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The other day, Uncle Nunzi asked if I believe the president when he says there will not be American boots on the ground in Iraq. Uncle believes the president may be deceiving us. When is the last time you saw any shoes made in America? In effect, Uncle believes the president intends to put American troops back in Iraq wearing good leather Italian boots, and then claim he kept his promise.
Most military experts believe that in order to defeat ISIS effectively, you can’t do it with air strikes alone. You need ground troops. Our Arab allies are skittish about putting their own boots on the ground. I don’t care if their troops wear open-toed sandals, it’s time they stop depending on us (of course, it would help, on the other hand, if we stop depending on their oil). ISIS keeps threatening us should we introduce ground troops. My personal preference, if I were in the infantry, would be to enter the country in the dead of night without any formal introduction.
September has been a sour month all around. I’ve lost count of how many celebrities have died. It’s been difficult for the mainstream media to keep with the celebrities cashing in their chips (a phrase that has particular resonance with Atlantic City casinos closing in bunches). I suggest we here at the South Philly Review put out a special edition solely dedicated to covering the deaths of famous people. It is the only way to do justice to our infatuation with celebrities. Call our special edition Dead Celebs. We shouldn’t restrict ourselves to only covering the deaths of the rich and famous residing below Snyder Avenue.
Some of you get upset when this newspaper occasionally reviews a restaurant that is more than a subway stop from your home, but, hopefully, you will feel differently about our dead celeb policy. Our intention is to overhype and overpraise any famous person who dies, no matter how minimal his or her talent. I admit that should Kim Kardashian pass, the policy would pose a major challenge, but, hopefully, Kim will live a long and prosperous life and continue naming her offspring after the points of a compass.
Hardly a week went by in September without some disturbing off-the-field incident in the National Football League. I never thought I’d see the day when TMZ became more important than Sports Illustrated in keeping up with the NFL. The Ray Rice abuse case is still being adjudicated. Rice is appealing his indefinite suspension because of what he considers double jeopardy. Initially, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suspended Rice for only two games until TMZ came forth with the infamous second video. By the time the case is fully litigated, Rice and his wife will be celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary, and he’ll be too old to play in any but the two-hand touch league in Florida’s retirement communities (losing team pays for the early-bird specials).
One thing Rice will want to keep in mind is never to hire Adrian Peterson to baby-sit his children. Most people I know believe Petersen went too far in disciplining his 4-year-old (except for Vikings fans or those who have Peterson in their fantasy football league). As you probably know by now, Peterson used a switch on his child (rumor has it the reason for the beating was the boy could not recite Adrian’s 2013 rushing statistics), and is rumored to have done the same thing to another of his children. Somebody (was it TMZ again?) released photos of the terrible marks left on the child’s body. Peterson’s defense is that his own parents used a switch to discipline him (and we all know how wonderful Peterson has turned out).
After Peterson was indicted for child abuse, the Vikings sat him down for a week. After Minnesota was figuratively whipped the following Sunday, the team decided that one week off was sufficient punishment for their star running back. A recap is in order right about here concerning NFL justice. You can be suspended four games for smoking pot, two games if you score a clean knockout of your soon-to-be wife (unless the media and sponsors complain and then the commissioner changes his mind and suspends you indefinitely) and get an unofficial one game suspension if you whip the daylights out of your kid.
Unfortunately for Peterson and the Vikings, NFL sponsors responded to angry complaints from parents as far away as Grenoble (where they have always treated their children with kid gloves of their own manufacture since the 1300s). Note — aren’t you impressed by the wealth of information sometimes available in these columns? The Vikings subsequently were forced to suspend Peterson until the charges are resolved in court. Peterson’s jersey joins that of Rice in an NFL recycling bin developed specifically for the purpose of disposing of the jerseys of disgraced players. The bin bears the name of a corporate sponsor.
You want to know how sour September has really been? Olive Garden has been attacked for its policy of giving out unlimited breadsticks. The restaurant chain defends its policy by saying that it represents “Italian generosity.” Uncle has news for Olive Garden: Italians would never even call those doughy sticks “bread.” You want Italian generosity, he says, maybe you should serve real Italian food. ■
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