By Tom Cardella
According to President Donald Trump, the Civil War was fought because
a) Chain stores in the North refused to carry Ivanka Trump shoes and clothing
b) Southern states seceded because of their insistence on the expansion of slavery
c) Of yet another Obama Administration blunder
d) Andrew Jackson too dead to stop it
What questions are city voters asking about the May primary election for district attorney?
a) There’s a May primary for district attorney?
b) Who has the endorsement of my ward leader?
c) Is Milton Street running?
d) Will my voting help me get paid for doing work on Seth Williams’ house?
The recent NFL Draft Party on the Parkway was fun because
a) I got to boo NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell
b) Fun? Do you live around here, buddy?
c) I loved the exhibit that showed you how to deflate a football before the game
d) The Eagles drafted a player with a serious injury, and all the Sixers fans cheered
My least favorite Cardella column is
a) The one he wrote last
b) Anyone where he invents medical illnesses to gain sympathy
c) Is Cardella the one that writes that excellent column about beer?
d) The one where he picked on Rocky because he’d been dumb enough to bet on Apollo Creed
What does Philadelphia’s designation by the Trump Department of Justice as a “Sanctuary City” mean to you
a) Is a “Sanctuary City” where you can commit a felony and still get elected to represent your district?
b) Wait — there’s a Department of Justice in the Trump Administration?
c) I think living in a “Sanctuary City” means being safe from Republicans ever getting elected to high office.
d) Wouldn’t have happened if either Joey Vento or Andrew Jackson were Mayor.
What do you think about Kelly Ripa choosing Ryan Seacrest as her new co-host?
a) OK with me if that keeps “American Idol” off the air
b) Going from Michael Strahan to Ryan Seacrest is like going from Carson Wentz to Carson Kressley.
c) What? Jared Kushner wasn’t available?
d) Somewhere Regis Philbin is smiling
President Trump believes China’s leader is
a) A currency manipulator
b) His pal
c) The answer to solving our problems with North Korea
d) A guy who likes a good slice of chocolate cake
Trump supporters stand behind their president because
a) That’s where Melania is standing
b) He tells it like it isn’t
c) What? The election is over? Then what the hell am I doing at a campaign rally?
d) They’ve got a ton of money invested in coal
We need more bike paths in Philadelphia like we need more
a) Bus detours
b) How about I check first with Stu Bykovsky?
c) Candidates for DA
d) Has the automobile been banned yet?
President Trump’s opinion on North Korea is
a) That their leader is “one smart cookie”
b) That it’s a country with whom we could have a “major, major conflict”
c) They have a leader he’d be “honored” to meet
d) It’s a place I can see getting an NBA franchise
Gov. Tom Wolf’s relationship with Lt. Gov. Mike Stack can be compared to
a) Let’s put it this way — their photos appear in Webster’s Dictionary next to the word “estranged”
b) United Airlines and its passengers
c) Former female Fox News employees and Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly
d) A spouse who caught you cheating with his or her best friend
Select the best reason Hillary Clinton lost the election
a) She’s still married to Bill
b) Russian hacking, WikiLeaks, and former FBI Director James Comey
c) She called Trump voters”deplorables”
d) All of the above, but don’t dare blame Hillary
Mexico will pay for the border wall when
a) Hollywood stops making Star Wars movies
b) Donald Trump releases his tax returns
c) Taco Bell wins the James Beard Award for culinary artistry
d) Americans stop running down there to take advantage of the cheap peso
What is your opinion of Trump already running campaign ads on TV for re-election?
a) I prefer commercials for treating irritable bowel syndrome
b) What did you expect when the first 100 days in office went so well?
c) I don’t watch commercial TV. I prefer the gratuitous nudity on cable
d) I’m convinced. Where’s my nearest polling place?
Do you believe in climate change?
a) When did scientific facts become a choice?
b) Let’s see — climate change deniers have Brett Stephens and the fossil fuel industry on their side while we have Bill Nye, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and about 99 percent of the world’s scientists on our side. Who you going with?
c) What is this? A trick question to justify shutting down the coal industry?d) All I know is the Maple Tree in front of my house is trying to figure why it started sprouting leaves in February
Did members of the Trump Administration collude with the Russians during the campaign?
a) Nyet!
b) A couple of blintzes and a samovar of tea doesn’t buy you much influence in Russia anymore
c) To quote Sean Spicer: “Michael Flynn? Who’s that? Did he work here?”
d) Putin sang “Georgia on My Mind” to Trump, and the President merely admired his strong voice
The new Republican health care bill provides that
a) Pre-existing conditions are covered
b) Paul Ryan gets to define “pre-existing conditions”
c) Every American will have coverage
d) Paul Ryan gets to define what is meant by “coverage”
Did former President Barack Obama wiretap Trump’s phone?
a) It’s depends on what you mean by “wiretap”
b) Obama’s been too busy making speeches on Wall Street for $400,000 a pop
c) Obama says, “nyet.” No reason to tap Trump’s phone. All you have to do is read his tweets
Where is Melania?
a) A few steps behind Donald
b) As far from the White House that her secret service protection allows
c) Hiding from ICE agents?
d) Picking out her dress for the Inaugural Ball in 2020
There are no correct answers because there are no real facts in Trump’s America. Just the ones you want to believe in.
