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City Council President Darrell Clarke and Mayor Michael Nutter are much like a dysfunctional couple whose marriage is headed for the rocks. Whatever one proposes, the other opposes. Reminds me of Jon and Kate Gosselin. If Jon had wanted to get gas heat, Kate would’ve opted for oil. In our Philly version, Nutter wants to sell PGW, and Clarke keeps delaying the decision. If Darrell wants to sell a school building, Mayor Mike has other ideas.

Folks, this is a TV reality show in the making — kind of a companion piece to “Parking Wars.” Be nice if there were public hearings on the sale — you know, like that tune from “HAIR” — “Let The Sunshine In.” …

Iraq is falling apart. Let the debate begin: Who lost Iraq? I’ve got a shocker for you — the Republicans think President Barack Obama is to blame. There are visionaries in the Republican Party (the definition of a Republican with vision is one who can see as far as the 2016 presidential campaign and blame Hillary Clinton instead of the lame duck Obama). So they emphasize blaming Hillary.

If only we had kept a military presence in Iraq, they say, things would be different. Yeah and maybe we could have forced the Iraqis to elect Ronald Reagan instead of Nouri Maliki, and if only they had eaten more Texas barbeque instead of lentils, things might be different too. Why is it we never stopped listening to these same experts who assured us there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, who assured us that the invasion would be a cakewalk and finally that the Bush surge had turned things around? Geez, a guy can be wrong once in awhile, can’t he?

You’ll also excuse me if I don’t get starry-eyed over Obama’s idea of Iran helping us out in this situation. Iran??? Help me out here because I tend to confuse Iraq and Iran all the time. Tell me again — which one is our enemy and which one is our ally? Next thing you know, Obama will be inviting the Supreme Leader for a beer in the Rose Garden.

If you believe the crisis in Iraq will turn out all right, you probably have a parlay going that the Phillies will win the World Series in October and that no one ever need worry again about a SEPTA strike. …

I guess you heard about Republican Majority Leader Eric Cantor’s stunning defeat in the Virginia Primary. No??? You say you’re too busy worrying about whether your kid’s public school will open in the fall? Let me catch you up on the inside-the-beltway chatter. Cantor lost the primary to a guy named David Brat (no, I’m not kidding you about his last name, although I admit it sounds like something a snarky columnist like me would make up).

Apparently Cantor lost because, among other things (the other things being primarily that he’s a self-satisfied jerk), he was too soft on immigration. Being “soft” on immigration among Tea Party types is insisting that we not punish the innocent kids of illegal immigrants who were brought into this country or born here and are American citizens. Hey, if you’re four years old, you should know enough to tell mom and dad, I’m waiting in line like other law abiding immigrants. I’m surprised immigration is a big deal in a state like Virginia. You thought Virginia was for lovers? Well, it is, so long as the lovers didn’t get here illegally. Is Virginia a haven for illegal immigrants?

Bill Maher mentioned on his HBO show last week that with the defeat of Cantor, all of the remaining elected Republicans congressmen are white Christians. Cantor is Jewish. I find it suspicious that there were dangling chads in the balloting and most of the Jewish vote went for Pat Buchanan or am I thinking about another election? …

Philadelphia Archbishop Charles Chaput is promoting participation in the upcoming March For Marriage in D.C. This isn’t really a march “for” marriage is it? The institution of marriage has never been more popular thanks to the LGBT community. So, isn’t this a march against marriage — gay marriage? Am I wrong? Maybe the march is designed to encourage more straight folks to stop living together and get married. My instincts tell me this is not the case.

I admit Chaput listening to my advice is like the Pope inviting Martin Luther to tea in the 16th century. Nevertheless if you want folks to march for a cause, aren’t there more pressing issues for the Archbishop like merging churches and schools? You think maybe not having anyone under 65 show up for Mass on Sundays is a bit more important than stopping two gay people from getting married in a civil ceremony? How about the future of parochial schools in this city?

Some people might think that at a time like this, marching against gay marriage is a sign that one has become too obsessed with a social issue that really doesn’t affect the lives of parishioners. Or am I misinterpreting something Pope Francis said?…

There is a line from an F. Scott Fitzgerald short story, “The rich are different from you and me.” You think the Clintons were really broke when they left the White House? Different definition of “broke” for rich folks.

Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.

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