The Best of My Mailbag for 2013

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(The following letters to me and my replies have been edited or totally rewritten to make the columnist look better. For that, I have no apologies because my ego needs constant reinforcement and, unfortunately, I rarely get that from my readers).

“No Easy Solutions” (Jan. 3)

Reader: (three weeks after the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School) “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

Reply: Really?

“Cliff notes” (Jan. 10)

Reader: “I still say it will be better to have the draconian cuts … Bring on the mild recession and fiscal sanity.”

Reply: You’re obviously not Nostradamus.

“Off the top of my head” (Jan. 17)

Reader: “Brady, Flacco, Kaepernick, Ryan, Cardella, Stein-Novack.”

Reply: I really think that I belong somewhere between Flacco and Kaepernick.

“My bucket list” (Jan. 31)

Reader: “Old man complaining. Believe me, old man, 1950 wasn’t all that great either.”

Reply: You only say that because you never saw me in my high-rise slacks.

“Thoughts while falling” (Feb. 21)

Reader: “… Isn’t the definition of faith … not knowing?”

Reply: Uh, I think that’s the definition of “ill-informed.”

“Being dense in Philly Mag” (March 21)

Reader: Hey Tom, check out the police report in your own newspapers every week. There seems to be a common theme … being white in Philadelphia, brother.”

Reply: That should be “bro,” not “brother.”

“Is Nutter the bad guy?” (April 4)

(a column defending the mayor)

Reader: “This is a joke, right?”

Reply: In retrospect, yes.

“Good News” (June 13)

Reader: “You supercilious (sic) folks, stop laughing now. It’s politically incorrect to laugh at a person from another orbit (sic).”

Reply: You’re sic (sic).

“A Delicate Balance” (June 20)

Reader (To another letter writer): “Don’t you have anything better to do with your time? Go find a girl. … Give your computer away to someone less fortunate.”

Reply: I have never found using a computer and admiring girls mutually exclusive, especially if you find the right Internet site.

“Cocoon” (Oct. 3)

Reader: “Wonderful, insightful and mostly valid article.”

Reply: Thank you, Aunt Mary, but what do you mean by “mostly” valid?”

“Decency” (Oct. 10)

Reader: “Hey, bleeding heart liberal. How much money are you willing to give up of your own to the government giveaways for the downtrodden? Phony!”

Reply: Wait, let me check with my accountant … He just told me that I fit under the category ”Downtrodden.”

“Michelina” (Oct. 24)

Reader: OBAMACARE WILL NOT WORK. UNFAIR ON SO MANY LEVELS. we are going back to 236 years ago; tar and feather time, tom, you’re up.

Reply: Has anyone ever taught you how to use the caps key?

“Autumn peeves” (Oct. 31)

Reader: “I miss Larry Mendte. Local news sucks.”

Reply: Thank you, Dawn Stensland.

“Turkeys” (Nov. 18)

Reader: “I still want to know why I can’t marry my two sisters?”

Reply: I want you to know I tried talking to both of them, but they’re in love with your brother.

“South Philly wedding traditions” (Dec. 5)

Reader: “I’m not sure we need wedding advice from a gay man?”

Reply: Not true, we’re all interested in hearing YOUR wedding advice. I’m just a good looking older metrosexual. 

Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.

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