Christmas shopping

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I have to admit it is only in recent years I found out exactly what was meant by “Black Friday.”

If you find that hard to believe, remember that for most males, the shopping gene is absent from our chromosomes. The shopping gene may have disappeared during the time of the Neanderthal Man when he found that he didn’t need gifts to ingratiate himself with the female species, just a big club (no pun intended). I formerly gave little thought to Black Friday. I thought it might refer to a dark day in the history of Italy when insects wiped out the tomato plants or maybe it was a day honoring African-American heroes like Black History Month.

No sooner did I finally figure out what Black Friday meant when some enterprising capitalist came up with “Cyber Monday.” The latter gives equal opportunity for discounts to those who favor using their computer to shop over lining up at 5 a.m. on the day after Thanksgiving for “doorbuster” savings (80 percent off a 72-inch TV). Some sales are cash and carry, which admittedly poses a challenge for folks buying the huge television set, but somehow they manage. As William Faulkner (or was it Kim Kardashian?) once said, it is in the nature of human beings to endure. It is my understanding that doorbuster refers to stores that leave their doors locked and challenge their customers to bust down the door (the burglar alarms are thankfully turned off in recognition of this uniquely American tradition).

You can imagine my surprise when I sat at my computer last Tuesday and received 102 messages announcing that Cyber Monday had been extended to Tuesday. It signaled two things to me: One, there is a dearth of creative imagination in not giving Tuesday a catchy name. Instead of extending Cyber Monday, how about Titillating Tuesday? Two, apparently Cyber Monday had not brought in enough sales thereby creating the need to extend the sale. It could well extend into Christmas Eve someday, especially in the economic doldrums in which we currently find ourselves. Maybe the president could proclaim “Stimulus Saturday and Sunday” during the holiday shopping season (something the Republicans will, no doubt, oppose as a matter of principle).

I am all for helping sales during the Christmas season. I even have a motto if that will help — Put Capitalism Back in Christmas. I realize religious Christians prefer Put Christ Back in Christmas, but in this country, religion is linked with financial success. Doesn’t the Bible say the rich shall inherit the earth?

I am aware many of you are outraged at the increased practice of stores opening their doors on Thanksgiving (is that a prequel to Black Friday?). Maybe we can change the name of Thanksgiving to Terrific Thursday because shopping and saving money is what giving thanks should be all about. I don’t have a problem with stores being open on Thanksgiving. It’s all about freedom of choice, the freedom to shop. As far as management forcing their employees to work, I say “tough turkey.” Employees need the extra money to enable them to pay their humongous credit card bills too. You think a sales clerk at Walmart doesn’t want a shot at that 72-inch TV, and wouldn’t it be nice if they could buy their own food instead of needing food donations?

If you are worried about Thanksgiving sales spoiling a family’s traditional turkey day, consider this: A good many Americans would benefit by skipping the pumpkin pie. “Skip dessert and shop” could be a slogan that Michelle Obama would approve. Think of Thanksgiving Day sales as saving American lives. Many shoppers camp out overnight in order to be the first ones in line to burst through the doors. There is a practical reason for camping out — the caveat to these great deals is “as long as supplies last.” If you have three 72-inch TVs in stock and 3,000 people rushing through the doors trying to get at them, it pays to be first in line. Camping out in anticipation of sales makes some feel young again. It’s like going back to the days when you camped out to buy tickets for a Grateful Dead concert only instead of getting high in anticipation of seeing Jerry Garcia, your arthritis is killing you and you’re eating a pint of Cherry Garcia.

By proclamation, George Washington established Thanksgiving as the fourth Thursday in November. Franklin Roosevelt moved it up to the third Thursday, ostensibly to expand the shopping season and help business. It wasn’t long afterward that Thanksgiving was moved back to the fourth Thursday, probably by folks who hated FDR. If Obama came out in favor of Thanksgiving, Republicans would want to cancel it altogether while Fox News would discover socialists prefer turkey.

Despite all the hype about the advantages of shopping early, there will still be last minute shoppers (make that men) in stores on Christmas Eve. You can recognize them; they’re the ones selling their souls for gift wrap.

Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.

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