110833821
The President leaned back in his chair. Barack Obama appeared to be doodling when Press Secretary Jay Carney came in for his 7:30 appointment. Carney noticed the President had written over and over on the paper in front of him, “They love me … they love me not.” The President looked up at Carney and said, “How bad is it?” This morning’s briefing concerned his sagging approval rating, and Carney tried to search for the right words to tell him just how bad it was.
CARNEY: “It’s gone down a bit from the last time, Mr. President.”
OBAMA: “How far is down?”
CARNEY: “Well, here’s the list, Mr. President. The poll that rates the top-10 things people dread the most, and here it is:
1) A phone call from your ex-spouse telling you he or she can’t take the kids Saturday because the kids complain about it too much and besides, they’re spending the weekend in the mountains with someone who is a much better lover than you ever were.
2) The Michael Bolton commercial where he is standing on top of the car.
3) Fried eggs when the yolk is dried out.
4) Lisa Scottoline writing another column about her mother, daughter, dog and every trivial moment in her life as if it is the mission to get Osama bin Laden.
5) Traveling to work and getting stuck behind a trash truck that refuses to pull over to the side and let traffic pass.
6) Another photo of Miley Cyrus sticking out her tongue.
7)Your in-laws dropping in unannounced.
8) People who dream of a white Christmas after you’ve already had three snowstorms in December.
9) A colonoscopy.
10) The President’s second term.
OBAMA: “Does this mean what I think it means?”
CARNEY: “Yes, Mr. President, you’re less popular than a colonoscopy.”
OBAMA: “Even the last guy (George W. Bush) wasn’t that unpopular, was he?”
CARNEY: “Well, no, Mr. President. The last poll done before Bush left office placed him somewhere between a root canal and an ‘anal fissure.’”
OBAMA: “And, Jay, as I understand it, this poll was not conducted by Fox News.”
CARNEY: “No, sir, MSNBC.”
OBAMA: “Is it true I’ve even lost support in the Latino and African-American communities?”
CARNEY: Sir, I know this is disturbing, but 48 percent of Latinos are spreading a rumor you disrespected Sofia Vergara because you don’t watch ‘Modern Family.’ Incidentally, members of your gay constituency are also upset about that.
OBAMA: “And the African-American community?”
CARNEY: “These days, over half of them now emphasize you’re half-white.”
OBAMA: “Which areas do voters disapprove of most?”
CARNEY: “All of them, even the Christmas tree lighting ceremony.”
OBAMA: “I don’t understand it. The last guy lies and starts a war. I fudge a bit about some folks being able to keep their bad medical plans, and there’s an uproar.”
CARNEY: “There’s the matter of the website, Mr. President.”
OBAMA: “Well, we got over a million people who’ve been able to subscribe. It’s not like I ran Target and got everybody’s credit card information compromised.”
CARNEY: “Sir, I feel it appropriate to warn you from using that example. You know how you’re perceived as anti-capitalism.”
OBAMA: “Yeah, I know, Wall Street hates me while the S&P 500 is at its highest since 1997. Besides, you’re going to get me on that ‘Shark Tank’ panel, right?”
CARNEY: “Yes, right next to Mark Cuban. He’s the anti-Donald Trump. He actually likes you.”
OBAMA: “I kept us out of war in Syria despite the Bobbsey Twins (John McCain and Lindsey Graham), who never saw a war they didn’t wish for. We got bin Laden and that didn’t satisfy them. We got a deal with Iran that has a chance to get them to back off getting a nuclear bomb. And all I get for it is crazy calls from [Benjamin] Netanyahu in the middle of the night.”
CARNEY: “I understand, sir, he has a reputation for getting intemperate.”
OBAMA: “I ended don’t ask, don’t tell. That was [Bill] Clinton’s idea, you know. I got [Elena] Kagan and [Sonia M.] Sotomayor on the Court, and it’s driving [Antonin] Scalia nuts. You know, he drinks wine with his pinky extended?”
CARNEY: “I didn’t know that.”
OBAMA: “So tell me how it is, Jay, that voters rather get a colonoscopy than say something nice about me. Some of them want to get me impeached even though I never tried sneaking some intern into the Oval Office — and it’s not just because Michelle watches me like a hawk.”
CARNEY: “Nowadays, voters want every president impeached in his second term. You know that, Mr. President.”
OBAMA: “I think I’ve found the source of the problem, Jay? You. You’re fired.”
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
110833821
110833831
