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May 20, 2004:
25 things I learned on Fox News

1. We’re winning the war in Iraq.

2. Peter Jennings is part of a Canadian plot to take over America?

3. Our abuse of Iraqi prisoners was no more than a frat-house prank.

4. John Kerry’s wounds in Vietnam were trivial.

5. George W. Bush’s service in the Guard was heroic.

6. Bill O’Reilly can wrap himself in a flag and still have room for Sean Hannity.

7. "Fair and balanced" can actually be a funny slogan.

8. Rush Limbaugh needs our compassion to conquer his drug dependency.

9. The rest of the drug addicts should be thrown in jail.

10. Bill Bennett is a virtuous man who can afford to gamble.

11. The real sinners are the liberals who think he’s a hypocrite.

12. Catholic politicians who support the abortion policy should not receive communion.

13. Catholic politicians who support capital punishment are encouraged to receive communion and, if they watch Fox News, are already in a state of grace.

14. Bill Clinton will never be in a state of grace.

15. Neither will Hillary.

16. Hollywood is loaded with loony liberals who keep getting involved in politics.

17. Thank God Arnold Schwarzenegger got involved in politics.

18. When liberals are in power, balanced budgets are good and deficits are evil. When conservatives are in power, deficits fuel economic recovery.

19. It is better to hug an oil well than a tree.

20. It is your God-given right as an American to enjoy cheap gas, even if we have to take over the oil fields.

21. To conserve gas is to admit you are weak.

22. The morning-after pill is worse than teen pregnancies.

23. The problem in this country is there’s not enough freedom to own a gun.

24. National Public Radio is our version of Al Jazeera.

25. Did I mention that Fox is fair and balanced?

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