By Tom Cardella
One of the following things did NOT happen in Florida …
a) A man shook his penis in a circular motion at oncoming traffic.
b) A man threatened to blow up a strip club because he was barred from bringing his beer inside.
c) Gov. Rick Scott, went against the NRA and signed a bill raising the age requirement to buy an assault weapon from 18 to 21.
d) Sen. Marco Rubio got a pair of lifts for his shoes so Trump can’t keep calling him “Little Marco.”
President Trump recently visited San Diego to …
a) Find out why the San Diego Padres always wear terrible looking uniforms.
b) Look at prototypes for his border wall.
c) Complain about how high the tax bill is for his hotel.
d) Pose for a photo op with a San Diego TV weatherman who claims that climate change does not exist because the weather never changes in San Diego.
While visiting San Diego, President Trump said this about Mexicans …
a) Better not drink their water.
b) Why can’t they be more like Canadians?
c) They’re fantastic mountain climbers.
d) If he’d been at the Alamo, Texas would’ve beaten them.
The current ethics code for legislators in the state of Pennsylvania –
a) Wait! What’s an ethics code?
b) Prohibits legislators from accepting any gift that cannot fit into a large U-HAUL IT.
c) Makes exceptions to the above prohibition for paid vacations at high-priced resorts and for boating trips, because recipients generally don’t try to fit them into a U-HAUL IT.
d) The governor of Pennsylvania and the legislature in Harrisburg to pretend during every election year that they’ll actually reform it.
Hillary Clinton recently blamed her 2016 election defeat on the following:
a) Racists and sexists.
b) The alignment of the stars.
c) Her forgetting to send Vladimir Putin a birthday card.
d) The country not being able to envision Bill Clinton relegated to planting a vegetable garden.
Meek Mill was sentenced to serve two to four years in prison for parole violations that included …
a) Doing pop-a-wheelies on his dirt bike.
b) Performing at concerts outside Philadelphia and Montgomery County where the judge couldn’t buy tickets.
c) Distributing clothing to the homeless when he should’ve been on the food line dishing out beef stew.
d) All of the above. (The Rev. Al Sharpton has said that Lady Justice doesn’t always wear her blindfold, proving that even the reverend is occasionally right).
Philadelphians will miss Congressman Bob Brady when he retires because …
a) Who you going to call the next time there’s a labor disagreement? Ghostbusters?
b) He never pretended to be Daniel Webster.
c) His physique screams,” Philadelphia cheesesteak wit’!”
d) All of the above.
The election results in the recent special election in the 18th District in Pennsylvania prove that …
a) Trump’s coattails are not long enough to carry a bad candidate.
b) Trump doesn’t wear coattails.
c) Rick Saccone does a lousy impression of Trump.
d) No, Connor Lamb is NOT a sham.
Some Republicans called out the students from Parkland High School marching for reform of gun laws as …
b) Members of “the deep state.”
c) Disrespectful kids who don’t trust their own President and Congress.
d) Being neglectful for not wearing their bulletproof vests to school the day of the shooting.
Secretary of HUD Ben Carson was recently criticized for …
a) Not being able to figure out what HUD stood for.
b) Saying, “Hey, running a federal agency isn’t brain surgery.
c) Wanting to locate all Section 8 housing in Beverly Hills.
d) Purchasing a $31,000 dining room set and billing taxpayers for it.
The Eagles Jason Kelce was last seen …
a) Appearing on tour doing soliloquies from plays by William Shakespeare.
b) Playing a saxophone with a string band.
c) In the locker rooms of our other three major sports teams trying to motivate them to win a championship.
d) Lecturing university students in how to transform their bitching into action.
The thing we remember most about former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is –
a) Rex? Who names their son “Rex” anymore?
b) He called the President a “moron” even before I did.
c) How good could his judgment have been if he stepped down from running Exxon/Mobil to go to work for Trump?
d) He looks more like a president than the President.
Columnist’s note: Looking for the answers? Uh-uh. If you can’t figure out the correct answers to these questions, then I’m not going to give them to you.