Cardella’s guide to losing

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The experts called last week’s election results across the nation a Republican “wave.” One bright spot. In Pennsylvania, incumbent Gov. Tom Corbett found out that the Republican tide did not lift his boat. But, alas, Democrats found out they had better start taking swimming lessons, too. The president made the election about himself, and now the Democrats are angrier with him than Republicans.

At Fox News, the good old boys and blonde female news anchors needed several changes of underclothes in the joyful aftermath of conservative success. At MSNBC, white liberals shoved Rev. Al Sharpton front and center to explain how people still love President Barack Obama despite the debacle. Tough sell, Rev. We kept concentrating on that one ray of hope — Pennsylvania. How smart you’ve become. Corbett tried to explain why he is “proud” to be a one-term governor. It is not easy to lose if one is an incumbent governor in Pennsylvania, where most voters think the term of office for their chief executive is eight years.

As a public service to those of you, Republican or Democrat, whose favorite candidates lost last week, here is my guide on how to face the reality of political defeat:

Voter fraud — (Warning-this excuse works only for Republicans in Pennsylvania) —Those bums stole the election. If only the Court hadn’t struck down the implementation of Voter ID laws here in Pennsylvania, Corbett would’ve won in a landslide. Note-this rationale requires you to believe that only Republicans have a driver’s license or a copy of their birth certificate. It is also true that the more extreme conservatives among you believe you ought to have to show country club membership to vote.

Losing Democrats, who opposed Voter ID laws, face the dilemma of trying to figure out a way to suppress the Republican vote around the rest of the country. The problem is that Republicans always vote. They are an angry minority, and they vote their anger. Democrats, on the other hand, particularly younger voters, tend to sleep-in on Election Day unless legalizing pot is on the ballot.

Campaign money — Democrats like to blame big money for influencing the elections they lose. In Pennsylvania, money was good. Tom Wolf’s money. A year ago, no one in this state knew Tom Wolf from Wolf Blitzer — though they do both have gray beards. Wolf’s money got him the nomination before the other Democratic candidates knew what hit them. Winning the election against Corbett was a snap. Winning the Democratic nomination took money.

We didn’t get our message out — This is the most common theme of losers. They would have loved us if only they had known us better. Both parties and loyal followers have used this little bit of self-delusion for years, but it works to make losers feel better. There is a basic human need to feel that we are loved despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. The president proudly proclaimed during the campaign that his policies were on the ballot. So if you’re Obama, how do you square the Republican wave of election night success with the belief that most voters like what you have done for the last six years? (a fact confirmed by the polls). Easy. Just repeat after me: We need to do a better job of getting our message out. Translation: Who do those dumb-ass voters think is pushing for a higher minimum wage?

Dumb-ass voters — Losing politicians can never question the wisdom of the voters, at least in public. However, the rest of us do it all the time. Every time our candidate loses. Despite the fact that we are also voters. When our candidate loses, we set ourselves apart from the public. Make that above the public. By looking down our noses at the dummies who just voted “wrong,” we at least salvage a measure of superiority. We are able to overcome the feeling of rejection. I have never believed the losers on Election Night, who begin their concession speeches with the words, “The voters have spoken and we accept their decision.” No. No. We never accept their decision. We realize that this is a democracy, and we can’t manage a putsch. But we sulk in stormy silence. In the darkest night of our souls, we curse the stupidity of the American voter. Horror of horrors, we rant on Facebook.

It doesn’t matter who won — This is the ultimate fallback position. After telling anyone who would listen how the world would end if the opposition won, we now shrug off the taunts of the victors by saying, “Doesn’t really matter.” Even when some wise guy reminds you that you promised to move to Canada if the opposition emerged victorious, you remain stoic. You feign amnesia or an allergy to maple syrup. You are not leaving for Canada. That’s just what the opposition would like. They want you to leave America to their kind. Well, you’re not going to give them the satisfaction, and there’s another election in two years.

Canada will have to get along without us. We’ve got work to do to prevent voter fraud, stop the influx of corporate money and figure out how to get our message out in time for the next election when Americans will have come to their senses.

In the meantime, Tom Wolf won. Na na na na na! 

Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.

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