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I’m thinking of entering the race to become the Republican nominee for president. Oh, I know you Republicans are thinking we do not need no stinkin’ liberal socialists in our party. If Cardella wants to run for president, let him do it as a Democrat. Fair enough, except I can not beat Hillary Clinton because she looks slightly better in a pants suit, and I too have a private e-mail account. Besides, the Republicans are more open to longshot (some may say “crazy”) candidates. I certainly qualify as a long shot. And I am at least as crazy as Rick Santorum (just ask my wife). I even have my issue — deport illegal immigrants.
I have a plan to get rid of all of the estimated 11 million illegal immigrants in this beloved country of ours. I am just lusting to go head to head with Jeb Bush and his squishy idea that illegal immigrants should be coddled. When my plan is carried out, no one will be asking for a cheesesteak in any language but English. No longer will you have to hear that recording, “Push one for English and two for Spanish.” There will not be a need for the No. 2 button. You want specifics, I’ll give you specifics.
I plan to organize a special squad of 10,000 immigration enforcement officers to handle the round-up and deportation of illegal immigrants. Note — Let’s acknowledge right away that Milt Romney’s idea that 11M illegal immigrants would deport themselves is sheer folly. Nobody’s leaving this country where they can have a minimum wage job as a gardener, short order cook or nanny with all the glamour that entails to go back to their own country where “The Bachelor” might not be on prime time TV. So yeah, we need a small army of about 10,000 well-trained enforcers.
I figure the average number of illegal immigrants in a family is about five. Doing a quick calculation, make that 2.2 million illegal families in the United States. It probably would take two members of our special squad about two hours to round up and escort a family to a deportation center (you want to give it a fancy name — call it an “Outgoing Hospitality Center”). Figure on two squad members working a 40 hour week, which means they can round up say, 20 families per week. Divide the 10,000 enforcement squad into 5,000 two-man teams. Stick with me here. That gives you a total of 100,000 families a week over a 22 week period for the entire round-up of illegals. Note: I know some PC types do not like the word “illegals,” but what is the plural of illegal anyway?
Efficiency requires that we take an illegal family directly to an airport for deportation. Let me just stop things for a moment here. Nobody, least of all this candidate, is talking about treating these illegal families shabbily. I am proposing that we allow each child to take their favorite “American” toy (made in China) back with them. Parents should be allowed to take all their belongings, and their favorite Ricky Martin recording. Favorable references will be provided by their American employers.
OK, back to the airport. Air transport will have been pre-chartered and waiting on the runway. I told you this is going to be run efficiently. We are Republicans. Each jet will need to make two roundtrip flights per day to Mexico (if illegals have frequent flyer miles, they may be used to help defray costs). I figure that makes a total of 80 families a day or 400 a week per jet. To accommodate the 100,000 families rounded up each week, we would need 250 jets — here my math starts getting a bit fuzzy, but I will hire an accountant to flesh out the details of my plan.
Admittedly costs of rounding up illegals can escalate if some of the families decide not to cooperate in being deported and go into hiding. We also have to figure on another disturbing statistic that I read somewhere that one out of every three deportees is back in the United States within 30 days. But I have got that covered because in addition to rounding up illegals, I’m planning to build a great wall along the 2,000-mile border using the same architecture plans as was used to build the Great Wall of China. We could turn our own great wall into a tourist attraction, charge admission, and sell American-made souvenirs to help defray some of the costs. I have been to the Great Wall of China and saw the Chinese peddlers doing very well selling Chinese souvenirs (most which were posters of Chairman Mao).
We will have to get Congress to change the law that right now makes the U.S. born children of illegals American citizens, the problem being that it is currently against the law to deport those kids. We don’t want to be stuck with a bunch of American immigrant kids who need adopting. My rough estimate is that it will take about $100 million to implement my plan to round up and deport all 11 million illegals currently in our country — that’s excluding the cost of building the Great Wall of America. Be assured, there will not be a tax increase to cover my plan. Maybe we can eliminate Medicare to help pay for it.
Do not forget the illegals can help pay by contributing their frequent flyers miles.
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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