Hey, you crazy nostalgia fans! Thank you for being so thrilled with our column (01/22/20) featuring the return of David Letterman’s Top Ten list. This week, we again dip into the past to bring you the return of Johnny Carson’s Carnac the Magnificent. Johnny has donned a freshly pressed turban and cloak for the occasion.
CARDELLA: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re honored to welcome back after many years, someone whose stature rivals that of those men on Mount Rushmore. Someone who has no peer. That wonder of the ages — and former delivery boy for DAD’S MEATS — Carnac the Magnificent!
CARNAC: That was a better-paying gig than this one, let me tell you.
CARDELLA: Why have you stayed away so long, oh mighty Carnac?
CARNAC: Death. Dying creates long absences.
CARDELLA: Well, what’s important is that you’re here with us now.
CARNAC: I’d say I’m important. What was your choice? Bring me back or go a week without writing a column and not getting paid?
CARDELLA: (clearing his throat, while pointedly ignoring the last remark). I have in my hand these envelopes. They’ve been hermetically sealed by a genuine South Philadelphia hermit, who has been living in a cave at an unannounced location since Frank Rizzo departed this vale of tears — emerging only for this special occasion. Without, as they say, further ado, here is the first envelope.
CARNAC: Please, I can only do this in absolute silence. Turn off your flip phones and Walkmans…
Answer: Bible belt.
Question: What holds up Pat Robertson’s pants?
Answer: The Electoral College.
Question: What is the former name of Trump University?
(Man in front row wearing a MAGA hat boos).
CARNAC: (speaking to that man). Sir? Is that a giant-sized TWIX bar in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?…(continuing)…
Answer: Molly Bee.
Question: What comes after Molly A?
Answer: Unmarried man.
Question: What was Larry King on Jan. 13 between 4 and 6 p.m.?
Answer: Until he’s caught.
Question: How long does a Philadelphia City Councilman serve?
Answer: Whistle blower.
Question: Who is the President’s least favorite musician?
(Boos erupt again).
CARNAC: May your prostate exam and colonoscopy fall on the same day…(continuing)
Answer: George Washington Carver.
Question: What do you call someone who creates wood sculptures of our first president?
Question: What is my wife’s reaction when I wear my Valentine jockey shorts to bed?
Answer: Head and Shoulders.
Question: What do you see when you get stuck standing behind Joel Embiid at a parade?
Answer: Hello Dolly!
Question: What do you say when you get a chance to meet the Dalai Lama?
Question: In his latest tweet, how did the President spell “post?”
(A woman carrying a sign KEEP AMERICA GREAT tosses a tomato at Carnac’s feet).
Carnac addressing the woman. May someone put GORILLA GLUE in your Botox, madam…
Question: What is the one Dumpster to avoid even when you’re starving?
Answer: A haircut at LITTLE VIC’S, a membership to the LOMBARD SWIM CLUB and a large-sized tube of PREPARATION H.
Question: What are the only three things Bernie Sanders isn’t offering free if he gets elected?
Answer: Support your local police.
Question: What to do if a cop can’t find his jockstrap?
Answer: MICROSOFT WINDOWS TEN.
Question: What’s the only thing worse than MICROSOFT WINDOWS SEVEN?
Answer: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and parking regulations in South Philly.
Question: Name two things with no meaning?
Answer: At least two members under indictment.
Question: What do you get at a Philadelphia City Council meeting?
Answer: When the moon is in the 7th House and Jupiter aligns with Mars.
Question: When will Jerry Nadler look good in a swimsuit?
Answer: A wing and a prayer.
Question: What do you get when you share a bucket of KFC with Donald Trump?
Answer: Meet the Press.
Question: What’s the one thing Trump Press Secretary Stephanie Gresham has never done?
Question: Who was the runner-up in the Miss Universe contest?
Answer: Trump Derangement Syndrome.
Question: What illness are you suffering from when you book a room in Wildwood in January?
Question: What’s more scarce in Washington than a witness at an impeachment trial?
Answer: A bottle of soda, sex and Larry Krasner.
Question: In Philadelphia, what is taxed, untaxed and taxing?
Answer: Cherry blossoms in February, a call girl under $100 a night and a Republican defying the president.
Question: What are three things you can’t find in Washington?
Answer: Dershowitz’s fee is higher.
Question: What is the difference between Alan Dershowitz and Stormy Daniels?
Answer: Jim Kenney’s engagement party.
Question: What’s the one event even less likely to be held in Girard Park than a Grateful Dead revival?
Question: What’s in the frankfurters they sell at Dollar Dog Day?
(Crowd getting restless). Carnac: May your snickerdoodle get caught in a revolving door.
Answer: What you should not tell a woman on the first date.
Question: If you’re interested, I got first row seats to see the Jay Sekulow Band?
Answer: I got a piece of lime sticking out of my butt.
Question: How do you know when you have the Coronavirus?
Answer: The birth of Baby Peanut.
Question: One reason why abortion isn’t always a terrible option.
Cardella (stepping on stage to interrupt Carnac). I’m afraid time is up, oh magnificent one.
Carnac: Cardella, have you ever invested in a good breath mint? Ditch the Andes!
Cardella: Let’s give it up for Carnac the Magnificent! We’ll not see his like again. Hopefully.
You can follow Tom Cardella on Facebook. He’ll make you feel as if you just got a 10-year tax abatement.