Cardella: ‘I Love a Parade’

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By Tom Cardella

I am humming the tune “I Love a Parade” as I write this column. No, silly, not the city’s victory parade for the Eagles that occurred almost two weeks ago. Although it was magical. I’m talking the big military parade that’s coming up at the behest of our commander-in- chief.

Yep, President Trump has ordered the Pentagon to stage an enormous parade. And, of course, I’ve got some inside information on the spectacle. You and the other Trump-haters may laugh, but this will be a parade with a purpose. The president intends to show North Korea’s Premier Kim Jong Il that not only is his button bigger than Kim’s, but so is his missile. Trump could’ve saved American taxpayers millions of dollars by dropping his parade plans and just showing Kim the size of his hands. But wait, my inside scoop…

While saluting the troops, Trump plans to flash proof of his five military deferments. The Trump family crest consists of two bone spurs crossed with yellow stripes and in the left-hand corner, the president’s lucky symbol “4F…”

By the way, is our government open or shutdown today? The politicians in Washington have threatened a shutdown more often than the Board of Health dealing with a deli owner

on notice with mouse droppings violations. … I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of seeing the steakhouse prices for Japanese Kobe beef. I like the fact that it’s tender. I’d be tender too if they massaged me every day, fed me five meals a day, sent me on a cruise to Tahiti, and had Mandy Moore tuck me in at night. In fact, for what it costs to eat Kobe beef, you could probably get

Mandy to at least sing you a lullaby. … I don’t know Meek Mill. I only got halfway

through listening to one of his rap songs before I switched to Sinatra. But the judge sentencing him to prison for minor violations of his parole ought to quit the court and become the new host of “Judge Judy.” Yeah, I know he got involved in a minor scuffle with a fan and he exceeded the speed limit on another occasion. Dear strict law and order advocate: You ever lie about the charitable deductions on your taxes or gotten a gotten a “handicapped” parking sticker under false pre- tenses? I thought so. Meek gets two years in jail? A good thing he didn’t intentionally tilt the pinball machine he was playing or who knows what the judge would’ve slapped him with. But make no mistake about it. My argument isn’t about treating a wealthy rap artist unfairly. This is about the unknown folks languishing in jail. The folks who are not a threat to you or me. This is about the un- fair parole system that plays “gotcha” with their lives instead of focusing on keeping them OUT of prison. Why should you care about Mill? Because if the system can get away with putting a guy with fame and power behind bars, just think of how many powerless people this joke of a parole system victimizes. And you — it’s costing you tax dollars. …

I just asked Alexa if we can have sex tonight and she answered, “I’ve got a headache. …”

I know I should be cowering under my bed hid- ing from MS-13, but what the hell does that gang have to do with granting Dreamers safe haven in this country and a path to citizenship? In order to qualify for DACA protection, you can’t be a member of a gang. Dreamers are not members of MS-13, no matter how hard the White House tries to intentionally mix up the two groups. And before White House Chief of Staff John Kelly suggested that some of the otherwise qualified people who’ve not registered for the program are “lazy asses,” he should’ve checked his boss in the Oval Office who doesn’t show up for work until 11 a.m. and spends most of his weekends playing golf with his buddies…

My urologist just told me that I don’t need to get PSA tests anymore. Apparently, I’m so old that even if I got prostate cancer, I’d die from some- thing else before it killed me. Does this qualify as good news? …

The 40-year-old Ashton Kutcher is giving out parenting tips. Kutcher offers insightful advice, according to the Huffington Post. For instance, on how he feels about newborn babies not being able to do much, Kutcher says, “but they’re incredibly cute.” Makes you nostalgic for Dr. Spock, doesn’t he?…

Problem for logics class: President Donald Trump is a former businessman. Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf is a former businessman. Trump is struggling as President. Wolf is struggling as Governor of Pennsylvania. Answer (multiple choice): a) Good businessmen always make government work b) not all businessmen in politics are Republicans c) Most members of Congress have legal backgrounds. They’re also struggling. d) Community activist, anyone?…

Problem №2 for Logics class: Special Prosecutor Bob Mueller is conspiring to take down Trump. So did former FBI Director James Comey. So did former FBI Deputy Director Andrew Mc- Cabe. So is the current FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein. You can’t trust former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn. All of these men were appointed by Republicans. Some of them by Trump. Note to Republicans: Maybe Nancy Pelosi isn’t your biggest problem. True or False?