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Let me be clear about this, the following column is not meant to bad mouth September. The month always has seemed to have had a certain dignity of purpose. The boogie board is put away for textbooks, and that shallow summer love withers away in the autumnal haze. Reflection grows serious as the days dwindle down to a precious few. As the song says, we “haven’t got time for the waiting game.”
Certainly Mitt Romney’s chances are running out of time. The Romney campaign took a strange twist in September when he decided to write off 47 percent of the vote. I am here to explain how Romney thought this was a good idea. It all goes back to that troublesome arithmetic again. Mitt figured that kissing goodbye to the lazy and dependent 47 percent still meant he could win the election by 6 percent (53 to 47). The real problem in this strategy is Romney really only represents 1 percent of the voters (those voters who could actually ask their father for a loan to start their own business). It means Romney has to convince 52 percent of the 53 percent that they are actually part of the 1 percent that benefit from his tax policies. Not only is this confusing arithmetic, it is not easily understood by most voters who will likely be watching “Honey Boo-Boo” when the presidential debates begin next month. …
It also was not a good month for the royal family. Princess Kate was photographed topless, which I found really offensive. In order to be certain just how offensive these topless photos really were, I insisted on reviewing them a number of times. As if that weren’t enough, Prince Harry had been photographed just a week or so before romping in the nude at a Vegas party. He is a single man who obviously just wanted to have a bit of fun, but royals are required to wear double-breasted, pinstriped suits even when taking a bath. Besides, we wouldn’t want the next few months to bring nude photos of Charles and Camilla. The appeal of nudity does have its limits. …
Speaking of sex, Naomi Wolfe’s new biography hit bookstores this month. She calls it “Vagina: A Biography.” As much as I like biographies, I’m not sure they should be limited to your private parts. Besides, if I wrote a biography about my willie, my wife says it would have to be a short story. Ms. Wolfe writes she had to have a surgical procedure on her back to restore the full spectrum of colors she once enjoyed. My wife can relate. We had to have sex during an earthquake in California for my wife to feel the “earth move under [her] feet” (thank you, Carole King for that lyric). In her new book, Wolfe discovers a connection between her brain and vagina. Most of us men find our private part normally acts as a substitute for our brain. …
The Middle East is in an uproar again. Muslim extremists are killing, burning, protesting and tweeting nasty messages. The extremists are upset over what they find is a blasphemous depiction of Muhammad. If you are planning to make a film, write a book, or sketch a cartoon concerning Muhammad, be aware you might want to take out extra life insurance before you do so. An Iranian ayatollah placed a fatwa or bounty on the head of author Salman Rushdie in 1989 for writing “The Satanic Verses.” Now as a result of the furor over the video clip, an ayatollah has reissued the fatwa on Rushdie and raised the reward for his killing to $3.3 million. What has Rushdie to do with the new offensive video? Nothing, but the best way apparently to get publicity for yourself in Iran is to issue a fatwa on Rushdie.
It really doesn’t take much to create a disturbance when you’re a Muslim extremist. You don’t like the weather today, kill the meteorologist, burn down the TV station, attack the American Embassy, and oh by the way, reissue another fatwa on Rushdie. It’s all in a day’s work.
Here in America, we openly question just what our president is going to do about it. We figure he can control whatever goes on in the Middle East — lousy videos, bad weather, the books Rushdie writes, you name it. Do something, just don’t apologize or send in any American troops to fight over there, and while you’re at it, can you get those folks to lower the price of crude?
We found out in September that rice contains possibly dangerous levels of arsenic. My wife has served me risotto, Uncle Ben’s Long Grain Rice, Rice Krispies and rice pudding in successive meals this week. At the same time, I caught her watching “Arsenic and Old Lace” on Turner Classic Movies last night. Do I sense a plan hatching?
Here’s my take on this rice controversy. China’s population is an estimated 1.4 billion people. What is the main dish in China? Rice. Tell me again, how dangerous is it to eat rice? You do away with rice, you expect a good Chinese restaurant to serve pork-fried mashed potatoes? Without rice, there would be no Chinese restaurants. That means no place for my Jewish friends to eat on Christmas.
It’s an anti-Semitic plot.
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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