Every weekday night — if you’re at all like me (and my mail suggests you’re not) — you probably say to yourself, “Gosh almighty, I miss David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists.” Well, your angst is over, dear reader. Yes, today, your faithful columnist brings back the Top Ten List. Why? It’s too difficult to write a funny column about Hula Hoops or Silly Putty. Incidentally, if you’re wondering who David Letterman is, think Jimmy Fallon, but with talent and an unfortunate habit of sleeping with interns. To make this even more fun, gang, I’m using some topics from a Letterman book as well as some new topics. If you like the idea, next week I intend to update a GILLIGAN’S ISLAND script. If you don’t, maybe you’re suffering from CDS, otherwise known as Cardella Derangement Syndrome.
TOP TEN REASONS TO READ THIS COLUMN
10. It’s got lots of words in it.
Never mind. New topic.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE U.S. IS BETTER THAN SWITZERLAND
10. Our cheese doesn’t have holes in it.
9. Here, you can buy 50 Timexes for the price of one Rolex.
8. We never pretend to be neutral.
7. What’s so great about call girls wearing Heidi costumes?
6. Do you want your son (or daughter) to be named Olaf?
5. In South Philly, fondue is a dirty word.
4. America HAS Iowa. Switzerland IS Iowa.
3. Think you can find a hip hop club in Switzerland?
2. In Switzerland, diversity means people with light brown hair.
1. No one ever boasts about having a secret Wells Fargo account.
TOP TEN THINGS HEARD AFTER MY LATEST COLUMN CRITICAL OF TRUMP
10. I hear Cardella and his wife used fake visas to get out of South Philly.
9. What kind of woman would donate a kidney to this guy?
8. Normal guys have Marilyn Monroe calendars in their basements, Cardella has a JAMES Monroe poster.
7. One of his web bookmarks is called LIBRARIAN PORN.
6. He still takes a rubber ducky with him when he takes a bath.
5. He takes baths?
4. He’s been pissed off at the Republicans since he voted for Alf Landon and lost. Big time.
3. George Soros pays him a fee for slamming Trump.
2. He wishes he had orange hair.
1. He triple bogeyed the 18th hole at Mar-a-Lago.
TOP TEN CARDELLA PICK-UP LINES
10. How’d you like to hear my Engelbert Humperdinck impression?
9. Want to see my new flip phone?
8. I’d invite you to see my etchings, but what are etchings?
7. Bet you love my new scent of HAI KARATE!
6. I once filled in on radio for Howard Eskin.
5. We could go over to Ikea for some lingonberry meatballs.
4. I’m a GOLF CHANNEL addict.
3. So, who is this guy LIZZO?
2. Have you ever seen Rachel Maddow wear anything but black?
1. Is that Jean Nate’ you’re wearing?
TOP TEN ACHIEVEMENTS OF MAYOR KENNEY
10. He forgot to move the Rizzo statue.
9. Forgot to send Johnny Doc a Christmas card.
8. He rejected the idea that the Mummers’ new parade route would involve marching into midday traffic without shoes.
7. He designated Packer Park as a sanctuary for Republicans.
6. Cutting down on soda ain’t all bad. I no longer pass gas at office parties.
5. He’s still more popular than our district attorney.
4. Helped stabilize property taxes. Now no one can afford to pay them.
3. I like when he calls Jerry Jones and Chris Christie names.
2. Helped make Rebecca Rhynhart famous.
1. It could’ve been worse, Alan Butkovitz could be mayor.
TOP TEN QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK MIKE PENCE
10. Is that your real hair?
9. Ever feel pressured to dye it orange?
8. Do Trump’s old girlfriends ever hit on you?
7. Is it true that your favorite song lyric is DO IT TO ME! DO IT TO ME! DO IT TO ME?
6. So how do you like cruising the Gayborhood when you’re in Philly?
5. Do you have a favorite prayer you recite after meetings with the president?
4. Is it true that your wife makes you wear a blindfold when you’re in the company of Melania?
3. Why do you keep muttering UKRAINE in your sleep?
2. Why do you suppose that Mr. Trump likes to accompany you to Gilbert and Sullivan operettas?
1. Isn’t it true that you took this job to escape Indiana?
TOP TEN REASONSWHY HARRY AND MEGHAN WANT TO STEP DOWN
10. They can’t figure out how to spell “Brexit.”
9. Ever try to get a reservation in a good British restaurant?
8. It’s just a coincidence that they decided to leave when Boris Johnson became prime minister.
7. Meghan was being forced to use the queen’s hairdresser.
6. Harry wanted to get out before they cast Adam Sandler to play him on the next season of THE CROWN.
5. Meghan grew weary of being asked, “What’s your favorite rap song?”
4. The queen’s physician predicted that she’d live another 93 years.
3. Both Harry and Meghan resented having to give up the PLAYBOY channel for ACORN TV.
2. Meghan was punished just because she called the queen “Liz.”
1. Every time they asked the queen’s permission to make love, the queen asked, “Must you?” ••
You can follow Tom Cardella on Facebook if you’re tired of watching THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK.