Cardella: Summer and Other Stuff

By Tom Cardella

I’m happy that Melania is against cyberbullying. But Melania giving a speech against cyberbullying is like my wife touting the joys of marrying a husband who’s handy around the house. Me: “Honey, can we find someone in the phone book who can change the light bulb in our kitchen?”

I’m really looking forward to the Miss America Pageant this year. I understand it’s going to feature a mud wrestling contest between Cara Mund, the current Miss America, and Pageant CEO Gretchen Carlson. But if judging Miss America contestants in bathing suits is considered sexist, I’m guessing mud wrestling is out. Maybe they ought to have a Miss America Inner Beauty contest? For four hours, all the contestants could sit behind a darkened screen and discuss their contributions to society for four hours. Televise it on C-Span.

I’m here to defend Rudy Giuliani. A lot of folks are hopping on Rudy because of his statement that “Truth isn’t truth.” Personally, I thought he was quoting the new slogan for FOX NEWS. Apparently, Giuliani became confused during an interview with Chuck Todd on MEET THE PRESS because he had been reading poetry by Keats the night before. It’s not widely known — because CNN doesn’t bother to report it — that poetry reading is very big in the Trump White House. The President himself prefers Dr. Seuss. His budget director, Mick Mulvaney, loves HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS. Mulvaney roots for the Grinch. Anyway, Giuliani was trying to channel Keats during the interview when discussing the meaning of truth with Todd — “Beauty is truth. Truth beauty.” Instead of quoting Keats, Rudy became confused and quoted Kellyanne Conway. By the way, the politically correct version of Keats has just been issued. The quote now reads “Inner beauty is truth. Truth is inner beauty.”

I think we’re all devastated from learning about the Catholic Church child sex abuse scandal in Pennsylvania. The Pope issued a 2,000-word apology that was translated into seven languages. If Andy Reid were Pope, he would’ve used 1,994 fewer words. “I gotta do a better job.” We now need another speech of at least 2,000 words from the Pontiff telling us what he’s going to do about it.

If I were running the Democratic Party, I would not allow New York Governor Andrew Cuomo to make another public speech until after the midterm elections. Proving that all the dummies are not on the Right, Democrat Cuomo recently told an audience that “America was never that great.” Andrew, I remember some of your daddy’s speeches. Your father, Mario Cuomo, would’ve never agreed with you. You are no Mario Cuomo. You’re a lunkhead that ought to take another course in American history. And this time read de Tocqueville and take notes.

The P-word. Republicans love scaring us with the P-word (No silly, not the one Donald Trump used on the TMZ tape). I’m talking “Pelosi.” Nancy Pelosi. Republicans believe that we should all be hiding under beds because we’re frightened of Nancy Pelosi. Some Democrats seeking re-election are afraid to utter her name. If a conservative knocks on your door begging for candy on Halloween, s/he might be wearing a Pelosi mask (with nice earrings). What is it exactly that Pelosi’s done to us besides becoming the first female to become Speaker of the House and looking a helluva lot better than most of us at her age? Horrors! She helped INCREASE the minimum wage. Witch! Despicable! Got a new GI bill passed with better benefits for service folks. Medusa! Investigate her e-mail server! Lock her up!

The President is correctly worried about a breach by officials who lie and profit from their office. That’s why he’s announcing today that he’s revoking HIS own security clearance.

I hope you’ll join me in my crusade to pass a new amendment to our Constitution. The right NOT to be offended. In the future, no American should ever suffer the humiliation of being offended. Not while you’re living in this great land of ours. The word “dog” will be banned. Everyone will have to greet you with “Merry Christmas” and not only during the holidays, but 365 days a year. College students should never have to attend a lecture by someone who has the gall to say things with which they disagree. No one should ever have to pass by a statue depicting a figure they deem inappropriate. Can I have an “amen?”

Will the TV news folks stop telling us that summer is almost over? Please! Yes, summer is a relatively short season, but not as short as we ourselves make it. Labor Day does NOT mark the end of summer. Summer is not over until the 22nd of September. I don’t care when your kid goes to school, his or her start date does not end my summer. If you’re a clothing store and you choose to place fall clothes in your store window the day after July 4th, that’s your problem, not mine. Drink pumpkin spiced coffee at DUNKIN’ DONUTS or STARBUCKS instead of lemonade if you like. It’s still not the end of summer. I’ll wear my white slacks as long as I wish, the hell with your Labor Day fashion deadline. Start the football season before the leaves turn, if you desire. Close down the boardwalk. Stop reading beach books.

That’s your problem. It’s STILL summer!