1-President Trump declared that when it comes to religion, Democrats–
a)-think the Monkees’ song, I’M A BELIEVER, should be played at church services
b)-think Sunday brunch is a spiritual experience
c)-are not big believers
d)-steal from the collection box
2-Mayor Jim Kenney has a problem with PHILADELPHIA MAGAZINE because—
a)-their mystery restaurant critic is biased toward sushi joints
b)-they don’t treat him fairly
c)-his copy always arrives late — and it’s intentional
d)-their mystery restaurant critic is Billy Ciancaglini and he never ate in a sushi joint
3-Phillies broadcaster Tom McCarthy–
a)-was recently inducted into the Irish-American Baseball Hall of Fame
b)-purchased a Rosetta stone to help him interpret John Kruk’s comments
c)-was voted The Least Likely To Ever Utter A Discouraging Word
d)-stole John Kruk’s hot dog when his back was turned
4-Vice-President Mike Pence recently stayed at a Trump hotel in Ireland that was 182 miles away from his meeting because—
a)-their chocolate chip cookies are better than a nearby Doubleday
b)-Actress Maureen O’Hara once stayed there
c)-he got lost
d)-there was no meeting, he needed an excuse to go there because his lips got tired kissing the president’s rump
5-Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is—
a)-no longer running for president
b)-upset because he was photographed drinking a Dunkin’ Decaf
c)-thinking of changing the name of the sized cups to small, medium and large
d)-upset because polls showed him running behind John Delaney for president
6-The real reason that Britain is in chaos these days is—
a)-Gillian Anderson has been cast as Margaret Thatcher in the upcoming season of THE CROWN
b)-their new prime minister Boris Johnson has a worse hairdo than Donald Trump
c)-their economy is failing because of the Brexit vote
d)-it’s been discovered that Lennon and McCartney wrote PENNY LANE in honor of a prostitute
7-USA TODAY is carrying a story today that pumpkin spice—
a)-was used by the Russians to warp our taste buds
b)-is being used in teen vaping
c)-and not Labor Day is now considered the official end of summer
d)-is being considered by Gerbers as its newest flavor of baby food
8-The most pressing question in America today in the latest CNN Poll is-
a)-whether the new POPEYE’S Chicken sandwich is spicier than the one at CHICK-fil-A
b)-how Sean Spicer will do on samba week on DANCING WITH THE STARS
c)-whether Donald Trump will replace Hurricane Schwartz as the meteorologist on NBC 10 if he loses his re-election bid
d)-whether NBC 10 would allow Trump to use a Sharpie in his weather predictions
9-It’s a shame that Trump called off talks with the Taliban at Camp David because—
a)-the wait staff heard the Taliban are big tippers
b)-it means that our 18-year war in Afghanistan will continue
c)-Trump’s personal chef baked a chocolate cake for the occasion and it had been left out in the rain and he doesn’t think that he can take it because it took so long to bake it and he’ll never have that recipe again
d)-they violated the conditions agreed upon that there were no preconditions
10-Nancy Pelosi is wavering on whether to support impeachment proceedings against Trump because-
a)-She can’t restrain her fellow Democrats in Congress who are demanding action
b)-her dog keeps barking at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez sitting on her front lawn
c)-she’s tired of the idiots on her Facebook page thinking she’s the anti-Christ
d)-she just discovered that Jerry Nadler has joined Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on her front lawn
11-CONFUSED CHRISTIANS FOR TRUMP is an organization-
a)-that doesn’t know whether it’s confused about whether to continue its support for Trump or confused because it continues to support Trump
b)-that keeps debating whether separating children from their families disqualifies the president as being a Christian since being an admitted p-grabber did not
c)-that is seeking TV evangelist Jim Bakker’s advice on how to find redemption
d)-that is made up by me to annoy those readers of my column who are Trump supporters and haven’t been annoyed by now
12-Survivors of Hurricane Dorian in the Bahamas are upset because—
a)-Trump won’t allow them into the U.S. after the disaster.
b)-at being lumped with Mexico, Haiti and Baltimore as seen by Trump as places where “bad people” live
c)-Trump offered to buy the island after his bid for Greenland was rejected
d)-the Bahamas Tourist Bureau is insisting on still using the slogan IT’S BETTER IN THE BAHAMAS
13-After the tragic shooting in El Paso, Trump announced—
a)-Residents should go watch the movie EL PASO and see how John Wayne handled problems in that city
b)-Misspelled “El Paso” in a tweet as “ELL “Passoe”
c)-that he would consider new gun control measures
d)-that he would NOT consider new gun control measures after talking with the president of the NRA
14-I reacted to receiving a notice from the Phillies that I could guarantee seats for home playoff games for $665 by–
a)-laughing hysterically
b)-checking my calendar to see if it were 2008
c)-thought that somehow the Atlanta Braves had mistakenly gotten me on their mailing list
d)-checked the standings and THEN laughed hysterically ••
(You can hear Tom Cardella talk Eagles football Mondays from 6 to 7 p.m. on 610 AM or simulcast on Facebook and WBCB (1490 AM).
