Cardella: Monologue

(The other night, I dreamed I was a stand-up comedian delivering a monologue clad only in my underwear. I’m not sure why I was in my underwear, except to say that for some reason we’re always in our underwear.)

I am honored to be here tonight at the Wells Fargo Center filling in for Kevin Hart. Was it a coincidence that this building was named to honor white collar crime or has that become the latest American tradition? What were the choices — the Enron Arena or the Bernie Madoff Community Center?

“Kevin is sorry he couldn’t be here. He’s busy auditioning for the part of the genie in Disney’s remake of ‘Aladdin.’”

Is that what Hollywood needed right now — remakes? I’m having trouble figuring out what the difference is between a franchise movie and a remake? Is “Fast and Furious 3” a remake or a franchise series? It’s not as if Hollywood is intent on remaking great movies? They’re not remaking Casablanca. They’re remaking Jumanji. Has there been a clamor to remake “Jumanji?” I must’ve missed it.

Even Broadway has become nothing but remakes, or as they call them on the Great White Way, “revivals.” They’re bringing “Hello Dolly” back with Bette Midler. In the latest version, Midler is still a yenta, but in a bath house in New York. For a while, Charles Dickens was a hot commodity on Broadway. All you had to was put some music to a Dickens novel and you had a box office smash — “Oliver,” “Nicholas Nickleby,” “The Mystery of Edwin Drood,” “A Christmas Carol.” All hits.

Now “Hamilton” will probably start a new trend. We’ll probably see a string of musicals about each of the founding fathers — Washington, Jefferson, Ben Franklin. And hip-hop music was so big in “Hamilton,” figure on seeing it used again. Jefferson rapping with Sally Hemings would be a natural fit.

Me, I don’t have time to see musicals on Broadway or even to go to the movies often. Why? I don’t mind telling you. I’ve been fixated on Trump’s first 100 days. I barely got this gig tonight — the promoter was going to just run a tape of a Sean Spicer press conference.

Critics say Trump is not growing into his role as president. I respectfully disagree. Not once has he taken another ride on that TMZ bus with Billy Bush. Incidentally, Trump just found out that Billy Bush wasn’t the 43rd president. And he’s learned how to delegate. When in doubt, he lets Jared and Ivanka make the decisions. Jared and Ivanka are to Trump what Cersei was to Tommen in “Game of Thrones.” You want the crisis in North Korea solved, Ivanka will allow Kim to share 25 percent of the profits in her new clothing line. Jared will get Kim a better haircut and ownership in an NBA franchise. (From then on, NBA will stand for Nuclear Ban Agreement). And instead of worrying about ICBMs raining down on them, Angelenos will wind up eating more Korean BBQ.

Liberals underestimate Trump just like they did Ronald Reagan. While liberals were making fun of Reagan for “Bedtime for Bonzo,” Reagan became president, got re-elected, got Sinatra to become a Republican, and got an airport named after himself. It’s going to be the same with Trump. Mark my words. On any of the big issues of the day. Trump has the liberal media confused.

Take the border wall for example. Trump started big. Mexico will pay for the $30 billion wall. Then, he said, well, they’ll pay for it later after we put a down payment on building the wall or I’ll shut down the government. Now, he postponed thinking about the wall until September because illegal border crossings are down over 60 percent (Trump is so loopy even the Mexicans don’t want to come here). Presto. Trump takes credit for reducing illegal immigration and being reasonable by not shutting down the government.

I predict he’ll do the same thing with health care.Trump has the media confused on where he stands on health care. I’m not confused at all. He wants to repeal Obamacare and create a new plan with lower premiums and better care for everybody. Hell, That’s M&Ms candy. You have your great tasting chocolate without it melting in your hands — although, I have to ask: Unless you’re under 6 years old, was having chocolate melt in your hands ever a pressing problem? Anyway, Trump knows that he’s given Paul Ryan an impossible task. But he dislikes Ryan and wants to see him fail. To Trump, Ryan’s only redeeming feature is he’s a safe prom date for your daughter. This is a guy who couldn’t get to first base with an intentional walk. Health care’s failure becomes Ryan’s failure. Continuing Obamacare with its increasing prices and lack of competition is the Democrats’ failure. And Trump walks away and says “I told you so.!

Trump has cleverly set the bar so low that if he stays away from Twitter for a couple of days, they want to put him on Mount Rushmore. His biggest accomplishment the first 100 days is to get Spicer a navy suit. While liberals swear at Trump, more than 90 percent of his voters still swear by him.

“The only question left is which airport they’ll name for him in 2024.”

(At that point the dream ended. Or was it a nightmare?)