By Tom Cardella
I am a man of limited experience with women. To illustrate my woeful lack of experience: My wife received her DNA results from ancestry.com. Turns out that though she is predominantly of Southern Italian extraction, she is also 14 percent middle eastern. The countries being Iraq, Iran, Syria and Yemen (please don’t tell President Trump or he might place her on a terror watch list). I begged her to let me claim that I’ve slept with five women instead of only one, and out of pity I suppose, she agreed. So, who am I to hand out dating tips in 2018? That is a reasonable question, dear readers, but since it is Valentine’s Day, I felt as if I ought to write a topical column. You may take this entire column with a grain of sea salt. Kosher. Coarsely ground. I consider myself a neutral observer in the battle of the sexes. A sort of diplomat without striped pants.
1) (For males) Do not reveal your private parts on the first date. In fact, you are better off if you never reveal your private parts to the opposite sex. No woman will swoon at the sight of your package (that’s why they call it “junk”). Females have to love us to tolerate the sight of our nakedness. My 53-year-old marriage has endured, partly because I go to bed fully clothed with the lights out and the shades drawn. Sometimes I even don formal wear.
2) (For males) This tip is related to №1. Wearing a robe has become a no-no. Thank Harvey Weinstein for that. Never open your robe in front of a female, not even accidentally. If you must, super glue it shut. I recommend you burn every robe in your closet, even the white terry-cloth robe with the polo pony on it. Get this through your thick skull, man, only Bradley Cooper is an exception to this rule.
3) (For males) This tip is also connected to №1. Never ask a female to join you in the shower. Sounds sexy; is dumb. I once tried it with my wife and all I got for my trouble were suds in my eyes, and much later, a burnt meatloaf (no double-entendre intended). Women like to shower alone (see Bradley Cooper exception).
4) (For males) Again, refer back to №1. Women do not want to watch porn movies with you. You may think that Flora Does Fishtown is hot. She thinks it’s disgusting and perverted, though she has nothing against Fishtown. If you must watch porn, watch it alone. Hide the Stormy Daniels pics in your computer file titled Family Reunion Photos. Porn is not romantic or erotic to women. They think watching a Cary Grant movie on TCM is hot.
5) (For females) Don’t expect your man to be happy with just “cuddling” (unless you’re married for 53 years (“cuddling” is my idea of wild sex). Note: If your man is under 70 and is happy cuddling, he is not playing on your team. You’re wasting your time. You want to cuddle, buy yourself a stuffed toy.
6) (For females) If a casual male acquaintance wants to take you to a high-priced French restaurant, he is expecting a payoff. Unless he looks like Bradley Cooper either dump him (the honest approach) or after the meal, excuse yourself to go “powder your nose.” Skip out the side door (the approach I would take if I were a female. I would wait until I finished my crème brulee before I left, though). You’re likely better educated than this dolt. You can buy your own meals at high-priced French restaurants. Bye-bye, Romeo.
7) (For females) If he insists that you wear an Eagles jersey to bed, dump him. He will become more interested in Carson Wentz than he is in you as soon as Wentz’s injury heals. Soon, you’ll be waiting for him to be romantic while he’s snoring on the couch with a Bud Light in his hand. In fact, just drop him if he drinks Bud Light. Even if he looks like Bradley Cooper.
8) (For males) Don’t be fooled if she seems to be a fanatical football fan while you’re dating. Women are great at faking an interest in football while dating. Chances are she’s also faking you-know-what. After marriage, she’ll forget how many points a touchdown is worth. And you’ll be watching QVC on your 60-inch TV.
9) (For males) Don’t ever pressure your date to have sex. You could wind up like Aziz Ansari (and I don’t mean you’re destined to become the star on “Master of None”). Don’t look for subtle hints that she wants you. Chances are that recognizing subtlety is not your forte. “No” doesn’t mean “yes.” Not in any language. When she asks you if you want to watch football, you don’t reply “no” when you mean “yes,” do you?
10) (For females) Bulletin: No, he doesn’t want to be your friend. Studies show that men on average, think of sex every seven seconds. Friendship with the opposite sex is not part of the other six seconds. Unless he’s a big fan of the Bravo channel.
Some things never change. Females still tend to like flowers. The way to a man’s heart is still mainly through his stomach (which nowadays probably means a pre-cooked meal from Dad’s Stuffing).
Respect for her avoids hurt feelings and these days, lawsuits, or maybe even worse, public shaming. Just ask Matt Lauer.