Cardella: Me and Stephen Hawking

By Tom Cardella

Stephen Hawking is a famous physicist who is known for, among other things, his book “A Brief History in Time.” I have not completely read and digested Mr. Hawking’s book (I’m still trying to find the CliffsNotes version). But I understand that in his book, Hawking theorizes about black holes and the big bang.

As a Philadelphia sports fan, I’m very interested in learning more about the location of black holes because the Phillies, Flyers, and Sixers keep falling into them. Perhaps if Hawking can enlighten us on their location, we could program a GPS to help our sports teams avoid that dreaded fate. If that’s not possible, perhaps Hawking can assist us in figuring out a way for them to climb back out of the holes before decades slip by.

Regarding Hawking’s theory about the big bang, other than producing the title of a hit TV show, exactly how does it help mankind? Is it really possible for us to figure out how to avoid the next big bang when we couldn’t even avoid electing Donald Trump?

Newsweek has recently published Hawking’s annual predictions for the future of mankind. One of my frequent critics is already penning a letter to me telling me that I’m no Hawking and I should restrict my subject matter to restaurants on East Passyunk Avenue. Incidentally, did you know that “Moyamensing” in the language of the Lenape Indians means “pigeon excrement?” And you wondered why you should be careful when strolling along Moyamensing Avenue — pronounced “Mo-Mensing” by South Philadelphians. This comment has no relevance to this column, but it does have the advantage of having a local angle.

Hawking recently made six major predictions on the future of mankind. Here’s Hawking’s predictions and how they will impact you:

Hawking prediction №1: Human life has only 100 years remaining on planet Earth.

That means that at most the Eagles will go 157 years between NFL Championships … It also means that most of the Sixers players will be off the injury list by then … Please tell me that Dave Hakstol won’t still be coaching the Flyers … There are only 100 years — max — left for South Philadelphians to argue over parking spots … Whom do I see about my lifetime guarantee on my basement humidifier? … I guess my buddy Merrill Reese will have to retire after all.

Hawking prediction №2: Humans will have to colonize another planet.

There should be a limit on the number of planets that human beings can @#%& up … Ah, that age-old decision, should I hire movers or rent a U-Haul and impose on family members?…I want the first pizza franchise … Will my free senior SEPTA pass still be recognized? … My neighbors want to know, what IS the parking situation on Pluto? … If we have to move, I’m for leaving Trump and his two sons behind and only taking Melania and Ivanka … On the new planet, will every place near me with a grass lawn still be named Packer Park?

Hawking prediction №3: Earth will become as hot as Venus.

Hawking’s reference seems a bit outdated here. How about as hot as “Beyonce?” And what’s more, she has arms. It is difficult to see an advantage to such a significant temperature change. If the Earth’s temperature becomes this hot, then there will be no ice on the pavements in winter. And maybe, just maybe, QVC will stop selling those silly ice cleats for shoes and allow my sister-in-law to get her money back … Gabe Kapler, the new Phillies manager and bizarre health nut, won’t be the only one by then with tanned testicles.

Hawking prediction №4: By 2600 we will not be able to keep up with population growth.

But wait! I thought we weren’t going to BE here in 500 years! (see №1.) This means we have about 500 years or so for some folks to find out about birth control before it is too late … Don’t you think “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28) is being taken a little too literally? … I guess this means the rhythm system really doesn’t work? … Note to Republicans: Don’t worry! At the rate you’re proposing to kill our medical plans and cut our pensions, population growth will flatline in the next eight years.

Hawking prediction №5: Artificial Intelligence (AI) will replace humans.

It won’t be long before Alexa and Siri will be giving YOU orders … My wife says the downfall of the human race began when someone invented the TV remote … Weight loss doctors will finally be put out of business … Does this mean that my anatomically correct inflatable female doll is going to start saying, “Not tonight, dear?”… If this is the price to replace Trump as president, I’ll pay it.

Hawking prediction №6: Trump will push Earth over the brink.

Lest you think this last prediction is my own, be apprised that Hawking is no Trump fan. Hawking became disenchanted with Trump when the president led the U.S. out of the Paris Agreement. I thought the Paris Agreement was a dine-around recommended by Trip3 CardellaAdvisor … Flash for Hawking: Trump has ALREADY pushed Earthlings over the brink. Note — the brink is defined as that territory located outside South Philadelphia’s 26th ward. I became disenchanted with Trump a lot sooner than Hawking … The truth is that I purchased one of Trump’s long red ties during the 2016 campaign. Tripped over it running down the steps of the subway. (Embarrassing: Wish I’d been wearing more than a red tie at the time.)