By Tom Cardella
For securing our border, I’ve got a better idea than building a wall. My idea is less expensive, ecologically superior and more practical. Build a moat. And catch this: We wouldn’t need to fill the moat with alligators. Just fill it with Sheriff Joe Arpaio in the moat after he’s missed a few meals. Even the sheriff’s critics agree that he’s very fierce, particularly if it comes to persecuting Mexicans.
I know what you’re thinking. Would the government of Mexico pay for the moat? I think President Trump, being the “strong” negotiator that he is, could swing a deal. Issue a formal apology to Mexico for Taco Bell. The moat could also act as a dump for establishment Republicans. Think of the TV ratings when Trump dropped Mitch McConnell from Air Force One … without a parachute.
I don’t want you to think that building a moat is the only solution to solving our illegal immigration problem (Wait! That isn’t a problem since illegal immigration has fallen off since Obama was president). My other alternative is a tad more expensive, but attractive in its simplicity. We could just reconquer Mexico and declare that country part of the U.S. No wall. No moat. Why? Because Mexicans crossing into America would be — by definition — legal citizens.This solution has the benefit of avenging our defeat at the Alamo (we could root out any statues of Santa Ana while we’re at it). Think of how the descendants of Jim Bowie would tear up.
As you undoubtedly realize by now, I’m not just a columnist, but a problem solver. Take North Korea for example. It is easy to solve the problem of North Korea. Just rename that country South Korea. In exchange, South Korea, a friendly country with a great barbeque, could be renamed North Korea. Presto! North Korea would no longer be a problem. True, low information voters (otherwise known as Trump supporters) might miss the switch, but eventually they’d find out at a Trump rally. One possible hitch: the new “South Korea” would become the problem. But don’t worry, I’ve got it covered.
Trump could solve a sensitive international problem with a master stroke. Award Kim Jong-un an NBA franchise. Kim would be thrilled when Trump throws LeBron James into the deal. But probably not thrilled enough to name Dennis Rodman coach of the new Pyongyang Missiles. Hire Tom McGinnis to do the play-by-play. McGinnis calls the team “the Young Uns.” The logo design could be a missile exploding on takeoff. Dear readers, Trump is a president who knows how to think outside the box.
With you I mourn the loss of life in Texas last week from Hurricane Harvey. I think maybe Secretary of Energy and former Governor of Texas Rick Perry may have overdone his celebrated rain dance. But I ask you, why name a hurricane “Harvey?” Isn’t it more appropriate if we name hurricanes after serial killers. Last week’s hurricane was not innocuous like most guys named Harvey. Hurricane Ted Bundy would have been a much better name for it.
I sympathize with protests directed at getting rogue cops to stop killing minorities without cause. But I found out that at least some of the protesters were kneeling while the National Anthem was being played because no singer can hit the high notes. I submit to you that Francis Scott Key was no Richard Rodgers. I’m not unpatriotic. Even the best singers turn into Rosie O’Donnell when trying to sing the Star Spangled Banner (is there a statue of Francis Scott Key that we can get rid of?).
Want to get rid of the pornography business? Porn has officially become a more popular pastime for men than golf. In the public interest, I have personally conducted extensive surveys to verify porn’s popularity. Here’s my idea: Knock the porn merchants out of business by legalizing and encouraging sex in public. That way, we’d get voyeurism out of our national system and we men could return to our pursuit of drinking beer and watching sports on TV.
Many southerners feel victimized ever since losing the Civil War. Feeling their pain has led me to one of my better suggestions, healing the fracture between North and South. Stop tearing down statues of southern heroes of the Confederacy. So, for the good of the country — and even though I’m a longtime supporter of the Union — I say that we Yankees should begin pretending that the Confederacy won the war. My stipulations are that slavery never return and that Republicans stop believing that widespread voter fraud by illegals was responsible for Clinton winning the popular vote in 2016. Most of us don’t care if Breitbart or Jeff Sessions declare that the South won the war so long as they don’t think the rest of us are going to accept less than equality for all. We can finally stop all the southern whining and together accept that Barack Obama was a helluva president who really was born in America. No more tearing down statues. And perhaps, more importantly, folks can respectfully name their kids Beauregard again.
Finally, I have figured out how to get Trump to accept transgenders in the military. I know this is unfair, my transgender friends, but bear with me. If transgenders will agree to wear the uniform of their assigned sex, all would be solved. Throw in a clothing allowance and latrine privileges.