I hate Wall Street


(Written as a rant that should be delivered by comedian Lewis Black, the only man angry enough to deliver it.)

You want to know how bad the economy is going? People Magazine took a survey of America’s favorite financial institutions. No. 1 is an empty Folgers coffee can. I rather stuff my money in a Sealey Posturepedic than the stock market. Things are so bad, I saw a squirrel in Marconi Plaza selling off his nuts.

Can you believe Standard & Poor’s actually lowered the nation’s credit rating to AA+? My bookie has a higher rating. The only reason people are not jumping out of office windows is they’re sealed to keep in the central air. This is a freakin’ mess.

I’m sick of all of these high-finance experts giving us advice after the fact. If you’re so damn smart, you ought to be able to tell us the day before the stock market tanks. Now experts like Suze Orman and Jim Cramer have turned into pyscho-therapists: Here’s 10 ways to handle your stock market losses.

Well, handle this! Don’t tell me not to get upset. I have a right to get upset. I just went from buying a summer home to selling No. 2 pencils in City Hall’s courtyard.

One joker on CNBC told us every time we lose another $5,000 in our 401(k) pretend we just took a trip to Paris. I’ve been to stinkin’ “Paris” five times in the last month without leaving my living room. Next time I’m jumping off the Eiffel Tower and I’m dragging Ben Bernanke with me.

I saw Alan Greenspan on TV the other day (by the way, Andrea Mitchell ought to get some kind of humanitarian award for sleeping with this guy). Greenspan said Wall Street has lost confidence in us — the consumers. Well, I got some news for Greenspan — I’ve lost confidence in those greedy SOBs on Wall Street.

Wall Street screwed us over. The bankers with their phony mortgage deals and the shysters selling junk make Bernie Madoff look like Mother Theresa. And Bernie’s in jail while the rest of them are on their sailboats drinking mojitos. None of the crooks on Wall Street went to jail. They sent Plaxico Burress to Rikers for two-and-a-half years for shooting himself in the groin, and these Wall Street thieves gave themselves Christmas bonuses! What is this? The new slogan on Wall Street is: “Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma’am.”

The Republicans have a solution to solving the crisis — actually two solutions. The Republicans always have the back of the little guy, especially when they’re sticking a shiv in it. They say the solution to stop the fat cats from breaking government regulations is to do away with the regulations. Better yet, they say, do away with government.

There is a certain evil genius to this approach. If you do away with laws, pretty soon you eliminate law breaking. After awhile, the jails are empty and you save taxpayers’ money, so you can give it back to the rich guys by giving them a tax break for flying their corporate jets. The freakin’ Republicans have figured out a way to end crime as we know it!

You’ve got to love the bankers. Taxpayers bailed out the banks and they repaid us by raising the interest on loans and lowering the interest on CDs. The interest is so low on CDs that now it seems you have to pay the banks 2 percent for being kind enough to hold your money. Last time I checked, my interest had accumulated enough so I could buy a two Musketeers bar. Maybe if I save long enough, I’ll be able to include the third musketeer the next time around.

Our president, God love him, never gets excited. The government has turned to rubble and in Michelle’s garden, the organic veggies all died in the drought. The prez remains cool. He counsels patience. Maybe we should give in a little more to the Tea Party, he figures. Here’s a man who has already lost his shirt negotiating with these vipers and he thinks the solution is to reason with them.

I don’t trust Obama for five minutes in any room with Eric Cantor — or Eddie Cantor. Obama is a nice guy, but he’s a mark. He thinks he’s playing with frat brothers from Harvard. Next time he negotiates with the Republicans, he better hang on to his Brooks Brothers shorts.

The only people happy these days are the evangelicals because they are rooting for the apocalypse. Michele Bachman and her husband have a clinic where they turn gays into straights. So far it has confirmed three conversions. Lindsay Lohan went from straight to gay and back to straight (if you’re counting, that’s three conversions). If Lohan becomes bisexual, Bachman’s conversion total will jump to five (one for each sex).

Don’t despair, Rick Perry is joining the race. The answer to all of our problems is another Texas governor in the White House. Perry is sort of Bush’s evil twin. In fairness to Perry, he saw the crisis coming and tried to get Texas to secede from the Union. Maybe if he gets to be president, all 50 states will secede and we can join Germany where the economy is humming right along.

Where the hell are Bonnie and Clyde when you need them? SPR


Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.


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Jane Kiefer
Jane Kiefer, a seasoned journalist with a rich background in digital media strategies, leads South Philly Review as its Editor-in-Chief. Originally hailing from Seattle, Jane combines her outsider perspective with a profound respect for South Philly's vibrant community, bringing fresh insights and innovative storytelling to the newspaper.