Understanding zombies


Why is no one speaking up for one of the most aggrieved minorities in the U.S., zombies? Northwestern University athletes want to unionize to get better working conditions, but who has it worse than zombies? Zombies suffer from stereotyping. If George Romero isn’t making a movie or AMC didn’t keep renewing “The Walking Dead,” their unemployment rate would soar. Republicans would blame it on President Obama’s weakness in confronting the zombie threat.

It’s a little known fact that films and TV series featuring zombies use real zombies rather than actors to save money. Zombies don’t belong to the Screen Actors Guild (something the entity is desperately trying to rectify). Minimum wage laws don’t cover zombies, resulting in a recent attempt by Walmart to recruit them (except for positions where they greet customers).

Actually, Republicans like zombies when it comes to health coverage because they don’t need any. Once you’re among the undead, even the Affordable Care Act doesn’t give a rat’s behind about you. Essentially the life (if that is the correct term) of a zombie is a simple one. You stumble around town looking for meat (whether it has been inspected by the Food and Drug Administration doesn’t seem to matter) until a human blows your brains out. Once you have no brains left, you either die or request a lifetime subscription to Glen Beck’s TheBlaze.

Zombies are the one minority in which Democrats seem to lack compassion. I hate to be cynical, but it may have something to do with zombies’ frequent failure to turn out to vote (except in Chicago). Democratic National Committee head Debbie Wasserman Schultz has suggested her party give away pork chops at polls to entice a greater zombie turnout. However, vegans, being almost as influential in the Democratic Party as the Koch Brothers are in the Republican Party, nixed the idea. And, unfortunately, for Democrats, zombies just don’t seem interested in the quinoa salad vegans suggested as a substitute.

There is some doubt cast about whether there are actually gay zombies. If it means increasing the turnout on Election Day, Democrats are interested in amending same sex marriage laws to include zombies. As far as we can tell (not being able to get too close), it appears zombies are asexual, which Republicans believe shows being gay is strictly a lifestyle choice. In case it turns out zombies tend to be Democrats, Republicans are insisting they show voter ID. Zombies don’t qualify for a driver’s license, and although some apparently have birth certificates, Democrats are certain this is another devious attempt by Republicans to suppress the minority vote.

Because zombies don’t drive, many of them ride public transit. One can recognize them as those who refuse to move to the back of the bus, sit in the area reserved for seniors, pregnant women, and the disabled, or sprawl across two seats. Zombie bus riders also tend to listen to music without headphones, favoring groups such as The Grateful Dead and, you guessed it, the Zombies (although younger zombies favor the Dead Kennedys). You might think one thing in the favor of zombie riders is they aren’t littering the aisles with empty soda bottles or half eaten bags of potato chips, but they do leave bones, which tend to offset any cleanliness advantage.

School teachers have found a good percentage of their students in their teen years are zombies. One educator told me you can always tell who’s a zombie because when you call on one of them and ask for their homework, they either stare at you aimlessly or say they don’t have the assignment because some human ate it.

The National Rifle Association is torn between fighting for the rights of zombies to bear arms (they’d rather eat them) or argue that non-zombies need guns to defend themselves against zombie attacks. I have always wondered why if a zombie is already dead, a simple gunshot to the head bothers them at all. Democrats argue the idea of arming zombies is as silly as allowing folks to carry guns into churches ( the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre replied, “so what’s so silly about that?”). Vice President Joe Biden indicated there is no need for a gun to defend yourself against zombies when you can outrun them. Biden laughed when he said it, so half of his audience thought he was joking and the other half claimed he never jokes, it just comes out that way. Uncle Nunzi believes you can distract a zombie in pursuit by carrying a couple of meatballs in your pockets and being ready to throw them.

A recent poll showed Fox News viewers tend to believe more in the existence of zombies than in climate change, which they say is just a theory. Sean Hannity says he is sure zombies are dead liberals because he’s noticed they always lurch to the left. At least 4,000 friends and family of mine checked off “Like” on Hannity’s comment on my wife’s Facebook page.

Zombies have found a friend in the Association of Shoe Repair Shops of America. Their motto– “Zombies may be dead, but with all that walking, they still need soles.” ■

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