Melania Trump is feuding with Ivana because …
a) She thought part of her marriage arrangement included shared custody of Donald. As Melania put it, “Why doesn’t she also have to spend time living in the White House with him?”
b) Would YOU want people to believe that you’re Donald Jr. and Eric’s birth mother?
c) Ivana never had to wear sneakers when she visited Puerto Rico.
d) Her feud is with Ivanka, not Ivana. Melania is demanding that Ivanka look in a mirror and repeat after her, “Melania is the First Lady, not me.”
President Trump believes that his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is the real moron because …
a) Tillerson took the job.
b) His (Trump’s) IQ is one point higher. “You DO get 20 additional points if you’re the President, right?”
c) “Wanna compare wives?”
d) Tillerson doesn’t even know who recorded “Rocket Man.”
Mayor Kenney has done the impossible …
a) He’s ticked off the Italian-Americans in South Philly who think he favors the Two-Streeters and immigrants.
b) He’s ticked off the Two-Streeters who think he favors immigrants and gays.
c) He’s ticked off immigrants who think he favors illegal immigrants over legal immigrants and gays.
d) He’s ticked off gays because why should they be excluded again?
A recent poll of Philadelphians on whether Columbus should be honored revealed the following comments …
a) South Philadelphia: What, they couldn’t make the statue in Marconi Plaza bigger?
b) Center City: Columbus is an insult to indigenous people everywhere. Let’s rename Columbus Boulevard, Delaware Avenue.
c) North Philadelphia: If he’s related to Frank Rizzo, I’m in favor of tearing it down. I’d even settle for a statue of Beyonce, if you want to know the truth.
d) Point Breeze area: If Ori Feibush is behind it, I’m against it.
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones recently declared …
a) If any of my players kneel during the National Anthem, he won’t play, unless he’s named Dak Prescott, Ezekiel Elliott, Dez Bryant or Jason Witten.
b) I’m against kneeling during the National Anthem because I can’t get back up.
c) I don’t even want my players kneeling during church services.
d) I don’t have a problem with abusers on my team. I don’t consider beating up women unpatriotic. I can’t say the same for kneeling during the National Anthem.
It is NOT true that President Trump made the following comment after viewing the painting by Leonardo da Vinci of The Last Supper …
a) Was here a prix fixe menu?
b) Did Jesus get a speaker’s fee?
c) I’ve hosted bigger dinners, believe me.
d) I would’ve never invited Judas. I don’t like losers.
A recent study showed the following link between health and marriage …
a) Married men have lower cholesterol than single men because their wives force them to eat kale.
b) Married women have a shorter life expectancy — at least the ones who are married to men. Lesbians in a committed relationship show signs of outliving everyone and having a helluva good time.
c) Being forced to dance with their wives on cruises helps keep married men in shape.
d) More than half of the married men who participated in the study say they don’t WANT to live longer.
A sampling of the reaction of Puerto Ricans to President Trump’s post-hurricane visit to their island indicates that fewer than 1 percent of them …
a) Smiled because Trump’s tossing paper towels to them reminded them of the Phillie Phanatic shooting hot dogs into the stands at Citizens Bank Park.
b) Thought that it just a coincidence Trump visited the only part of the island with clean drinking water and power.
c) Believed Trump when he claimed that Steph Curry showed him how to shoot 3’s with paper towels.
d) Felt it would’ve been unpatriotic if they shot paper towels at Trump.
City Controller Alan Butkovitz’s fierce opposition to the Kenney Administration’s soda tax …
a) Has nothing whatsoever to do with the campaign donations that Butkovitz received from the soda industry (fingers crossed behind his back).
b) Stems from his long-held belief that government shouldn’t deprive poor people of the same right as the middle class … to raise fat kids.
c) Never said “fat” kids. He swears he said, “overweight kids.” Fake news. Fake news.
d) Believes that the mayor secretly keeps a bottle of Coke in his desk drawer.
Tom Wolf and the Pennsylvania legislature will balance the state budget …
a) When the cows come home. And right now, even they don’t want to live in Pennsylvania.
b) When the lion lays down with the lamb (or the Palestinians and Israelis do the same — if you prefer a more current example).
c) Am I really getting nostalgic for Tom Corbett?
d) Budget? What budget?
Donna Karan recently seemed to defend sexual harasser Harvey Weinstein, because …
a) She doesn’t get that women can dress “sexy” and not expect to have Harvey Weinstein wave his private parts at them.
b) She is just upset that most women aren’t wearing Donna Karan.
c) She was just trying to be fair and balanced like Fox News (which she denies ever watching).
d) Isn’t Donna Karan the woman who is getting ready to oppose 84-year-old Sen. Dianne Feinstein for re-election?
A teacher recently told me that he placed his own birthdate, Jan. 23, 1956, on a blackboard and asked the significance of that date and received the following replies from his students …
a) The date President Kennedy was assassinated.
b) The end of World War II.
c) The release date of Meek Mill’s first album.
d) 9/11 (Oh, is that an actual date?).
Information in this column was not confirmed by Snopes.