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I see where Mitt Romney may be gearing up for his third try at the White House. Timely. At a time when the country is mulling the twin threats of ISIS and Ebola, what we really need in 2016 is a glorified hedge manager whose proposed remedies when he ran in ’12 would have left us minus an auto industry and improved health care. Mitt has his finger out the window just to see which way the wind is blowing on the issues.

The spread of Ebola is on the minds of a lot folks around here. As one who has been hospitalized twice in the last eight years for bacterial infections, I am not exactly immune to worry. Concern, yes, but realistically you have a much better chance of dying from a bad chicken cutlet. However, that doesn’t mean the CDC has inspired confidence either. We need some candor and competence.

Another thing that has us scared in South Philadelphia is the rumor that in the future the Columbus Day Parade will be renamed. Both Seattle and Minneapolis changed the parade to honor indigenous people. Both cities have large Native American populations, unlike Philadelphia. Let’s face it, there are good reasons to stop honoring Columbus. He really needed a GPS. Thought he discovered India. “Discovered” a country already discovered by Leif Erickson. Mostly repaid the friendly natives he encountered by enslaving or murdering them. Within two years of the arrival of Columbus, half the native population was dead. We Italian-Americans don’t need Christopher Columbus to honor; we’ve got lots of other paisanos who have made America a better place. Rename the parade what it really stands for — ethnic pride. How about Italian-American Day?

It seems as if that’s what other ethnic groups do in Philly. Rumor has it that once the ethnic parades have all finished, Channel 6 will have two hours of dead air on Sunday afternoons. What did Columbus know about roast pork with long hots and a slice of provolone?

I’ve got a problem with the School Reform Commission and Bill Green. They apparently subscribe to the Chris Christie theory that all we have to do to balance the school budget is to bleed the teachers a little more. After all, what do these teachers really do besides teach our kids? Is that as important as managing a hedge fund or being the CEO for a carbonated beverage company? And teachers get summers off. Wouldn’t we all kill for the opportunity to supplement our incomes by bartending down the shore, or better yet, selling salt water taffy? What ingrates.

See here’s how it works. You whiny teachers negotiate a compensation contract in good faith with us. You accept less money in salary in return for good medical benefits. We don’t worry about budgeting for the cost of the contracts, but keep kicking the can down the road to future politicians. Inevitably, when we get into financial trouble, we expect you and the parents in the home and school associations to buy luxuries such as pencils and paper. If that doesn’t work, we just cancel our contract with you unilaterally and blame you for being selfish spoiled sports. And when the next contracts come up, we expect you to believe that we won’t cancel whatever benefits you negotiated the next time we get into trouble. Then we wind up complaining when our schools end up becoming holding cells for kids who couldn’t pass a typical citizenship test. We impose a tax on cigarettes that depends on folks increasing their smoking habits in order to provide revenue for the schools. That’s not a School “Reform” Commission; it’s a School “Destruction” Commission.

I don’t know about you, but I spent some sleepless nights worrying about where Kim Jong Un of North Korea had disappeared. In an undated photo, Kim was recently spotted walking with a cane and reading Dennis Rodman’s biography. Kim refuses to talk about his goal of destroying the United States, but would be happy to comment on LeBron James’ returning to Cleveland.

Giant stores reversed themselves on their recent policy of removing the USDA grades from the meat they sell. In place of grades such as “choice” or “select,” Giant began labeling all its meats as “USDA Graded,” which is about as meaningful as saying “at least this meat was inspected.” As you might expect, there were complaints from customers who thought even calling this stuff “choice” and “select” was a helluva stretch. Which reminds me, there used to be a van that pulled up in front of the old Quartermaster Depot at 20th and Johnston streets selling meat out the back. Who cared about the labeling when the price for the filet mignon was phenomenal?

After Giant received a ton of complaints, it decided to go back to putting the grade of the meat back on the package. Why did anyone ever change the packaging in the first place? Maybe Giant figured that the guys selling meat out of the van were doing so well, grading information was of no interest to their patrons. What Giant didn’t figure on is the uniqueness of our area. In these parts, many things sell better out of the back of a van.

The Vatican has issued a kinder and gentler statement on tolerating gay Catholics. Ladies — your turn is coming. 

Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.

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