Cardella: At Your Super Bowl Party

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Photo by Tom Beck

By Tom Cardella

The atmosphere at your annual Super Bowl party will return to normal on Sunday. Remember all the way back to last year, when the unlikely appearance of our Philadelphia Eagles in the big game made the day MORE Super Bowl and LESS party? Guests wanted to actually watch the game. Much of the discussion on that day centered around whether the play of Nick Foles had religious implications. An atheist in Philadelphia is a person who believes that Foles had some great moments, but is still susceptible to a blitz. My January 23rd column about Nick Foles’ “magic” (A STORY ABOUT MAGIC) has been dissed and dismissed by both leading atheists and by authors Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris as cheap theology — and football theology at that. But this Sunday, the Eagles are back to what they usually do in the offseason on Super Sunday, checking out their putters. And you can go back to being concerned about whether you have enough beer to get through your party.

Here are things you’ll likely hear in conversation during this year’s Super Bowl party:

Is he actually watching the game?

Have you tried this new wine-flavored salami made by Tibetan monks? I got it at Di Bruno’s.

I like your new refrigerator. Especially this spout that serves Chardonnay instead of water. Is it from the Napa Valley? The refrig, I mean.

I already lost my bet on how long it would take Gladys Knight to sing the national anthem. No, I don’t think she’s with the Pips anymore.

Why do I care who wins a game between the Rams and the Patriots? I don’t. I have the overs. He’s settling for a field goal again?

I know, you hate Tom Brady.

Does she still have a crush on Tom Brady? He’s 41 years old, you know.

Brady. Yeah, I’m jealous. He’s still great in the red zone. And he’s got this gorgeous wife. Pass the pepperoni. The one made by monks.

I thought monks made jelly.

When do the monks find time to make pepperoni and jelly?

We’ll never know. They take a vow of silence.

Not a bad idea, if you can take the hint.

No. I think monks take a vow of poverty.

Well, what do they do with all the money they make from selling jelly and pepperoni?

Don’t forget the profits from their best-selling album of chants.

I love their chants.

How can you keep a vow of silence and still chant?

I guess chanting doesn’t count.

Hey, I think somebody scored a touchdown. Was it the guys with cute helmets with the horns on them?

Hey, baby I’m horny like a ram!

Mike’s had too much to drink again.

I don’t know how she puts up with him.

Tony Romo has correctly called every play for both teams while they were still in the huddle.

If Romo knows the plays, why doesn’t the defensive coordinator on the other team?

I heard the NFL gives Romo a script with all the plays before the game just to make him look good.

Where’d ya hear that?

Some guy on my wife’s Facebook page.

Must be true, then.

I can’t stand Romo’s voice. It’s like the sound of fingernails scratching on a blackboard.

I heard he’s got polyps as big as footballs on his vocal chords.

Where’d ya hear that?

Same guy on my wife’s Facebook page.

Jay Glaser is on your wife’s Facebook page?

Romo talks over Jim Nantz.

I heard Nantz and Romo hate one another.

Where’d ya hear that? On your wife’s Facebook page?

How’d you know?

So, you’re telling me you had to redesign the entire kitchen because you couldn’t get a counter depth refrigerator that fit?

Did ya try AJ APPLIANCE?

There — did you hear that tone in Nantz’s voice? I’m telling you, he hates Romo.

Another frickin’ field goal? I need touchdowns. I think the game is fixed.

I hear all the big games are fixed.

Eat some more pepperoni and stop reading your wife’s Facebook page.

There’s that GILLETTE commercial. Makes us men all look like monsters.

I hear the #MeToo movement pressured GILLETTE into doin’ it.

I always liked the GILLETTE theme song. I used to tune in to the fights just to hear them sing “To be sharp and be on the go…”

Whatever happened to that song?

I heard the #MeToo movement forced GILLETTE to take it off their commercials.

What’d they replace it with? I AM WOMAN. HEAR ME ROAR?

The only broad that picks up for men anymore is that columnist Christine Flowers.

I don’t think Christine would like you calling her a “broad.”

I hear she doesn’t mind.

I know. On your wife’s Facebook page.

You’re losin’ by two touchdowns, Belichick. And you’re trying another field goal. I need points here.

You can’t question Belichick. He’s the greatest football coach of all time.

What, Lombardi is chopped liver?

If Lombardi was chopped liver, the hostess would’ve bought some at Di Bruno’s.

It’s a fake! Touchdown Patriots!! I need one more score.

Love that Brady!

Hate that Brady!

They always win the big game.

Not last year when St. Nick beat ‘em.

That Cardella column about magic was stupid, wasn’t it?

I hear Cardella died five years ago. Some copy boy is ghost writing his columns.