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Cardella: Revisiting Famous Quotations

It’s time we update well-known quotations to reflect life today. And without the slightest bit of humility or apologies to Ben Franklin, here’s my take — 

1-A penny saved is not much.

2-A mind is a terrible thing to waste. And so is a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

3-Life throws curveballs, and I never could hit a breaking pitch.

4-When you reach the end of your rope, make sure you really want to do this thing.

5-Spread love everywhere you go. You know, like you usually spread bulls—t.

6-Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap. Make sure there’s a Trader Joe’s nearby.

7-Tell me, and I forget. Teach me, and I — what the hell was I saying?

8-It is during our darkest moments that we usually trip over the vacuum cleaner and break a toe.

9-Whoever is happy has gotten hold of good drugs.

10-Do not go where the path may lead and you’ll more than likely get lost.

11-Always remember that you are absolutely unique and that no one else thinks so.

12-The future belongs to those with well-connected parents.

13-The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in not having hit your head on the nearby coffee table.

14-You will face many defeats in life. And, boy, will you be pissed.

15-In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count, but whether you have a good life insurance policy.

16-Never let the fear of striking out keep you from making a fool of yourself.

17-Life is either a daring adventure or sitting on your couch watching NETFLIX. Watching NETFLIX is much safer.

18-Many of life’s failures happen to people just like yourself.

19-You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. Just call me Captain Obvious.

20-If life were predictable, it would cease to be life, but I’ll settle for it.

21-Life is a succession of lessons, and I keep getting failing grades.

22-You will face many defeats in life. In other words, you are the personification of the 1962 Mets.

23-Life is never fair. Tell me something else I don’t know.

24-The only impossible journey is when you insist on not stopping at the gas station and asking directions.

25-In this life, we cannot do great things unless we are Mike Trout.

26-Only a life lived for others is what separates you from Donald Trump.

27-The purpose of our lives is to get out of bed and hoping the bathroom is not occupied.

28-You only live once unless you’re James Bond.

29-Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air, but make sure you’re wearing a mask.

30-Go confidently in the direction of your dreams and hope your GPS is working.

31-Life is really simple. Yeah, if you’re Bill Gates.

32-May you live all the days of your life. And if you’re walking in front of me, be quick about it.

33-Life itself is the most wonderful fairytale. Unless you’re grandma having tea with the big bad wolf.

34-Do not let making a living tempt you to go back to work if you’re getting paid more to stay home.

35-Life is ours to be spent. And I’m about spent.

36-Keep smiling, but remember the whole world is laughing at you.

37-Life is a long lesson in humility. And I’ve got a lot to be humble about.

38-In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. I am screwed.

39-Love the life you live. What the hell choice do I have?

40-If you’re not with one you love, love the one you’re with. Easy for a rock star to say.

41-Life is either a daring adventure or it’s mine.

42-Life is ever so many parts welded together. And I flunked Metal Shop in high school.

43-Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Unless it’s George Clooney’s.

44-Life is trying to see if things work. And finding out they don’t.

45-Many of life’s failures are mine. Many? Not all? How can that be?

46-Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. Unless you’ve gone to the theater and your name is Abe Lincoln.

47- The way to get started is to quit talking. “Well I have a lot to say about that?”

48-If you really look closely … wait — did you ever consider that you need new


49-The secret of success is to do the common thing uncommonly well. Or be the son of John D. Rockefeller.

50-I find that the harder I work, the more the government takes out in taxes.

51-The real test is not whether you avoid failure — if you really don’t care about graduating.

52-There’s no success like failure, and failure’s no success at all. Easy for Bob Dylan to say.

53-Don’t be distracted by criticism unless you just opened a restaurant.

54-I never dreamed about success. And thus, I’ve never been disappointed.

55-The road to success and the road to failure are almost exactly the same. I said, “almost,” idiot.

56-I failed my way to success. Donald Trump’s secret.

57-If you set your goals ridiculously high, chances are you’ll fail ridiculously.

58-A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. The failure is the one who gets hit in the head with the bricks and winds up in the ER. 

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