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Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. But what do we really know about St. Valentine himself? After researching Catholic Online and The Christian Broadcasting Network, I discovered that though there were at least three St. Valentines, the one whose feast day is Feb. 14th was a priest who lived in the third century during the reign of Claudius.
Claudius believed unmarried soldiers would fight better than those who were married. Using the creative genius that is the sole province of emperors, he prohibited young men from marrying. He could have chosen the alternative of stopping senseless wars, but then what good would it have been to be the emperor?
The good priest Valentine didn’t think much of this edict. He knew if Claudius had been the U.S. President, he would never have gotten 60 votes in the Senate to pass a ban on marriage among young people unless they were of the same sex. So Valentine rebelled (please stay with me here because I will eventually get to the part where Cupid gets into the act and Whitman’s begins putting chocolates in heart shaped boxes).
Valentine bravely went around encouraging young people to defy Claudius and marry anyway. There is no documentation that Valentine got 10 percent from the catering halls in Rome for his efforts, but cynics may believe what they wish. Valentine’s courage, if not his motives, was unquestioned. Emperors tend to weigh heavily in favor of capital punishment when they are disobeyed. A record number of Romans were executed for jaywalking in that fateful year of 269 A.D. (some radical historians claim the year should have been designated “B.D.” for “Before Dennis Rodman”).
I wish I could report that Valentine escaped death by execution, but look at it this way, if he hadn’t been put to death he likely would not have become a saint and instead would have gone down in history as a well-meaning yenta. As you can imagine, Claudius was upset at Valentine’s act of defiance, but he was a compassionate ruler. He did not have the mean streak of Caligula or the expertise in playing the violin of Nero. In truth, Claudius wanted to avoid having to execute Valentine, turning him into a martyr and adding another feast day to an already crowded calendar. The emperor offered Valentine his own morning shift as a sports talk host, as well as a mistress, a popular stripper who appeared annually at Wing Bowl, then held in the Roman Colosseum. Valentine weighed the offer. Do I want to become a sports talk host with a mistress who dripped hot sauce from her chin or a saint? The answer was obvious to Valentine so he chose sainthood.
Emperor Claudius was outraged, so outraged he ordered the execution of the brave Valentine in three stages — beating, starving and beheading. Claudius actually was so angry he wanted a fourth phase added, but his adviser — Idioticus —informed the emperor that after the beheading, what was the point? It is widely believed this three stage execution became the origin of the word “overkill.”
Predictably, Valentine became a saint while Claudius became the subject of a PBS Masterpiece Classic presentation (small compensation for Claudius because the ratings were later dwarfed by “Downton Abbey” while St. Valentine is honored all over the world, especially in South Philadelphia, where windows are festooned with red hearts).
As with all saints, Valentine has certain areas of life over which he is attributed influence, most of which involve marriage and love. You may pray to St. Valentine for intercession in these areas. Prayers to St. Valentine should always begin with “roses are red, violets are blue.” The sharp eye of your columnist did find several categories that are the province of St. Valentine of which you, my dear readers, may not be aware — beekeeping and fainting. I don’t believe the readership of this newspaper includes many beekeepers (please don’t criticize me for going beyond the proper boundaries of South Philadelphia, there is a remote chance of a beekeeper or two that might read this online. And I am relatively certain more than a few of my readers faint on occasion). You can look to St. Valentine for help in these lesser known areas. Valentine implores you to keep him busy lest he befall the fate of St. Christopher and be left off the Church calendar. You martyr yourself and then what, you’re forgotten?
It’s here your columnist becomes stymied. How did the Feast Day of St. Valentine become associated with a diaper-wearing Cupid (I am not even going to guess why Cupid would use a bow and arrow when handguns are so available around here). My first thought was, could Valentine have worn Depends at the time he was beheaded? My conclusion is that upon facing execution, it is very possible one would need Depends (and that would also explain Cupid’s diaper), but I can find no such evidence. That will have to remain one of a mystery.
As for the candy hearts, St. Valentine did have a notorious sweet tooth. I would think the linking of hearts and romance is self-explanatory.
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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