Cardella: UFOs

While walking through Marconi Plaza, I found a beaten-up journal claiming to contain the investigative results of a study on Unidentified Flying Objects. I can’t vouch for its authenticity. Some of the journal is smudged and illegible. But there is an intriguing note on the lower right corner of the last page. It reads, “choice of sweet peppers and fried onions — five cents extra.”

The first chapter contains a detailed explanation of why most UFOs are sighted late at night by pilots who resemble the actor Richard Dreyfuss. Every one of these pilots are experienced fliers. Almost all of them have been previously quoted in editions of PARADE Magazine making wild claims about the strange craft like, ‘I’ve never seen anything like this before. No craft of human design can make what is called in the trade the ‘loop de loop’ at such speeds.’’ I haven’t been able to determine whether the “loop de loop” name is one made up by the author of the journal or whether it has some meaning. Yet, it may hold the key to this entire riddle concerning UFOs. According to some experts who reviewed it, the journal may have been designed to somehow promote a forthcoming documentary about Larry Krasner’s primary win in Philadelphia.

The “Dreyfuss” look-a-like quoted in the journal is convinced that everything about it is genuine, especially the photos that show the objects doing the loop de loop in mid-air. The authorities are not so sure — and, besides, there’s that cryptic note about the sweet peppers and onions. Where do condiments fit in this whole puzzle? “Dreyfuss” passes a Breathalyzer test amidst some controversy. In the end, “Dreyfuss” is vindicated by the major news media and Bill Nye the Science Guy. But vindicated of what?

Soon, a media frenzy has developed around sightings of UFOs in remote corners of the world. Why do these sightings always take place on lonely roads by characters who are doppelgangers of Richard Dreyfuss? Note: Why does the word “doppelganger” always get big laughs? Does the average person seem to find some hidden meaning in the word? … ha ha ha … I, too, find myself laughing … ha ha.

The journals gain in value. The CDC decides to give out free replicas of the UFO journal as motivation to entice anti-vaxxers to get their shots. Richard Dreyfuss sees the resurgence of his career. Philadelphia’s Republican Party decides that by giving away free copies of the UFO journal, it might be able to overcome a 7-1 registration deficit in the November election for district attorney. Astute Republican voters note that Krasner physically more closely resembles Dreyfuss than Charles Peruto, possibly increasing the chance of a Krasner win. High-wire performers begin performing the loop de loop, sparking a frenzy of interest in the new dance. Chubby Checker also makes a comeback doing the loop de loop. Bill O’Reilly writes a new work of history — Bill O’Reilly Kills the Loop de Loop. Dr. Anthony Fauci endorses the cardiac benefits of doing the loop de loop. A national debate breaks out over whether wearing a mask is better for afflicted COVID patients than dancing the loop de loop. On Fan Appreciation Day, the Phillies give a free copy of a team T-shirt THE PHILLIES DO THE LOOP de LOOP to every fan in attendance, who promptly toss them on the field. There’s never been anything quite like this craze. And nobody quite remembers how this whole damn thing got started anyway.

During a Fox interview, Donald Trump claims that he started the whole rage and featured it on THE APPRENTICE. Joe Biden counters with a claim that his father had taught him about the loop de loop. And that was before the Biden family ever left Scranton … the night before the coal heater went out , during a record snowfall.

It was when I decided to take a second walk through Marconi Plaza that all hell broke loose. I’d found that second journal and then a whole bunch more … all in “new’ condition. The UFOs were no more real than all the other things we had been hoodwinked into believing.

And on the back of these journals, the note still read “choice of sweet peppers and fried onions — five cents extra.”