Despite those tacky previews and almost uniformly bad reviews, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid is not a complete waste of time.
At moments, the sequel to 1997’s Anaconda even duplicates the giddiness of riding a roller coaster at a state fair. That quality is most often found in Saturday-afternoon serials and 1950s B-movies with titles like Courage is a Seven-Letter Word and Tonight We Mambo, Tomorrow We Die.
The plot of Anacondas — the word "plot" being used with utmost charity — revolves around a drug company’s expedition to Borneo to harvest a rare orchid with miraculously regenerative powers. Or, as a greedy exec puts it, "the pharmaceutical equivalent of the fountain of youth."
As our motley crew heads for the prize, it discovers that the river and jungle are crawling with almost supernaturally giant anacondas. One by one, each member of the crew is picked up like a refugee from an Agatha Christie novel.
To attack Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid for its cheesiness would be a little like criticizing baseball for being too slow: You would be missing the point. Low-budget monster movies have their own rewards and this one has its share.
The first half of the flick is quite sluggish, but once it gets off the ground, it never stops. The sometimes-glaring implausibility is part of the fun.
Director Dwight Little includes moments of silliness that betray a true devotion to dumb movies over the ages. But one reference pays homage to a respected classic: the hunky but sensitive riverboat captain hired to guide the gang into the jungle has a little monkey. Its name? Kong.
Just after everyone arrives in Borneo, the crew’s boyishly handsome doctor hits on the foxy pharmacological botanist. You just know he’s the first item on the snakes’ buffet. It’s as ominous as those World War II movies in which the guy with two kids announces he will be headed home in three days. In the next scene, blam!
Anacondas‘ dialogue is also from the vintage B-movie playbook. As a ferocious animal can be heard in the distance, one of the explorers asks with trepidation, "What’s going on out there?" "Something’s being eaten," replies the captain. "Everything gets eaten. It’s the jungle."
You know the producers are pinching pennies when Morris Chestnut is the big name on the marquee. No matter. The talented actor still best known for Boyz in the Hood surely cashed his check and got on with his life. The rest of the mostly unknown cast likely just aspires to movies in which they are not snake food (or is that feed)?
Moviegoers interested in a great movie should see Hero, which opened last week. Those satisfied by pure, cheesy fun might want to seek out Anacondas.
Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
PG-13 (scary images, language, really obnoxious monkey)
Playing at area theaters
Two-and-a-half reels out of four
Recommended rental
The United States of Leland
R
Available Tuesday
Produced by Kevin Spacey, The United States of Leland is a probing psychological drama examining the effects of a brutal murder. Ryan Gosling plays Leland, a teenager in prison for stabbing a disabled boy to death. Complicating matters is the fact the boy was the brother of Leland’s girlfriend at the time, Becky (Jena Malone). Enter prison writing teacher Pearl Madison (Don Cheadle), who gets so caught up in the story, he intends to write a book about it. Pearl is especially intrigued when he discovers that Leland is the son of famous novelist Albert Fitzgerald (Spacey).
