(The following is an excerpt from a speech to registering freshman at Trump University. The speaker is Dean John Foster, known affectionately by Mr. Trump as “my African-American”)
“Ladies and gentleman, welcome to Trump University. We are pleased that you have chosen our school as your gateway to success in life. Mr. Trump would like you to know that he wanted to be here to greet you personally, but, as you know, he is in the middle of his presidential campaign to make this country great again. All of you made a mandatory purchase of his trademarked red baseball cap at a cost of only $75 when you entered the auditorium. A reminder – One of the few rules we have here at Trump U is ‘Never ask any questions.’
“One of the first things I was asked by some students outside in the hall this morning was ‘Do you have a football team?’ We do not (the sound of moans from the assembled students). Do not fret. By eliminating football, we have saved on the cost of tuition, but we have left in place rallies where you can chant ‘We’re number one!’
“In place of football, we do have some extra-curricular programs that, I may say, are not offered at any other university. Students are encouraged to participate in such sports as Trophy Hunting. Mr. Trump’s son is the instructor, and you will have the opportunity to hunt down defenseless exotic animals for the sheer purpose of mounting their heads above your mantle piece.
“We also have a debating team, which is taught by Mr. Trump himself, an example of the very personal interest that he takes in each of his students. As a member of the debating team, you will learn how to respond to your opponents without really responding simply by calling them a pet name that you repeat over and over again. That reminds me that as a companion piece to participating in the debating team, there is a mandatory requirement that you purchase a textbook that includes the origins of some of Mr. Trump’s most successful nicknames such as “Lyin’ Ted Cruz” and “Little Marco.” Mr. Trump himself authored the book. It includes a foreward by Gov. Chris Christie and costs only $150. (Answering a question by a student in the audience)-No, that is not included in the tuition price, as was indicated incorrectly on the website. Neither was your mandatory purchase of “The Art of the Deal.” I might add that all of our Trump U debates are carried live on both CNN and MSNBC. (Laughing) Both networks always televise our debates because we promise an appearance by Mr. Trump when they are concluded.
“Let’s get to some of the highlights of our curriculum, shall we? Note our course titled Great Men in History has received a rave review by Bill O’Reilly of Fox News. In the course, great men in history, such as Mr. Trump, are profiled. His piece takes up the first half of the book and is the only portion that is required reading for all students.
“Other chapters include such notables as Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un of North Korea. (Answering another student)- Yes, they are dictators. And, no, Mr. Trump does not agree with all their policies, but he admires their guts and he admires anyone in return who says nice things about him. (Answering a follow-up question from the same student, a bespectacled female)- That is correct, there are no females included in the book because (becoming impatient) the title of the book, silly, is “Great Men.” Mr. Trump intends to include a course on great women as soon as he can find one besides his current wife that is not a ‘bimbo.’ (The same student attempts to answer another question)- Toss her out of here. She’s obviously a member of the scummy press corps who sneaked in here. Try not to grab her arm, Corey.
“The most important parts of our curriculum are the financial courses that will guarantee you success in life. Incidentally, those courses include an ironclad guarantee personally vouched for by Mr. Trump. If you follow his rules, you are guaranteed to make more money than Mark Cuban, whom Mr. Trump believes really is a Cuban and therefore suspect. (Answering a question from a bespectacled male student)- Yes, that same guarantee was included in every purchase of Trump Steaks. (Angrily) Corey, I believe that is the same member of the press corps dressed like a man, could be a transgender type. Toss him, please, but you may allow him to use the bathroom on the way out because Mr. Trump does not get involved in bathroom issues.
“There are courses on how to declare bankruptcy. One of these is titled Fraud Is Our Friend. A nuanced course, we love nuance here at Trump U, on how to use undocumented workers while at the same time building a wall to keep them out.
“Something to remember. As a tribute to our flexibility at Trump U, our textbooks, as you can see (showing a sample text to the audience) are in the form of looseleaf pages that can be removed and replaced. That’s because we change our positions often, sometimes on a daily basis.
“In conclusion, mind our slogan – ‘We dump on you at Trump U.’” ■