Cardella: At Little Big Horn

By Tom Cardella

We asked leading public figures of today to comment on the defeat of George Armstrong Custer by Sitting Bull and his warriors at Little Big Horn.

Phillies Manager GABE KAPLER –

I saw some positives today. The 7th Calvary showed some improvement in their patient approach. I liked that the launch angle of my guys’ repeating rifles profiled well.

Sometimes you have to tip your Calvary hat to the other guy. Sitting Bull did a great job out there today.

I like the way we never gave up … right to the last casualty.

No, I don’t see that coconut oil would’ve made a difference out there today.

President DONALD J. TRUMP –

I personally saw millions of Indians dancing around their tepees at news of the massacre. Why was it Obama failed to deport these people back to their own country where they belong?

Fake news! What the cable news people didn’t show you was how many dead Indians were found after that battle. Some people say it was the largest number of enemy casualties ever found in the history of the world.

If I had been President during that time, there wouldn’t have been a massacre at Little Big Horn. I would’ve given Sitting Bull a couple of casinos. Why did Grant (editor’s note: American president at the time –Ulysses S. Grant) not do the deal before all those people got killed?

You know, I think, Mueller ought to be investigating Custer, not me. Folks, I call him General Bluster or Frozen Custer. All talk, no action. Although I liked the yellow hair thing he had going.

Senator DIANE FEINSTEIN –

It is not true that either I or my staff leaked Custer’s battle plan to the Native-Americans.

Senator ELIZABETH WARREN –

As you know, I am part Native-American…

Judge BRETT KAVANAUGH –

I like beer. No, it does not have anything to do with what happened at Little Big Horn. Except, some Democrats have made it seem as if because President Grant liked a drink or two, he might’ve caused that disaster. The man liked beer. Do you like beer?

Governor TOM WOLFE of Pennsylvania –

I was busy running my own company at the time and donating my salary to a local reservation.

Singer TAYLOR SWIFT –

I had a bad breakup with one of Sitting Bull’s sons, but at least I got a number one single out of it — BYE-BYE, BULL BOY.

Mayor JIM KENNEY –

You’re not telling me that we have a freakin’ statue of Custer that has to be moved, are you?

Councilperson HELEN GYM –

Custer got a lousy high school education before he tried to get into West Point. We’ve got some great public schools in Philadelphia. If he had gone to public school here, would the outcome have been different at Little Big Horn? I’m just sayin.’

Former Democratic candidate for President HILLARY CLINTON –

I know what’s it like to lose a tough battle…

PHILADLEPHIA DAILY NEWS EDITORIAL –

Custer treated the Indians badly. He got what he deserved.

BREITBART NEWS SERVICE –

A deep state conspiracy led to the death of General George Armstrong Custer at Little Big Horn.

FOX AND FRIENDS –

Enemies of our great President Donald Trump are trying to tie him to Custer’s defeat at Little Big Horn.

FOX Host SEAN HANNITY –

Tonight, we have with us President Donald Trump to explain how he had warned General Custer to avoid Little Big Horn. By the way, folks, Democrats don’t want you to know that President Trump also warned Julius Caesar to call in sick on the Ides of March.

MSNBC Host Rachel Maddow –

I’ve learned today through an anonymous tip that General Custer was the victim of a right-wing cabal because of his reported hostility led to his death at Little Big Horn. Custer was the victim of a rightwing cabal because of his reported hostility to the Military-Industrial complex. I’ll bring on a guest who agrees with me, right after this…

Attorney MICHAEL AVENATTI –

My client, George Armstrong Custer VIII, has informed me that she intends to sue the Trump Administration for back wages owed to Custer. I will be appearing on every cable news network for the next year talking about this travesty.

Senator BERNIE SANDERS –

It was well-known that the uprising at Little Big Horn was fueled by the robber barons who ran America in 1876.

Chairman and Chief Executive Officer BRIAN ROBERTS of COMCAST –

I forget. Which Dakota did that happen in? We own one of them, don’t we?

Senator LINDSEY GRAHAM –

I don’t know what the hell happened there. But I’m angry anyway. You folks around the Beltway may have forgotten a hero like Custer, but in South Carolina we never forget anything that is an excuse to keep a chip on our shoulder.

TEXAS BOARD OF EDUCATION –

We don’t recognize Little Big Horn in Texas. Somebody said the Clintons were behind Custer’s defeat, so we took it out of our history books.

CNN Contributor COREY LEWANDOWSKI –

Custer got womped. Womp! Womp!

Conservative author ANN COULTER –

I just wrote a new book LIBERAL TREASON AT LITTLE BIG HORN.

American investigative journalist and author BOB WOODWARD –

I just wrote a book about Little Big Horn called SCALPED. In the book, I describe Custer as an incompetent yellow-haired narcissist who led his unit to ruin. Remind you of anyone?

South Philly Review Columnist TOM CARDELLA –

Note to my readers: Uncle Nunzi says that at his senior center they think Custer is something sold by Kohr Brothers on the boardwalk in Wildwood.

(You can view or listen to Tom Cardella on Monday Night Kickoff at 6PM streaming on wbcb1490.com, Facebook, or broadcast on 610 AM or follow Tom on Facebook).