An apology from the president

110833821

There is a strong rumor that President Barack Obama is going to make a formal apology to his many critics tomorrow night on national television. Your fearless columnist has obtained an advance copy of his apology appropriately titled “Mea Culpa,” and I now share it with you:

Good evening, my fellow Americans, especially the viewers of Fox News. I’m taking the unprecedented step tonight of apologizing to all of you who want your country back. The bad news is you’ll have to wait at least two more years. But tonight, I do wish to address all of your specific concerns and pledge to do a better job.

First, let me admit I would not have sought this job at all if I had realized six years ago how much some of you were going to get upset. By defeating John McCain, I deprived all of you of the enjoyment of having Sarah Palin as your vice president. At the same time, I inadvertently deprived Tina Fey of a lucrative opportunity to continue her impressions so that maybe she would not have to keep hosting TV award shows.

I also realize that in besting Sen. McCain, I deprived you of at least two or three more new wars and simultaneously of learning how to pronounce the names of some little known cities in the Middle East. I admit that if I had realized your chagrin in 2012, you could now be enjoying Mitt Romney as your president or at least 53 percent of you would be enjoying Mitt. Please accept my sincere regrets.

I apologize for the lower gas prices you are experiencing. To the Republican flack who came up with the slogan Drill Baby Drill, perhaps I can get you a job in the post office or perhaps co-hosting “The View” like Nicolle Wallace.

To those of you who believed that only the elimination of pesky federal regulations stands between us and a better life, I apologize for the improvement in our economy, the lower unemployment rate and a robust stock market. I know how much these things bother the Wall Street Journal and guys who wear pinstriped suits.

I know that the Affordable Care Act — you derisively call it Obamacare — has rankled many of you. I hope the fact that the latest report indicates that the cost will be 7 percent lower for the next 10 years than we previously predicted will not impede the Republicans’ latest efforts at repeal. I’m sure that if Republicans are successful at repealing Obamacare and overriding my veto, that the voters who since qualified will not hold it against the Republican Congress when their children under 26 are dropped from their policies. And for those of you whose coverage would be taken away because of pre-existing conditions, may I suggest you refer these whiners to Paul Ryan.

At this point, I want to give a special thanks to Mike Huckabee for his parental advice. I want Mr. Huckabee to know that Michelle and I have gone into our daughters’ iPods and deleted all the selections by Beyonce and Jay Z and replaced them with Flatt and Scruggs.

To Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel, I sincerely regret that you didn’t get the Republican president you wished for. Perhaps I can offer you a position in my cabinet, but I believe that you might be uncomfortable unless you are the one making all the final decisions. You are much like Philadelphia Eagles coach Chip Kelly that way. That is why tonight I am recommending a change to our Constitution to allow a non-citizen to become president of the United States — some of you think I already skirted that requirement (chuckle). Such a change should be fast-tracked so that Mr. Netanyahu can run in the Republican primaries. May I say, Florida is not in the bag, sir.

While I am at it, I may as well admit that climate change is just something dreamed up by my campaign strategists in ’08. You were right to ignore all that so-called evidence being put out there by climatologists. Everyone knows they’re all Democrats anyway. And yes, I did have someone from the NSA hack into those computer weather models in Philly last week. It was my little joke, and I apologize tonight to Hurricane Schwartz, Kathy Orr and Cecily Tynan for making them all look like they are as crazy as John Bolaris.

Now that the Super Bowl is over, I can admit that it was one of my staff members who deflated the New England Patriots footballs. I’m a Chicago Bears fan — a frustrated Bears fan. I can’t stand little Mr. Goody Two Shoes Tom Brady or Bill Belichick, who ought to get that sweatshirt washed sometime really soon. I admit it was an overreach of governmental power. I shouldn’t have done it. After all, the Patriots’ home is in Massachusetts and if there’s any state a Democrat doesn’t want to screw with, it’s that one that is always in the bag for us. I apologize tonight to all the good citizens of Massachusetts, and to their Gov. Charlie Baker, and also my friend Deval Patrick. Also to the Patriots organization and its fans — and especially to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who heaven knows doesn’t need any help from me to make an ass of himself.

Good night and God bless the United States of America and especially bless Bill O’Reilly. 

Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.

110833821
110833831