Cardella: Ground Rules

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The Police Department and City Council have reached a compromise that will not permit renegade dirt bikes and ATVs to operate on the streets of Philadelphia. Enforcement of the law will be limited to neighborhoods in need of recreational benefits and do not include things that go boom in the night.

Chrissy Teigen is the famous wife of singer-songwriter John Legend. Teigen describes herself as a “self-apologist.” No one can believe she is real. She has done an especially good job at apologizing for herself. In effect, Teigen has issued an apology for what she admits is just a fake apology. As a parent, she sees her first goal as justifying herself. Teigen says her goal is to be so good that her kids grow misty at the mere mention of her name. There’s no one that is less authentic than her own mother. Chrissy is intent on creating good intentions. She is intent on creating an aura of good intentions wherever she goes. The good that has the best of intentions. Only Chrissy is the authentically good person who wants to make other people believe that she can make everyone happy without doing anything. She is a Debby Boone who never ever lit up anyone’s life.

“Don’t blame police reform for Philly’s skyrocketing murder rate,” the mayor says. There’s a good chance that someone, somewhere knows how to make his constituents happy. It’s just not me. You blame me for not making you happy. But that isn’t my purpose. My purpose is to make you understand I mean well. I’m a good person. But the lesson is that’s not enough. No matter what I do, I wind up handing the ball to Ben Simmons and satisfy no one.

Fox News anchor Julie Banderas declaring herself to be a mean girl went after Chrissy Teigen for her past cyber bullying by saying, “ I mean, she’s really not that hot. I mean, really she’s not.” Uhhh … yeah, really she is. Really. It shouldn’t matter to men, but it does. Men don’t have an honest bone in their body. Honest. We don’t.

During a recent House subcommittee hearing, Rep. Louie Gohmert asked a representative of the National Forest System whether the orbit of the moon or Earth could be altered in order to fight climate change. Gohmert said obviously that would have a significant effect on climate change. “I think I saw that movie streaming on Netflix,” she said.

Name a use for waffle irons besides making waffles? How about making acne-plagued pancakes?

Ana de Armas has a new boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend Ben Affleck reunites with J-Lo and a player to be named later. I get the feeling that Affleck is everyone’s ex-friend. Really, Ben, I’d feel so used.

Biden and Putin posed in a very awkward photo-op ahead of a five-hour chat. You try relaxing around Putin.

As Putin and Biden met, these facts emerged about Russia’s version about Russia’s Air Force: 1-No free peanuts; 2-No automatic ejection seat; 3-No final destination announced; 4-Passengers tie their own parachutes; 5-Pilot carries own vodka.

Jessica Biel says she never meant to have a “secret” baby. She just forgot to tell anyone about it.

How to make steakhouse butter at home. Take a pad of butter and place carefully on a steak. Place the steak on a plate. You’re not ready for anything too difficult at this time … and voila! Next Week: How to make ice water.

Tampa Rays pitcher Tyler Glasnow claims that he was injured when he tried to throw without sticky substance on the ball. Glasnow says he threw his elbow out — out of a window somewhere near Chicago. Maybe.

SUBWAY’s tuna does not have tuna DNA. Just a rumor, but what if it’s true? That gives me an idea for another TV game show. “NAME THAT TUNA.”

Terri Irwin has thanked Russell Crowe for saving an injured Kookaburra. The actor said he was in Cucamonga listening to an Oingo Boingo song and reached out and suddenly caught the Kookaburra … just like that … boingo-bango!

What does it mean when President Joe Biden nods his head? 1-He’s tired. 2-This SPIDER TACKY really does keep the old toupee from flying off. 3-Most of the time.

ESPN’s Alex Wojnarowski says the Sixers coach and Ben Simmons have worked on  the need to improve his shooting problems in the fourth quarter. Now if we can only find the basketball.

ELITE cast — where are they now? Trying to find Ben Simmons.

Aliens could have been watching distant planets for years. But they don’t get THE HISTORY CHANNEL.