It’s September,so what?

I have always been bummed Labor Day weekend is considered the end of summer around here. Everybody knows whatever the equinox is, it doesn’t occur until about Sept. 21 (it might be Sept. 20 in Indianapolis because they hate daylight saving time). Just because the kids go back to school (that is, if the teachers in their district aren’t on strike), it doesn’t mean summer has ended. What if you don’t have kids?

Another thing, who decided we have to put away our summer clothes? I spent a lot of money on linen shirts this year so please don’t get offended if you see me wearing one when Christmas rolls around. My wife has always explained to me you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day. If you do, do the fashion police swoop down and force you to wear plaid shirts with neckties?

I have always liked that wistful teenage song "See You in September" by The Happenings. Well September is here and your girl is not interested in seeing you anymore; she met a buff lifeguard in Wildwood and you’re history. Some people get so excited September is here they start tapping their feet in the men’s room. That brings us to poor Sen. Craig. Or should I say former Sen. Craig.

Craig is a conservative Republican. There is nothing worse for a conservative Republican than to be considered gay. Most gay people I know feel the same way about conservative Republicans. Craig says all the toe tapping and hand signals he was flashing to the guy in the next stall just meant he was out of toilet paper. You would think, rather than winking at the guy in the next stall, he would’ve just hollered, "Hey buddy, you got some extra toilet paper in there?"

I have to admit my main concern about Craig is his voting record. He voted against gay rights every time, although he probably would have voted for expanded rights in the men’s room if it had come up for a vote. That’s another thing, every survey shows that self-respecting gay males have more sex than straight guys, without resorting to restroom sex. It’s straight guys that need to hang around restrooms. I thought that’s why they came up with unisex ones. But I digress.

Everybody goes ga-ga over the start of another football season. I’m from Temple where the start of another season is hailed like the bubonic plague. People love their football in hi-def. I ran out and got an HDTV just to see what the excitement is about. Now I see the actual beads of perspiration on the ugly faces of 300-pound linemen and for this I put out a mere $1,000.

I know September means fall and fall means foliage. I like foliage, but it always winds up blocking my sewer inlet and then, when it rains (which it does a lot in September because it is also hurricane season), my basement proceeds to flood.

I suspect the reason some people love September is getting rid of their kids when they go back to school. I sympathize. When my kids were school age, I would have voted for any politician who would have extended the school year to 12 months. So, unless your kids are under house arrest, you get your sanity back in September.

But school brings its own problems. Your kid comes home the first day and announces his teacher wants you to buy him a sports car and a butt-kicking stereo system. You wonder what this has to do with education. Your kid says he didn’t question it. When he tells you renting porn on pay-per-view is just a class assignment, you get suspicious.

This year September is the time when we get to hear Gen. Petraeus tell us how swell things are going in Iraq. He will say the Democrats are wrong and this is no time to pull our troops and go home, and then he will announce he is starting to pull troops so they can go home. We are concerned about what happens to the poor Iraqis when we leave Iraq — and we should be. I just wish we were as concerned about the poor Iraqis when we went into Iraq. The Drudge Report had a new reason why we should stay in Iraq: We might wind up paying $9 a gallon for gas if we leave. Suddenly, the anti-war movement vanished overnight because even Volvos need gas.

Like I said, it’s September, so what?