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Cardella: Clarification

Can we get a few things straight here? Ours is a world that can do with a little clarification. For example: Can we all agree that the word “cuisine” is overused? If the highlight of your menu is chicken wings, you are NOT serving cuisine. I don’t care if you do serve the wings with a garlic parmesan sauce. The operative word for what you are serving is “food.” I don’t care if “cuisine” is French for “food.” The only time you should use French on your menu is when you’re listing the 17 varieties of fries that you serve.

And another thing: What’s with this “artisan” bread in the supermarket? Here’s a standing rule: If you’re buying bread in the supermarket, it is NOT “artisan” bread. The folks who make WONDER BREAD should be prohibited from using the word “artisan” on any of their bakery products.  I don’t know about you, but when I see the word “artisan,” I think of Michelangelo chiseling the statue of David out of a big rock he found in his backyard. I don’t think of a loaf of SARAH LEE bread. It’s like when I think of Donald Trump’s face, I’m not reminded of the faces of the great presidents carved on Mount Rushmore. I think of a loaf of WONDER BREAD covered in VELVEETA Cheese.

You know what the most secure job in America is for the next 18 months? Counting Trump’s lies. The Washington Post claimed recently that Trump hit the 10,000 mark in lies. This guy is the Wilt Chamberlain of B.S. There must be more than one person counting Trump’s lies because it’s a 24-hour-a-day job. Does Trump lie intentionally or is he just the most misinformed person on earth? Has he never heard of FactCheck.org? Does he not have access to GOOGLE? Please, Melania, give your man ALEXA for Christmas!

If my mention of Trump in a negative way is causing some of you agita, you know what? Take a BRIOCSCHI and call me in the morning. I hear from Trump supporters all the time. Why can’t you acknowledge the “good” he’s done, Cardella? Like Mussolini made the trains run on time? After all, Trump finds the good in all people. Like, he looks at the crowd of neo-Nazis at a Charlottesville rally, and he finds some “good” people in the crowd. Yeah, and Trump probably thinks that the bucket of fried chicken at KFC is cuisine. Thinks the two  lumps of dough that come with it are “artisan” biscuits. Finding the “good” in Trump is like trying to say something nice about the guy who broke wind at your wife’s surprise birthday party, and then followed it up with a graphic anecdote about meeting Linda Lovelace. The president denies that he gives aid and comfort to white supremacists and then publicly declares that HE is a “nationalist.” What does he mean by that? I’m guessing that he doesn’t mean that he’s a fan of the Washington Nationals.

Trump fans love to use moral equivalency to justify their guy. If you point out that Trump sold us out to the Russians, they’ll say yeah, but what about Hillary’s emails? Or did you hear about Jim Kenney deleting his texts? If Trump DID shoot someone on Fifth Avenue in broad daylight, you can bet that some Trump supporter will point out that Obama didn’t show his ORIGINAL birth certificate to us. Take, for example, their outrage at Joe Biden. He was sniffing women’s hair, they complain. Let me remind you that Trump was grabbing their you-know-what’s.

The  back-stabbing in the Trump White House is like the plot out of a modern day GAME OF THRONES. I have to admit, I love that HBO series, but it could use some clarifying, too. I not only can’t tell the villains from the good guys or girls, but I can’t figure out who’s died and who’s returned to life. Here’s a perfect example of why I got lost in the story line: One recent episode featured an hour-and-a-half battle for WINTERFELL, filmed entirely at night. I had to use eye drops every 15 minutes to squint through the darkness. In the end, Arya saved the day by destroying the Night King. That’s the political equivalent of Barron Trump turning in tapes of his father that resulted in his impeachment. I keep hoping that Mayor Pete Buttigieg is the one who has a backbone made of Valyrian steel.

I mentioned Jim Kenney a paragraph or two earlier. In South Philly, it’s impossible to acknowledge anything positive about the mayor. This newspaper recently carried a photo of Kenney with area residents celebrating upgrades to Capitolo Playground. The improvements reportedly were made possible through the city’s REBUILD program. A positive for South Philly, right? Well…but you see, Kenney isn’t smiling in the photo. What’s wrong with him? Is he uncomfortable surrounded by residents of South Philly? Is he contemplating another onerous tax or maybe another street where he wants to place a freakin’ bike lane? And what the hell was in those texts he erased? Why does he hate us so much? Why doesn’t the “fake news” cover the villainous real story here?

Clarification: Mr. Mayor, we don’t want improved public schools or better playgrounds or protection for undocumented workers. Give us back our untaxed soda!

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