Cardella: The Get Back Policy

Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
–John Lennon and Paul McCartney

Your intrepid columnist has discovered that the Trump administration is getting ready to announce a sweeping new executive action that will redefine American citizenship. Expectations are that ALL Americans will have to reapply for citizenship under the new guidelines. The new guidelines are to be called the GET BACK policy.

To qualify for citizenship, applicants will be required to pass a test that is quite different from the previous test. That test included questions about American history and knowledge of our traditional democratic system of government. The main feature of the test will reportedly include a loyalty oath to President Donald Trump. It is uncertain whether the new plan will also include a revised Pledge of Allegiance that will read, “…one nation under God and President Trump…” One source tells me that Trump favors reversing the order to “…one nation under President Trump and God…” Vice President Pence remains adamant that God be placed before President Trump, but in the end is expected to smile beatifically and go along with the president, as always.

My source refused to confirm or deny that anyone NOT qualifying as “Trump citizens” will be deported. But rumors persist that the aim is to purge the country of disloyal and dangerous elements, including all Democrats and anti-Trump independents and Republicans (surprisingly, Sen. Pat Toomey’s name is rumored to be on that small list).

In response to a question about where this new category of “non-citizens” would be sent if they were born in America, my source says, “That’s up for discussion.” Among the rumored suggestions by the president himself are countries that Mr. Trump has previously categorized as “s-holes,” Chernobyl, Three Mile Island (Mr. Trump reportedly has asked whether Three Mile Island is located outside the continental United States), leper colonies (the president asked whether there are any other kinds of large cats in these colonies) and any country that is anti-American (including former allies in Europe, but excluding Russia and North Korea). The White House source mentioned that Jared Kushner thought it would be a good idea if these non-citizens could be sent to Palestine (“a nation that these scum seem to love”). Mr. Trump may want to explore whether he can seize California and New York state under the doctrine of “eminent domain” and use them for non-citizen camps. It was noted that all of the Trump cabinet members chuckled at that suggestion. An unidentified participant at the meeting suggested that the members of the fake news media should be sent to special re-education camps headed by Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Kellyanne Conway laughingly asked if she could have conjugal visits with husband George. And seemed relieved when she was told she couldn’t. Someone questioned whether the staff of Fox News would be exempt from deportation. The president reportedly said, “Sean Hannity isn’t going anywhere. Shepard Smith and Chris Wallace better pack, though.” Mr. Trump thought it would be hilarious if Smith were assigned Anderson Cooper as a roommate. Senior Adviser for Policy Stephen Miller added, “It might even be better if his roommate were Rachel Maddow.” That brought a loud guffaw from everyone present.

Kellyanne Conway, according to my source, pointed out that deporting white people like Smith, Wallace, Maddow, etc. wouId prove that Trump is not a racist. The new citizenship policy will pointedly be race neutral. An intense discussion broke out as to where they could find “friendly” non-whites who support Trump and could qualify as new citizens. Someone suggested Kanye West. Trump gave a thumbs-up. Overtures to notable African-American athletes were made. LeBron James’ response is not printable here. There is a feeling that Tiger Woods is a possible supporter, having played golf at Trump courses. A question was raised about whether Woods is black enough. Would including supremacists revive racist charges about Mr. Trump? The president remarked, “There are ‘good people’ on all sides.”

Our source indicated that the new citizenship test would consist of simple TRUE/FALSE questions. Although the test has not been finalized, I am happy to report that I was able to get my hands on a copy of the most recent draft. Here’s a sampling of the questions– with the correct answers in parenthesis—


1-The crowd at President Trump’s inauguration was the largest gathering in the recorded history of the world (T).

2-The Russians hacked into the 2016 presidential election (F).

3-Voters don’t care about President Trump’s tax returns (T).

4-Fox News is “fair and balanced” (T).  Added comment—Except for Shepard Smith.

5-Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez hates America and “could be a communist, I don’t know, but she could be.” (T)

6-President Trump is a “great speller.” (T)  Added comment—Do you spell Unpresidented” (sic) with one or two t’s?

7-President Trump loves a good Broadway show (F)

8-The Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia had a writer for the Washington Post murdered (F). Added comment—Khashoggi could’ve been a suicide who chopped himself up.

9-Kim of North Korea had members of his negotiating team murdered. (F). Added comment—“He told the president he didn’t do it.”

10-Trump has provided Americans with better health care at lower cost than Obamacare. (T)  Added comment—Right after the next election.

Uncle Nunzio is not a Beatles expert, but says that he’s reasonably certain that Lennon and McCartney did not have Trump’s new citizenship policy in mind when they wrote GET BACK. ••

You can follow Tom Cardella on Facebook.