might be open to this next suggestion: choosing a replacement for Katie Couric. Since she has taken over, ratings have tumbled a lot faster than her hemline. Contestants called "Katie" would have to change their name to Kate out of respect for the dignity of the news. Only women should apply so no one can charge us with trying to replace a female news anchor with yet another middle-aged white male. Contestants would actually need to have real news experience (doing the weather doesn’t count).
Note: Blondes with puffy lips need not apply, although Fox News might have some interest.
4. I like the idea of a reality show where the public picks its kids’ next teachers. This would be interesting, since the fathers of male children would likely pick the blonde with puffy lips who didn’t make the cut for the CBS anchor job (see above). Mothers would be inclined to select frumpy old maids who are unlikely to seduce their sons. Both parents would prefer applicants who would give good grades over subject-matter knowledge.
5. A real winner of a show would be to select the astronauts for the next space flight. This one has real potential for big ratings. Applicants could be anybody from your next-door neighbor to unemployed film actors (assuming they couldn’t make the cut on "Dancing with the Stars"), opinionated clergy, Katie Couric and Donovan McNabb (now unemployed as a result of the other shows), Simon Cowell (his 15 minutes of fame must be up by now), former Congressman Mark Foley and some hot interns, Stephen Starr (who’s due to open a restaurant on the moon anyway), "American Idol" winners (a nice way to get rid of Clay Aiken for awhile), Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell, and Mayor John Street and Lynne Abraham (both parties need time to kiss and make up).
6. The ultimate reality show would be where the public selects who will be president in 50 years. In this show, we follow a group of 25 people from birth until they are old enough to become an American president. Through the years, the voters get to follow their favorites from diapers through puberty and ultimately their presidential run.
Hint: If you want to select the eventual winner, pick the dullest, non-controversial white straight male (must be married with family), without a vowel on the end of his name who has the bucks to run.
Now, all together, let’s sing, "You’re the one that I want — hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo …"
