Cardella: White Supremacists Have Problems. Too

White supremacists have come out of the closet. No longer do they wear white sheets when parading in public. Many of us believe it’s because they’ve been emboldened by the tweets of President Trump. There’s a more practical reason. Little known fact: In the past many injuries suffered by KKK members occurred because they tripped over their sheets. It must be difficult seeing through the eye holes, too. I dressed as Casper the Friendly Ghost one Halloween and nearly broke my neck going out the door because my eyes didn’t match up with the eye holes.

Besides, white sheets aren’t much of a fashion statement. How much can Michael Kors do with a white sheet? There was a time when the leader of the American Nazi party, George Lincoln Rockwell (he took his middle name from our greatest president and his surname from an American artist who was obsessed with freckle-faced kids), wore a full-blown Nazi uniform. Nazi uniforms fell out of style when American Nazis couldn’t get them dry cleaned. Who knew there were so many liberal dry-cleaning establishments? I heard rumors that one dry cleaner poured borscht on Nazi uniforms instead of dry cleaning it. And how do you get borscht stains out? Beats me.

It used to be that the Department of Justice took the “justice” part of its name very seriously. Under Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the DOJ mainly worries about whether you’re dark-skinned and illegal. Perhaps the two facts that fill most white supremacists with pride is that they are white and legally born here. Hence the lack of interest in them by the DOJ. It’s tough making the case that you’re superior based only on the accident of birth and color. Getting higher test scores would be a start.

One deranged white terrorist drove a Dodge Charger into a crowd of counter protesters and forced the White House to react. President Trump was very upset when he found out the murder car was manufactured in a plant outside the United States. We don’t give our president enough credit for his subtlety. Why do you think he began his statement about the violence in Charlottesville (I’m talking about his third attempt) with an economic message? In just a few short sentences, Trump took care of condoning racial violence and pushing his message to get auto makers to manufacture their damn cars here in America. Was Barack Obama ever that clever and concise?

The fake media made a big thing about the fact that it took awhile for the president to specifically condemn white supremacists. Just because Abraham Lincoln spoiled us for all time when he got the Gettysburg Address right in one take, do we have to hold every other president to the same standard? Trump has admitted that he is second behind Lincoln in being the most presidential president ever. Although if Lincoln had been forced to deal with CNN, it might have been a different story. Can you imagine Anderson Cooper second-guessing Lincoln on denying habeas corpus or for removing Gen. George B. McClellan? Just how would Honest Abe have liked Alec Baldwin doing an impression of him wearing a stovepipe hat? Trump is held to a different standard, my friends.

David Duke should stop complaining! Duke got hot and bothered because Trump finally condemned white supremacists. Wonder how Duke enjoyed being in obscurity when Obama was in the White House? Who is personally responsible for your big comeback, buddy? Before Trump came to office, Duke couldn’t get enough marchers together to create a traffic jam on Snyder Avenue. Just a few years ago, most white youths thought David Duke was a highly-rated prospect in the Phillies farm system. Now Trump’s in office, Duke’s never had it so good. His mug is all over cable TV. Who does Duke think made birtherism popular? What does he think candidate Trump meant when he said, “Let’s make America great again?” Hell, Duke didn’t even originate the idea about whites taking back our country. I think that was the late governor of Alabama, George Corley Wallace. If it wasn’t, it should’ve been.

I’m still trying to square the idea of white supremacy excluding our Jewish friends. I don’t know if that’s a nod to the neo-Nazis or if it’s something deeper. One problem that white supremacists have is recognizing Jews. I can attest to that fact. When I was a kid I was mistaken for Jewish and punched by around by some white kids. It could’ve been because I lived across from a Jewish deli or someone found out that I have a fondness for good Nova on a bagel. Who can figure? Another time, my wife and mother were mistaken for Jews in a Center City restaurant by some skinheads. I happened to be broadcasting from the restaurant at the time and the skinheads kept pelting my family with food. One of them called my wife, a “Jewish princess,” even though my wife insists that she still has to wash my underwear a couple of times a week. To my wife’s credit, she never denied being Jewish.

It isn’t easy being an anti-Semite when you can’t figure out who is a Semite. Hating the wrong people must be frustrating for white supremacists. Not as frustrating, though, as not having anything to feel superior about.