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Best of Cardella: The male obsession


Contrary to popular belief, a man’s best friend is not a dog. It is not his wife, his car or even football. For most men, their best friend is actually their own body part that lies south of the border (and you thought Sinatra was paying tribute to Mexico when he sang that song). This essential truth is the only way females can hope to understand the recent trials and tribulations of U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner and of men like him, which is to say, most of us.

Weiner’s name was actually “Smith.” but because of his infatuation with a certain part of himself, he legally changed his name to Weiner. It also is true that Weiner will not be the last man caught lying about his penis. In fact, so many men lie about sex it is expressly written into the U.S. Constitution (by men) that this is one of our inalienable rights. It is called the Clinton Amendment. If you don’t believe me, see how Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas votes when you bring it before the Supreme Court.

Men always lie about their sexual prowess. George Washington lied to Martha about the size of his cannon. Even Wilt Chamberlain exaggerated when he claimed to have slept with 20,000 women in his lifetime. If his claim were true, statisticians figured out Wilt would have had little time for anything else. The NBA games in which he participated would have included sex during the timeouts — even the 20 second timeouts. As badly as Weiner has behaved, he knows he is not alone.

There is seemingly a vast army of men out there sending obscene photos of themselves on Twitter. The male obsession with his penis is one of the few stabilizing factors preventing our economy from free fall. Imagine how sales of cell phones with little cameras would decline if men stopped taking pictures of their own genitals. Twitter would fritter away without aging males pursuing young women with shots of their willies.

In a man’s mind, all it takes to seduce a woman is to flash his proudest possession. We have this innate ability to read the female psyche. We know one peek and we can save on the flowers and dinner. Just ask Brett Favre. It is an axiom of male belief that women swoon at the sight of our pride and joy. Of course, women snicker at such thoughts.

Only two men — Larry David and Richard Lewis — have discovered the real truth (refer to a famous scene in “Curb Your Enthusiasm”). Unless we are paying for sex, women have to love us and tolerate our private parts. Their main reaction is to stifle a chuckle because they know how sensitive we are about these things. Some women have told me in order to simulate excitement at seeing the male body part, they fantasize about handbags and shoes.

Famous men are even more famous for exposing themselves. The thought is the more famous we are, the more interested you are in seeing our magnificent object. Incidentally, if you should see a hunched over man, odds are his poor posture is due to hours of staring at his own johnson.

Once in a relationship with a man, you find out men like to give their penis a nickname. You may think this is a bit odd until you learn this practice goes back to the days of Ben Franklin who called his “lightning rod.” This is why men have explained away sexual indiscretions by pleading their big boy has a life of its own. Some men have even taken to buying name books, designed for expecting parents, to assist them in choosing a name. The most original name selected last year was Mercutio. Later, it was revealed the selectee was an aspiring Shakespearean actor.

Men view their penis as a separate entity with its own personality. If a man were a ventriloquist, he would probably make his thingy talk. Edgar Bergen threw his voice below his waist and it is how he came up with Charlie McCarthy. It is also how the nickname “woody” came about. The next sequel of “Sex and the City” will be about a penis that talks.

The tradition (if indeed that is what it is) of this male obsession usually begins in school locker rooms. Nude boys quickly learn not everyone is created equal. If females find men unduly cynical, this is because early on we find out one of our most cherished principles is pure baloney. Males separate themselves into two lifelong categories — the haves and the have-nots. This principle was founded on the inequality of the male sex organ is the basis of the difference between our two political parties. Republicans believe being well-endowed means you are superior and entitled to low taxes and premium health care. Democrats insist we must help the have-nots by paying for drugs that help sexual disfunction.

You might ask if men love their own peter so much, why aren’t all men gay? The crucial difference between gay and straight men is that straight men are only interested in their own.

I admit I have posted an image of myself wearing briefs on a social networking site. Apparently my photo was less impressive than Weiner’s because the only responses I received were from Pfizer and a local nursing home. 

Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.


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