Here Come the Dems


There are different reasons to get excited over the Democrats coming to town to hold their convention next week. A week after they leave, we’ll finally get rid of all those “cute” donkey statues around Center City. Columnist’s note — there will still be a lot of asses left in Philly even after the donkeys are removed. Uncle Nunzi always thought it would actually be a great idea to put a well-known politician’s face on each donkey. The only criteria would’ve been the politician would have to have been convicted of a felony. Personally, I think the Ozzie Myers and Milton Street donkeys would’ve been the most popular. As it was, the idea was soundly rejected, and instead each donkey bears the name of a state. The “Colorado” donkey bears a perpetual scowl, no doubt because it is positioned outside the Union League, with its long history of Republican worship.

In our neck of the woods (a colloquialism hardly ever applied to South Philadelphia), next week’s convention is expected to provide a boost to the South Jersey Shore. The prospect of protesters camping in Franklin Delano Roosevelt Park (League Island or the Lakes to us) is expected to create a massive exodus not seen since Grateful Dead fans littered this area. Protests, no matter how well intentioned, are not part of our DNA, unless they’re marching in support of making the roast pork sandwich our state emblem. If you want to effect social change, elect crooked politicians and bribe them. It works for us.

Happy to see that Bernie Sanders finally endorsed Hillary Clinton for President. Now they can cancel the dance number scheduled for Day 1 of the convention — Undecided Now. Clinton has some very high unfavorable ratings. If she beats Donald Trump, it is likely that the Democrats will change their old theme from “Happy Days Are Here Again” to Billie Holiday’s “Glad to Be Unhappy.” Sanders almost took longer to make his endorsement than his look-a-like Larry David did to decide to bring back “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” In fact, the Vermont senator did a great job of curbing his own enthusiasm at the thought of endorsing Clinton. She did seem to cave on a number of Sanders’ pet ideas, but rumor has it that she was crossing her fingers behind her back when she did so. The TV networks are probably disappointed that we don’t have a Sanders-Trump matchup in the fall. The public relations folks could have promoted the matchup as the Socialist versus the Sociopath. Once again, dear reader, I’ve gotten hold of the highlights of next week’s Democratic Convention to share with you.

Day 1 (July 25)

I’m not predicting a bloodbath over the party’s platform, but I understand that the Red Cross is asking for emergency donors. To use a source’s quote, “There hasn’t been this much blood spilled since Sonny tried to get through the Long Beach Causeway Toll Plaza in ‘The Godfather.’” A prominent rumor of unknown origin on Facebook claims that Bill Clinton has been locked in the basement of the Warwick Hotel for the duration of the convention.

The evening will conclude with a fiery keynote speech by Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Warren’s performance is praised by partisans, but Trump tweets the following — “She doesn’t like it when I call her Pocahontas, but did you notice that she was wearing moccasins? Wow! Unbelievable! #-I love the Indian people.”

Day 2 (July 26)

Chelsea Clinton is scheduled to speak. She is expected to extol the virtues of her mother’s chocolate chip cookies (“I don’t want to say that Mom is a nerd, but she named each cookie after a little known country. Her recipe was titled a FIVE-POINT PROGRAM FOR BAKING CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.”)

Bernie Sanders will address an enthusiastic crowd that chants BERNIE! BERNIE! until Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chairperson of the Democratic National Committee, is forced to come on stage (amid boos) and remind the crowd that it’s Hillary Clinton they are there to nominate as their party’s presidential candidate.

Day 3 (July 27)

It is time for the Vice-Presidential nominee, Sen. Tim Kaine of Virginia, to speak. Many of the delegates are disappointed that the nominee is not Warren, and they begin once again singing “Glad To Be Unhappy.” Uncle Nunzi is surprised that Clinton didn’t choose Bill as her running mate. I mention that not everyone has NETFLIX and seen “House of Cards.”

Republican Congressman Trey Gowdy picks this day to announce yet another congressional investigation into Hillary Clinton. The subject of the investigation, to our surprise, is not either Benghazi or the Clinton e-mails, but on why Hillary takes so long in the restroom.

Day 4 (July 28)

Hillary Clinton accepts the Democratic nomination for President. Her speech consists of one word “finally.” However, she does mention her 10-point plan for the use of the word “finally.” On MSNBC, Nicolle Wallace and Rachel Maddow debate whether it is proper to call the party Democrat or Democratic. Fox News features a spirited debate on whether Hillary will be indicted for taking too long in the restroom. Sean Hannity believes it is worth a five-year prison sentence. Bill O’Reilly adds that it proves that Hillary is “not a regular guy with whom you can share a beer.” Roger Ailes, the head of the network, proudly asserts that Hillary is the one female whom neither he nor Donald Trump has ever hit on. ■