Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Once a year at this time, when love is in the air and a divorce lawyer around the corner, I offer relationship advice. My column last year (Relationship Advice. Feb. 14, 2018), was reportedly so successful that the divorce rate in South Philadelphia dropped 52 percent. And from the same news source (my wife’s Facebook page), I learned that the illegal immigration rate was near zero, prompting Philadelphia to lose its status as a sanctuary city. Because of the success of last year’s Valentine’s Day column, my editor practically begged me to write another relationship-advice column with the hope that we can finally and totally wipe out divorce in South Philly. I agreed and assured my editor we’d accomplish this without shutting down the government or declaring a local emergency.
OK, let’s tackle the problem of cheating. The website TruthFinder.com provides the five signs that your partner is cheating. I provide the solutions. My credentials include 54 years of marital bliss. My wife, Fran, is apt to credit inertia for our marital stability. Fran is also a cynic and tends to take me with the proverbial grain of salt. One of the prerequisites of a 54-year marriage is that you keep lots of salt on hand.
Five signs he/she is cheating and my solutions
- Requires heavy phone privacy: This sign is not to be taken literally. He/she does not need to own a heavy phone (rotary dial) to make you suspect they’re cheating. If your partner answers his/her phone whispering, “Hey, baby,” chances are it is not their bookie on the other end of the line. If your partner suddenly feels the need to retreat to another part of the house when his/her phone rings, don’t fall for, “Honey, it’s Meals on Wheels confirming delivery. I’ll take it in the den.”
Recommended solutions: Test him/her on the menu that day for Meals on Wheels. Watch them stumble when you ask for the name of the two veggies they’re serving that day (for some reason, cheaters are not good at ad-libbing the names of veggies). Immediately announce your relationship is over — unless you’re under contract or on a family plan. If the latter is the case, hang in there until the contract has ended.
- Your partner is into using hookup apps and other dating sites: Perhaps there is no telling sign that he/she is cheating than they routinely use apps such as Hot Nurses and Doctors. If he/she is using a dating site such as For Cheaters Only, what do you need — Trump’s freakin’ wall to fall down and hit you on the head?
Recommended solutions: You should either break off the relationship (preferably using blunt language — “WTF” is a good start), or if your partner will let you share their apps as a guest, you might just find yourself a hot partner in the medical profession (“scrubs” are hot).
- He/she enjoys lots of Girls/Guys “Only” nights out: Chances are, if your guy is dousing himself with Versace Eros cologne, he’s not going out with the guys for crab fries at Chickie’s. If he’s going out with the guys on a Saturday night, all I can say is “Bingo” and I don’t mean “cover your free.” Likewise, if your girl is dabbing Midnight Fantasy by Britney Spears down her neckline, she is likely not going to an Elizabeth Warren rally. Hint — Warren doesn’t tend to hold rallies at a dance club in South Jersey.
Recommended solutions: Express your own interest in Chickie’s crab fries and watch his reaction. Follow up by testing him to see if he knows the secret ingredient in crab fries. If he fails the test, break off the relationship and celebrate by buying an extra-large tub of crab fries for yourself. They’re a wonderful substitute for cheating boyfriends. Solution for the guys — suddenly flash your Elizabeth Warren for President button. Tell her you don’t think Warren made a mistake taking that DNA test. Chances are you’ll expose her cheating heart and rid yourself of an unfaithful partner. On the other hand, you may wind up at a Warren rally chanting, “Down with Wall Street.”
- He/She is spending an increased amount of time on their looks: Cheaters tend to spend lots of time in front of a mirror. If your guy suddenly begins parting his hair on the opposite side, chances are he has a new cumare in the picture. If you confront him about the changed hairstyle and he professes not to know what you’re talking about, he’s cheating on you. Guy, if your girl never cared about the mole on her chin with the hair growing out of it, and now she’s getting expensive electrolysis treatments, you’re toast.
Recommended solutions: You want revenge on him, ladies? Call up and cancel his appointment at Lil Vic’s without him knowing it. Oh, be sure to pay for his haircut anyway because you don’t want to take it out on Vic or Lori. Guys, congratulate her on Facebook for getting rid of that unsightly mole. Maybe post an old photo.
- He/She is less interested in physical/emotional intimacy: The surest tipoff of all. If he/she watched Trump’s State of the Union speech last week instead of making tender love to you, hand him/her their MAGA hat and kick their ass out the door.