Into 2015

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January: Some chaos results during the Mummers Parade. One brigade insists on marching toward City Hall and runs into mummers heading in the opposite direction causing a terrific traffic snarl. In the meantime, folks protesting the parade’s new route climb on top of the jammed cars holding signs portraying a roast pork sandwich with the words “See What You’re Missing!” Some string bands decide to quit the parade route after performing in front of the judges’ stand in Center City, figuring what’s the point of marching any farther. City Council President Darrell Clarke blames the confusion on the Mayor’s attempt to sell PGW. Those of us who live in the sports complex area blame the new casino even though it hasn’t been built yet.

February: USA Today reveals the recent disappearance of multiple airlines is all part of a PR campaign to hype a new TV sequel to “Lost.” They claim the planes were all hidden on an abandoned tropical island once owned by Merv Griffin and recently purchased by Miley Cyrus. The TV sequel will be titled “Found.” A photo of Miley is “leaked” on the Internet standing in front of one of the missing planes in just her undies. “Entertainment Tonight” reports Cyrus will jumpstart a singing comeback in a new “Duets” album with Tony Bennett. It is rumored that Bennett is unhappy because he was hoping for Nicki Minaj.

March: A Wendy’s tries to open on East Passyunk Avenue causing several hipsters to hyperventilate. … CNN’s ratings take a sharp plunge when, two months into the new year, there are no new epidemics and not one airliner goes missing. … FOX news blames Spring Fever on President Barack Obama. …The entire NYPD continues to turn its back on New York Mayor Bill de Blasio until it realizes that he’s been on vacation with his wife for the last week in the Bahamas.

April: The Phillies open their season before 30,000 empty seats. They announce a sellout. Team officials announce a new bobblehead doll will be given out this season at every home game featuring celebrities in various stages of undress. Dollar Dog Day has been expanded to include every home game. A new feature is being added called Fans Pick the Lineup. If one’s seat location is called out, he or she will be permitted to pick the Phillies lineup for that game (the only exception is that fans will not have permission to play Ryan Howard against left-handers).

May: The Ice Bucket Challenge for charity has been replaced by the Tarantula Challenge. Charlie Sheen is credited for inventing the new challenge, which is designed to benefit the rehabilitation of porn addicts. Sheen stripped naked while his new girlfriend Billie The Kid placed a live tarantula on his body. Charlie explained that despite their horrid appearance, the venom of a tarantula is less potent than that of a wasp. “I’ve been bitten by girlfriends with more venom,” Sheen said. It was announced that Sheen’s girlfriend will be doing a duet with Tony Bennett on a new album titled “Billie Does Bennett.”

June: Based on a Jerry Seinfeld joke concerning the terrorist organization ISIS, a new water ice stand is opening in my neighborhood called ITALIAN ISIS. … A Cuban filmmaker causes a stir when he announces on MSNBC his plans for a new film about assassinating the American president. The satirical plot stars Harold and Kumar as two waiters recruited by Raul Castro to gain revenge for CIA attempts on his brother Fidel’s life back in the 1960s. Liberal organizations such as MoveOn.org mobilize to boycott trips to Cuba.

July: General Motors announces a massive recall of all of its 2015 cars after discovering that it installed cigarette lighters next to the fuel tank. … NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is honored at Lincoln Center for his league going six consecutive months without one of his players punching out a girlfriend. … In New York City, Mayor de Blasio announces he is going to turn his back on the NYPD, whose members backs remain turned on him. New York Post headline — BACK TO BACK. In an attempt to heal the rift, Tony Bennett announces plans to release a new duets album with a female member of the NYPD. They will record with their backs to each other.

August: Vladimir Putin sends Russian missiles into Cuba. “It was a slow news month, so I thought I’d help out CNN,” Putin, who appears shirtless during the announcement, says.

September: Pope Francis is hailed by massive throngs of Philadelphians on his visit to our city. During an interview, the Pope mentions to Jim Gardner he felt sorry for the city because it is starved for any parade below Washington Avenue. “And besides,” says the Pope, “it will be a long time before any of its sports teams is likely to win anything.”

October: Texas Gov. Rick Perry drops out of the race for the Republican nomination for president when he mentions there are three reasons he is running and can remember only two.

November: Darrel Clarke loses his bid to become our new mayor and blames his defeat on Nutter’s attempt to sell PGW.

December: City officials announce a new Mummers parade route. In ’16, the new route has the Mummers marching south on Broad Street and winds up having them perform before the judges inside Citizens Bank Park. It is the first time all the seats are filled this year. 

Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.

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