Cardella: On this date in March

(A heavily researched summary of important events that happened on this date. The events are real. The comments my own).
1590-THE CAPTURE OF BREDA-A small Dutch and English assault forces hide in a peat barge to capture Breda. Years later, these forces do the same thing by hiding in a repeat barge.
1646-THE FIRST PATENT FOR SCYTHES IS AWARDED-Their dreams of riches now shattered, a disconsolate Cardella family turns to manufacturing fifes…
1808-THE FIRST COLLEGE ORCHESTRA IS FOUNDED AT HARVARD-Said the conductor to a student-composer, “You’ve written a nice fight song. But playing at halftime of Ivy League football games is not my idea of success.”
1836-THE BATTLE OF THE ALAMO-Outnumbered Texans, including Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie, succumb to a Mexican force led by Santa Anna. Trump muses, “If the Alamo’s walls were just a bit higher…”
1838-FRANZ GRILLPARZER’S “WEH DEM, DER LUGT” PREMIERES IN VIENNA-The concert booking is canceled when it’s discovered that Grillparzer is an alias for Weird Al Yankovic.
1857-DRED SCOTT DECISION HANDED DOWN BY SUPREME COURT-The Court rules that African-Americans cannot be recognized as citizens. Liberals blame Brett Kavanaugh’s great-great-grandfather.
1882-MONARCH MILAN OBRENOVIC OF SERBIA CROWNS HIMSELF KING-“You expected free and fair elections?”
1900-THE SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC PARTY IS FORMED-Eugene Debs edges a young Bernie Sanders as its nominee for president.
1906-CUBS SIGN HARRY STEINFELDT TO PLAY THIRD BASE, JOINING LEGENDARY INFIELD OF TINKER TO EVERS TO CHANCE-Steinfeldt’s agent, Scott Boras, gets player a long-term deal that includes lifetime supply of deep-dish pizza. Phillies disappointed.
1915-GREEK KING CONSTANTINE I FIRES PREMIER VENIZELOS and replaces him with Anthony Scaramucci. For 10 days.
1921-WOMEN IN SUNBURY, PENNSYLVANIA ARE REQUIRED BY LAW TO WEAR THEIR SKIRTS FOUR INCHES BELOW THE KNEE-Great-grandfather Cardella is arrested for selling pictures of flappers on the internet.
1925-BELGIUM ANNEXES EUPEN, MALMO, DY AND SANKT VITH-A day later, Belgium rescinds annexation when it finds that these countries do not exist except in a Marx Brothers movie.
1926-CHINA ASKS FOR A SEAT ON THE SECURITY COUNCIL-The Chinese representative comments, “You think standing this long is a picnic?”
1933-FDR DECLARES A NATIONWIDE BANK HOLIDAY-A kid in sixth grade at the Francis Scott Key School wants to know why, if it’s a holiday, students didn’t get the day off.
1940-THE DATE OF THE FIRST TELECAST FROM AN AIRPLANE-Eleanor Roosevelt gets into a terrible fight with Ayn Rand on THE VIEW.
1945-GEORGE NISSEN OF CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA RECEIVES A PATENT FOR THE FIRST TRAMPOLINE-Nissen gets so excited that he jumps on his trampoline. As far as anyone can determine, Nissen never came down and hasn’t been seen again. Rumors abound that Nissen landed on an island, joining Amelia Earhart, Judge Crater and D.B. Cooper.
1950-SILLY PUTTY FIRST GOES ON SALE IN THE U.S.-The Cardellas open “Silly Putty R Us,” a chain of stores that sell only Silly Putty. Papa Cardella predicts we’ll become as wealthy as the Rockefellers.
1955-THE DATE OF THE DUTCH PREMIERE OF WAITING FOR GODOT-A Dutch relative of mine buys his first copy of CliffsNotes. He still can’t figure out why Godot is a no-show.
1961-MINI-CABS DEBUT IN LONDON-British Lord Reginald Neville Cardella grumbles, “Again, I ask, why these little cabs are better than taking an UBER?” Because, silly, they’re a better fit for wee people.
1961-DUTCH QUEEN JULIANA CELEBRATES HER 12½-YEAR JUBILEE-My Dutch relative, Jan Willem, Cardella asks, “What? The Queen couldn’t wait six months to make it an even 13?”
1964-CASSIUS CLAY CHANGES HIS NAME TO MUHAMMAD ALI-And I bet my life savings that he won’t last a round against Sonny Liston.
1974-AN UNNAMED ITALIAN INDUSTRIALIST LOSES ALMOST $2M PLAYING ROULETTE IN MONTE CARLO-I am now able to report to you that the unnamed Italian industrialist was my father. And that’s how we lost the family fortune, selling Silly Putty. I’ve had to work for a living ever since. Hey, I’m 80 years old. May I quit now?
1978-HUSTLER PUBLISHER LARRY FLYNT IS SHOT AND CRIPPLED BY A SNIPER IN GEORGIA-Flynt claims that, were it not for the shooting, Woody Harrelson would never have played him in a film. “I just would have been remembered as a guy who published dirty magazines,” says Flynt. Uh…Larry…
1982-SUSAN BIRMINGHAM RECORDS THE LOUDEST SHOUT EVER HEARD-Momma Cardella holds the unofficial record for her reaction in learning that Pop lost the Silly Putty family fortune at a roulette table.
1992-THE MICHELANGELO COMPUTER VIRUS BECOMES A DANGEROUS THREAT-This virus not only disables your computer, but turns the ceiling of your room into a replica of the Sistine Chapel.
1995-THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW DEBUTS—I try in vain to hide all the radios in our home. The Cardella kids learn the true identity of Baba Booey.
1997-BIRTHDATE OF ELIZA ROSE NUNNELEE-And you wondered why I selected March 6 about which to write this column? Eliza is the gold standard for granddaughters. No, I don’t want to hear about YOUR granddaughter.
2014-CRIMEAN PARLIAMENT VOTES UNANIMOUSLY TO MAKE CRIMEA PART OF RUSSIA-A member whispers to another, “Hey, I’ll bet this would work in the 9th district of North Carolina.”
2018-OLDEST MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE FOUND IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA-Written on the note—”If you’re the one who drank all my FOSTER’S, may your shrimp burn on the barbie.”