Cardella: Pizza Accidents

DOMINO’S is offering “Carryout Insurance.” I checked the DOMINO’S website to read its insurance policy. It says that “Carryout Insurance” means that if damage occurs to your pizza after you leave the store, you can just bring it back and DOMINO’S will remake your pizza for free.

Exactly when did pizza accidents become a national problem? I watch 24-hour cable news and local news at 11 and I don’t remember seeing a single accident involving a pizza. If people were dropping pizzas all over town, surely ACTION NEWS would’ve been there to cover the droppers, right? Is it only patrons of DOMINO’S who have the problem? Are DOMINO’S patrons especially unlucky? Or careless? I always thought that Romeo and Juliet were doomed because the Montagues and the Capulets couldn’t get along, but perhaps it was because Romeo dropped the DOMINO’S pizza right after the balcony scene. Maybe the Eagles will find out that Miles Sanders is fumbling the football because he’s gotten into the habit of dropping his DOMINO’S pizza during the pre-game meal.

We’re talking monumental bad luck here. DOMINO’S customers don’t get 10 feet from the store before someone’s pet dog crashes into them. Or they barely get out of their car before they slip in the driveway, sending a box of just-purchased pizza spinning into the air, only to crash in a nearby bed of tulips. And who has the misfortune to have a cop on a sidewalk scooter knock a pizza out of their hands and scoot away without so much as an, “I’m sorry?”

DOMINO’S patrons, that’s who. Who the hell has ever even seen a cop on a sidewalk scooter, anyway?

Is DOMINO’S dipping its pizza boxes in pig fat? I’ve dropped a lot of things in my life, but never a pizza. It seems to me that the guy from FARMERS INSURANCE could’ve warned us about the dangers of carryout pizza. Why FARMERS? Because they “know a thing or two because they’ve seen a thing or two.”

DOMINO’S realizes that there are a lot of pizza scam artists out there, so beware. Cheating on your pizza insurance can have serious consequences. As with all insurance, read the policy carefully. The devil can be hidden in the details — in this case, the mozzarella. As a public service, let’s review the policy:

You must bring the entire pizza intact back to the store. This means that if the box opens and the pizza flies out, you must retrieve the scattered pieces. That shouldn’t be a problem because how far can pizza fly? (a question that students of aeronautics have puzzled over for decades). “Intact” is the key word here. The sticking point may be getting the melted cheese off the tulips and back onto the slices of pizza.

No matter how much you’re tempted, DO NOT eat any of the fallen pizza. I know, I know — some folks think DOMINO’S actually tastes better AFTER it hits the ground. Some have even found that the tulips with melted cheese taste better than the pizza. In fact, I’m recommending that DOMINO’S consider the fallen pizza as a new flavor. Or at least, that DOMINO’S offer a pizza with tulips strewn on top next to the pepperoni. “I’ll have a Fallen Pizza with extra tulips, please.”

Just as with insurance companies, DOMINO’S is suspicious. DOMINO’S suspects that there might be some unscrupulous customer who would eat some of the pizza and then feign an accident and return the half-eaten pizza for a whole one. Hard to believe that there’s anyone who likes DOMINO’S pizza quite that much, but let’s assume the company’s correct.

Ask yourself, why is it only DOMINO’S customers who suffer from pizza accidents? If pizza accidents are not particular to DOMINO’S, then how are PIZZA HUT and PAPA JOHN’S handling the problem? As far as I know, PIZZA HUT is too busy stuffing cheese into its pizza crusts to concern itself with pizza accidents. PAPA JOHN’S is too busy bragging about its “better” ingredients and removing all traces of John Schnatter from its ads. Where is their pizza accountability, I ask you? Are DOMINO’S competitors pizza-accident deniers? DOMINO’S  claims that pizza scientists all over the world have reached a consensus on the cause of pizza accidents. They say there is little doubt that pizza accidents are man-made. Curiously, I‘ve noted that all of the accident-prone customers pictured in its TV ads are male. Perhaps pizza accidents are merely another manifestation of male recklessness? Or female superiority?

Two examples cited by DOMINO’S as examples of the kind of pizza accidents you’re likely to encounter are — a dog licked your pizza or someone sneezed on it. It seems to me a bit difficult to prove either in order to qualify for a replacement pizza. It also seems to me that claiming a dog licked your pizza is a little too close to claiming a dog ate your homework to be believed. Also, if a person sneezed on your pizza (other than a DOMINO’S employee), you’d better hope that they did so before anyone ate any of it. An additional requirement is that maimed pizza must be returned within two hours to qualify for a replacement pizza. Sort of a pizza statute of limitations.

A warning — store participation may vary. If you’re accident prone, you may want to check whether your local DOMINO’S provides “Carryout Insurance.” Especially if you play for the Eagles and your name is Miles Sanders. 

You can see Tom Cardella on Monday Night Kickoff this week with special guest Trent Cole at 6 p.m., streaming on, or hear the rebroadcast on 610 AM on Tuesdays at 5 p.m.