Cardella: History according to Trump

What if our president took it upon himself in an interview to comment on the most important events in history on Fox News?

Here’s what it might sound like:

The Creation of the World — “Really — Look, God is great and God is good and all that, but it took him six days to create the world. And then he gets a day off with pay? Unbelievable. I could’ve done the whole thing in three and a half days. And it would’ve been a wonderful world, not this s—-hole.”

The Renaissance — “I don’t get it. The paintings with all those cherubs. The naked women — OK — but the cherubs? What the hell is a cherub, anyway?”

Jesus of Nazareth — “Look, not to be disrespectful, Jesus is tops, but he’s no hero. I like winners. How’d he end up? And what was good about Good Friday? And the fake news about him coming back from the dead? Who reported that — Jim Acosta? And this Judas? The creep sells him out for 30 pieces of silver? Even Scaramucci wouldn’t sell you out for 30 pieces of silver. Where’s the loyalty. I’ll take Corey Lewandowski any day.”

Columbus Discovers America — “The fake New York Times makes a big deal out of Christopher Columbus. The guy thought he discovered India. I would’ve known it was America right away. The moment I landed with my three ships — the Nina, the Pinta and the Trump Regency Princess and saw the red, white and blue flag. What was it, Thanksgiving, when Pocahontas was trying to run for president? And where the hell was John Alden during her campaign?”

The American Revolution — “You know who helped lose that war for Britain? That nasty woman, Theresa May. She decided that the ‘Redcoats’ would wear those goofy uniforms. Two words, Theresa: camouflage cloth. Without the Second Amendment, we don’t have a chance. Our farmers and teachers – our common folk — had their own muskets. And, of course, the air cover we gave our troops at Lexington and Concord helped. These patriots were all about winning — and they did it without Tom Brady.”

The Civil War — The slave owners and the abolitionists. There were good people on both sides. That’s a fact the fake history books don’t want you to know. Right now, CNN is going to claim that Trump just said he favored slavery. The fake media. If I was president back in 1777, there wouldn’t have even been a civil war. They love me in the South. And if I were Lincoln, there would’ve been no assassination. Melania will tell you, I hate the theater.”

The First Flight — We should’ve had an airplane long before the Wright brothers. I would’ve had Jared make that happen around the 1860s. We would’ve had more airplanes than you knew what to do with. Big beautiful airplanes. Incredible stewardesses. First class. Top-notch food. Jets instead of propellers. You ever see those first airplanes? They look like they came out of a cereal box. No wonder they only stayed in the air for a couple of minutes. Why did Pelosi stop Lindbergh from flying that first plane? Why did Cuomo stop the Wright brothers from flying out of LaGuardia? People tell me that Hunter Biden had a secret deal with the outfit at Kitty Hawk. Maybe it’s true. Maybe it’s not. But what the hell kind of name is Kitty Hawk, anyway?”

The Spanish Flu — “If Trump had called it the “Spanish Flu,” CNN would’ve been all over me. Like Trump hates Spain. Like I have some kind of grudge against paella. Although I personally prefer good Spanish food at Taco Bell. The fake news would’ve made something out of that, too. If I had been president back then, I would’ve been tougher on Spain. I would’ve stopped cruises out of Barcelona. Saved millions of lives.”

The Manhattan Project — “We made a mistake. We should’ve skipped the atomic bomb — went right to the hydrogen bomb. Obama left Eisenhower a broken system. World War II could’ve been shortened to World War I and a half.”

Truman Upsets Dewey — “If it had been me, I wouldn’t have lost in the Electoral College. Personally, I think the election was rigged. And the headline on the Chicago Tribune proved it — DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN.”

The Berlin Wall — “It should never have been torn down. It was a beautiful wall. I could’ve built it for a lot less francs or Euros … or whatever. I would’ve just moved the entire wall to the Rio Grande, and had the Mexicans pay the moving costs.”

The Sixties — “Under a Trump presidency, not one drop of blood would’ve been shed over civil rights. I would’ve let the governors in the states handle that mess. There were good people on both sides. Some of the states would’ve taken longer to integrate, but governors know their own states. It’s not the federal government’s job to meddle in education. Trump didn’t need the National Guard to get me through the entrance to Penn.”

Watergate — “If I’m Nixon, I’m not resigning. I would’ve destroyed the tapes. The Washington Post put out fake stories. There was no DEEP THROAT. How could Linda Lovelace have known about Watergate? Woodward and Bernstein made it all up just so Hollywood would make a movie about them. And I’ve seen Woodward, he’s no Robert Redford.”

The Clinton-Lewinsky Scandal — “What the hell was Clinton thinking about? Didn’t he force her to sign an NDA?”

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