By Tom Cardella
HARRY AND MEGHAN ALREADY QUARRELING — She winds up in tears as Harry refuses to drink her tea. “The damn woman uses tea bags!” Meghan promises to buy loose tea next time. The Queen reportedly warned Harry about marrying an American. “I told him. Marry that woman and you’ll be drinking WAWA’s coffee in the morning the rest of your life.”
KIM CALLS OFF SUMMIT — The off-again-on-again summit between Trump and Kim is apparently off again. High-level officials in both countries believe that Kim agreed to meet with Trump only so he could be the one to call off the meeting. Trump claims he called it off first. A summit may still be held if the two leaders can agree on which one called off the last two attempts to meet.
CITY FINDS MISSING MILLIONS — Why was the City of Philadelphia reportedly unable to account for millions of missing dollars? Turns out it was merely a bookkeeping error. City Hall clerk Grace Massie admitted she inadvertently left a zero off an entry in the 2018 budget report. Massie claims she got a phone call from a former boyfriend and failed to add that all-important zero. “He’s taking me to PALM Saturday night,” she said excitedly, “and I got distracted.” Mayor Kenney added that there will be no disciplinary action, much to the annoyance of Councilman Allan Domb. “I spent a million dollars looking for the lost money and she gets to go to Palm?” he griped publicly.
FACEBOOK BANS CASSEROLE RECIPES — CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced today that FACEBOOK will no longer accept recipes for casseroles. “It’s not so much that we hate casseroles,” said Zuckerberg in a prepared statement, “but that we found they were planted by KRAFT FOODS. “We contacted a woman by the name of Marie Reilly who supposedly had tried to post 6,000 recipes using KRAFT cheese. She denied she ever sent them,” Zuckerberg added. This reporter contacted Reilly who said, “I wouldn’t use that crap if they paid me.” She was obviously annoyed at her name being falsely associated with the FACEBOOK entries. A KRAFT spokesperson admitted that the company placed the false endorsements in an effort to boost sales. KRAFT’s grated parmesan cheese retails for about $44 per ounce in your local supermarket.
WILDWOOD POLICE AGAIN UNDER FIRE — Wildwood police are again making news for an alleged incident on the beach at Schellinger Avenue. A video has gone viral showing two policemen applying a choke hold on an ice cream vendor. The police claim that the vendor called their officer a name (rhymes with crass mole) and intentionally let a FUDGESICLE melt on his spit-shined shoes. Both the Wildwood Mayor and Police Chief claim that once the public sees the entire video — and not just the graphic sight of the chokehold being applied, it will realize the police response was appropriate.
NEW TRUMP CONTROVERSY OVER REMARKS AT THE TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER — Outrage has been expressed by the usual nitpicking critics of the President after he claimed in a speech that the unknown soldier would be “very happy with America today.” Trump cited low unemployment figures under his Administration, saying that “The unknown soldier if he were alive today, would very likely be employed, even if he were black or Hispanic.” The President added that the Obama Administration was responsible for the unknown soldier not being known in the first place.
AIRLINES ANNOUNCE INSTALLATION OF MORE COMFORTABLE SEATS — The nation’s airlines are installing new wider seats to fit the added bulk of first-class passengers. Americans, on the whole, have added two inches in the circumference of their bottoms in the last year alone, according to an airlines spokesperson. She admitted that the changes will mean that some coach passengers will have to sit on the wings of planes and hold on tightly.
PHILLIES MANAGER OPTIMISTIC DESPITE HOSKINS SLUMP — Gabe Kapler finds reasons for hope in Rhys Hoskins’ continued slump. Hoskins has gone 1 for 35 and recently fractured his jaw while striking out. The outfielder is also battling a severe case of prickly heat in an unspecified area of his body. However, Kapler claims that he saw improvement in Hoskins approach at the plate before he got injured, adding, “Rhys is no longer praying to St. Anthony to find his lost swing.” Kapler will continue to hit Hoskins in the second spot when he returns and has recommended coconut oil for the outfielder’s prickly heat. Reporters covering the Phillies manager claim that his optimism never wavers. One reporter says that Kapler privately told him that there were some positives to be found in the sinking of the Titanic.
BOYCOTTS REACH NEW HIGH — According to a recent Pew survey, boycotts of various companies and their products have reached an all-time high in America. Outrage on both the Left and Right of the political spectrum has fueled the rise of boycotts, according to the survey. Sometimes there are so many concurrent boycotts that the boycotters get confused. Some Trump supporters questioned whether they should boycott NFL games where players DON’T kneel or merely root against those players’ teams. There is also confusion on the Right whether a proposed boycott of NETFLIX should involve only Obama-produced shows or the entire company. “I like GRACE AND FRANKIE, but I close my eyes when Jane Fonda is on the screen. Is that okay?”
